


Je M'appelle Lafayette

by barricadebastard



Series: the JML universe [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Coming Out, Depression, Fluff, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Lafayette, Mental Health Issues, Other, Panic Attacks, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 23:52:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 40
Words: 68,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5475218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barricadebastard/pseuds/barricadebastard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coming out as genderqueer is almost always difficult. But it's even harder when you're coming out to the three people you're crushing on... at the same time.</p><p>Poor Laf.</p><p>((NOW COMPLETE))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

-THEM-

The two of them were lying on the dorm floor, books sprawled haphazardly in front of them and nibbling at apricot slices. It hadn't been planned and Lafayette hadn't even been considering telling Herc right there and then. But maybe it was better that way - more casual, less forced.

Herc had been telling a story about some freshman or other and Lafayette had only been listening with half an ear when the words slipped out of his mouth.

"And then he started talking about how some employers discriminate based on hair and how they insist that natural African hair like afros and dreadlocks are 'unprofessional', which was wildly off-topic but kinda cool-"

Lafayette took a single strand of hair, curling it with a finger absentmindedly.

"And I was like, 'yeah, look at Lafayette, he looks perfectly professional in a suit', and I turned around to point at you but you disappeare-"

"I'm not a 'he'," Lafayette interjected, still frowning at the book below them. Herc paused.

"I'm sorry?" he said, head tilted to the side in confusion.

"I'm not a 'he'," Lafayette repeated, breath quickening. They hadn't planned this through, but it was too late to back out now, with Herc watching them with mildly intrigued eyes. So they took a deep breath and continued. "I'm a 'they' now."

A moment of silence, in which Lafayette stared determinedly at their book. Herc seemed to be processing the information and Lafayette found themself tensing, waiting for the rejection and disgust.

"Okay," Herc said finally. Lafayette looked up sharply.

"That's it?" they said disbelievingly, raising a perfectly pencilled eyebrow. Herc shrugged, his usual grin settling comfortably on his face.

"What else do you want me to say?" he asked.

 Lafayette almost cried in relief.

-HIM-

Lafayette carried on with the rest of their day feeling lighter. They went to the coffee shop with John, arguing playfully over which musical to drag Herc to. They got some work done in the library with Hamilton, walked through the park with Peggy as the two of them bitched about how annoying Professor Lee was, attended their appointment with Professor Washington, cooked dinner with Eliza and was thrashed on Mario Kart by Angelica and Maria.

It was a rather typical day but the usual levels of stress after a day of being referred to as 'him', 'he' and 'sir' wasn't there. Because they'd go back to their dorm room to Herc, sweet Herc who accepted Lafayette without explanation, who hadn't questioned them, hadn't hated them, hadn't insisted that 'they' and 'them' were plural and that they weren't allowed to use those pronouns.

However, that relief soon disappeared the next day. 

"I'm not a 'they'," Lafayette blurted suddenly. Herc, who had just woken up and had yet to have his morning coffee, scrunched his nose up.

"Uh," he said eloquently.

"Oh, drink your coffee first," Lafayette said exasperatedly, rolling his eyes in a fond gesture. Herc didn't function in the mornings without his regular caffeine fix and trying to explain something as complicated and complex as gender identities with him in this state would only result in furrowed brows and confused grunts.

Herc gave him a grateful smile, turning around to turn the coffee machine on, only to bang his head on an open cupboard door.

" _Mon dieu_ ," Lafayette muttered, amused, and left the kitchen.

Whilst Herc was waking himself up, Lafayette lounged on the couch, legs sprawled over one armrest and his head nestled in the other. He was beginning to regret this. How was he supposed to explain that sometimes he was a 'he' and sometimes he was a 'they'? Herc was nice enough to accept 'they' pronouns but constantly switching between the two would be tiresome and confusing. Maybe he should be thankful for Herc's understanding so far rather than pushing it, should take the blessing and run.

But Herc was back already, eyes wider and looking infinitely more awake.

"Sorry, what were you saying?" Herc said, arching his back and stretching. His muscles rippled under his crumpled t-shirt and his arms flexed. He was unfairly attractive, Lafayette noted, eyes raking over his frame before realising how wildly inappropriate that was between friends. He averted his gaze quickly. 

"I'm not a 'them'," Lafayette repeated. He wondered if this was all going to blow up in his face. What if Herc decided that Lafayette was too much work?

Herc nodded slowly, pushing Lafayette's feet off the armrest and lowering himself onto the couch. Lafayette moved to curl his legs up so as not to get in the way, but Herc grabbed his feet gently before resting them on his own lap. "Um, what would you identify as, then?"

"'He'," Lafayette said with more confidence than he felt. Herc looked confused and Lafayette took a deep breath before explaining. "Sometimes I'm 'he' and sometimes I'm 'they'. I switch between them. When I'm a 'he', I'm male. When I'm 'they', I'm not male, but not quite female either. I'm sort of in between, but closer to female?" 

Herc looked like he was struggling to keep up, but that was better than an annoyed look, or worse, looking disgusted. Lafayette felt his heart swell for his best friend. The mere fact that he was attempting to understand was more than Lafayette would have expected from most people.

"How am I supposed to know which one?" Herc asked, head tilted and looking worried. Lafayette gave him a reassuring smile. 

"I'll tell you," he promised. "So you can just use the last pronouns unless I change my mind."

Herc nodded, apparently satisfied. Lafayette waited patiently for him to say something and, when he didn't, furrowed his brow. 

"Is that it?" he asked. Herc looked startled.

"Is there something else?" he asked, frowning. Lafayette shook his head quickly. "Then that's it." 

Lafayette hesitated, watching Herc intently for any sign of discomfort. When the broader man met his gaze calmly, he relaxed, body sinking into the soft material of the couch. He hadn't even realized how tense he was. 

"Have you told John and Alex yet?" Herc asked suddenly. Lafayette shook his head. 

"Soon," he promised, and Herc accepted that.

The two of them sat in silence for a while, Lafayette's feet resting in Herc's lap as Herc rubbed his ankle soothingly. It was comfortable and, more importantly, it was  _them_ , and Lafayette found himself thanking every and any deity for turning what could have been an absolute disaster into a blessing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess this is happening?? I doubt that I have the dedication for multi-chapter fics but we'll see where it goes 
> 
> I'm on tumblr as [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!!! Panic attack occurs in this chapter

-HIM-

Lafayette frowned at the ceiling, lost in thought. A gust of wind blew through the window, making a piece of paper that was previously on the windowsill flutter and fall on his face. He let out a heavy breath to dislodge it, feeling too exhausted to move his hands.

"You okay?" Herc asked, brow furrowed in concern. He was sitting cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by fabrics. Lafayette wasn't entirely sure what he was doing but it looked complicated enough that he wasn't going to ask.

"I'm fine," Lafayette reassured him, glancing at Herc with a smile. "Just... thinking."

"About what?" Herc pressed. His skin shone with the light from the window, glowing in a sort of otherworldly way that made Lafayette swallow and look away.

"Trying to figure out how to tell John I'm genderfluid," Lafayette finally admitted after a pause. "I doubt that he wouldn't be okay with it but still..."

Herc nodded. "It's the idea of telling someone after hiding it for so long?"

Lafayette let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "Yeah."

Herc stood up, carefully depositing the precariously pinned silk sheets from his lap and onto the floor. Lafayette watched him stand with lazy eyes following the sight of muscles rippling visibly beneath Herc's (tight, sinfully tight, oh god) t-shirt. He told himself the only reason he couldn't look away was out of envy of Herc's figure.

Herc walked over to the bed and Lafayette rolled over to create more space for him.

"Don't think about it," Herc advised when he was lying down, his voice gruff and low and it was just so Herc that it was _comforting_. "It'll only make you worry. John wouldn't judge you. And Alex would rather shoot himself in the foot than be a douche to someone because of what they identify as."

Lafayette nodded, thanking whichever deity that was listening for blessing him with someone like Herc. Herc smiled, eyes crinkling up as perfect straight teeth shone on display and Lafayette determinedly ignored the way his heart fluttered.

So he took Herc's advice and let his mind drift away from his predicament with John. Unfortunately, this meant that his mind was empty enough for him to focus on the male beside him, the heat radiating from his body, the blissful relaxed expression that rested his face, and no, Lafayette was not conjuring up other less-innocent scenarios in which he and Herc would be lying in this bed...

"I have an eight am class tomorrow," Herc said suddenly and Lafayette startled, brought out of his thoughts.

"Best of luck,  _mon ami_ ," Lafayette said sympathetically, amusement lilting his tone. He was no stranger to eight am classes and knew the struggle.

Mon ami. My friend. Because Herc was his friend and only that. Their friendship was sacred and Lafayette wasn't going to poison it with misplaced romantic feelings.

Plus, he was pretty sure Herc had a crush on Alexander.

He pushed those thoughts out of his mind. Herc was a friend, and a friend he would remain. Pondering over the impossible never did anyone any good.

* * *

 

-THEM-

"Laf!" John called from across the campus ground. He was sprawled lazily beneath a tree, several books scattered around him but none of which he was reading. Alex was working next to him, typing furiously at his laptop.

Lafayette grinned, walking over to them. 

"Well, aren't you productive today?" Lafayette teased, settling down next to John, who pulled a face.

"I've been plenty productive," John argued. "I wrote, like, at least a hundred words for my thesis." 

"I'm proud of you, mon ami," Lafayette said patronizingly, smirking when John bristled. But John was right - it was too nice a day to work and the warm weather made Lafayette feel sleepy and sluggish, certainly not in the mood for thesis-writing or essays.

"You okay, Alex?" Lafayette asked when they noticed that Alex hadn't joined in the interaction.

Alex looked up, startled. "Oh! I never saw you sit down, Laf." He brushed a few loose strands of dark hair away from his face. "Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just need to finish this paper, sorry." 

Lafayette exchanged an exasperated look with John, but it was fond. They both knew that the paper probably wasn't due in for at least a month or so. Alex worked himself too much and it worried Lafayette sometimes, especially when they saw the bags beneath his eyes darkening or noticing that Alex was skipping meals.

Luckily, today wasn't one of those days. Alex's skin was its usual colour, his hands weren't shaking and he seemed almost calm... well, as calm as he'd ever look whilst writing.

"He's been getting better," John said in a low voice and Lafayette turned to see green eyes watching them, soft and yet intense in a way only John could manage. Lafayette's breath caught in their throat - they hadn't noticed how close they were sitting to John until their faces were mere inches away.

"At what?" Lafayette asked, voice dropping to match John and pretending their heart didn't skip at the unexpected proximity.

"At not pulling three all-nighters in a row?" John suggested quietly. "At eating regular meals. At not panicking about the quality of an amazing essay and re-writing it several times?"

"At being healthy," Lafayette said, leaning back to rest their head against the bark of the tree only to pull away again when it snagged at their curls. "I'm glad." 

There was a moment of silence where both of them watched Alex's fingers fly over the keys, sun shining down on him and making his skin glow golden under the rays.

"Me too," John said finally and the smile he shot Lafayette was so warm and welcoming and open that they couldn't help but wonder what would happen if they came out to John now. If they told him everything, how would John react? A negative response was unlikely - this was John, he wasn't the type to discriminate on something as small as gender - but there was always a chance, always the possibility and the image of a boy with sharp blue eyes and a wicked smile entered their mind and suddenly, they couldn't breathe, they couldn't breathe, their blood ran cold and-

"Laf?" John asked concernedly and Lafayette's vision sharpened just enough to see John's lovely green eyes peering at them, brow furrowed in worry and now Alex was looking too, oh god...

"Here," Alex said, placing a piece of paper on their lap.

Lafayette took the paper immediately, hands shaking. They ripped it in half, then quarters, then eighths, then sixteenths. By the time the paper was reduced to small scraps, their breathing was under control and their heart no longer felt as though it was trying to beat its way out of their chest.

" _Merci_ ," they said quietly, avoiding John and Alex's eyes. 

John held out his hand, palm flat and facing upwards. Lafayette eyed it nervously before slowly placing their own hand into John's. His grip was loose enough that Lafayette could easily pull their hand away if they wished, but the contact was warm and grounding. 

Tendrils of shame curled in their stomach, heavy and bitter. They couldn't look John or Alex in the eye.

"Laf?" 

Lafayette looked up and found the two of them watching their face carefully. Their expressions were gentle, caring. But it wasn't until they noticed that Alex had abandoned his laptop and books on the grass without a care that made them realise:

They wouldn't care. 

Lafayette bit their lip, willing themself not to cry. 

They could tell the two of them now and they wouldn't be upset, or angry, or disgusted. They wouldn't be bothered. How many times had Alex ranted to them about cisheteronormativity and non-binary representation? John had punched a guy who had been transphobic. It was unlikely that either of them would hate them.

But then, they had thought George would never hate them either...

Lafayette took a deep breath, reminding themself that this was John and Alex. Thoughts of George had no place here. Another deep breath - the two males were watching them nervously - and they blurted out, "I'm genderfluid."

A moment of silence. John blinked and Alex paused for a single moment before nodding.

"Pronouns?" Alex prompted. 

"Right now, it's they/them," Lafayette said quietly, assessing Alex's face for discomfort or disgust. They found acceptance.

Alex nodded, a smile stretching across his lips. The sun was making his eyes seem infinitely browner and he looked so healthy, healthier than he had looked in months, and Lafayette couldn't help but think that Alex looked so beautiful in that momen-

John hadn't said anything. 

This realization hit Lafayette like a hammer. John had been silent. Fear gripped their chest and their eyes fluttered shut in a futile attempt to calm themself.

"Is that okay?" they asked quietly, wrenching their eyes open and, bracing themself for the disgust, they turned to look at John, heart thumping wildly in their chest when they saw-

Pride?

John looked proud, a heart-warming smile gracing his lips as he watched Lafayette with bright eyes. "Of course it is," he answered. "Why wouldn't we be?" 

A small sob escaped their lips as the tears they were holding back earlier streamed down their face. John silently wrapped his arms around them and Alex moved closer to place his hand on Lafayette's thigh, wiping salty tears away with his other hand. 

" _Mon chéri_ ," Alex whispered and Lafayette's heart warmed to hear the words they had so often called their friends being repeated back to him, hearing their mother tongue from the mouth of their friends.

"I thought you were going to be disgusted," Lafayette said in a amazed tone. "I can't believe I thought you'd be disgusted."

"We'd never be disgusted," John said fiercely and the arms around them tightened by a fraction and, when they were surrounded by their friends like they were now, the real world seemed so harmless and far away.

They stayed in that position for a while, drawing strange looks from passersby that saw three men in a complicated looking embrace. Finally, John pulled away and Alex undid the bright ribbon that tied Lafayette's hair back, redoing their hair that had been mussed at some point or other.

"How many people have you told?" John asked, linking his fingers with Lafayette's. Lafayette willed their heart to cease its hammering at the intimate touch.

"Hercules," they replied immediately. "And, uh..." Lafayette trailed off at the thought of explaining the George fiasco to their friends.

Luckily, Alex sensed the dangerous topic. "Herc's gonna kill you if he hears you calling him Hercules," he joked lightly.

"All the more reason to do so," Lafayette said, smiling at the thought of their other friend.

The three of them sat in silence, drained from the emotional capacity of their interaction. At some point, John had began to rub small circles into the back of Lafayette's hand and Alex lay down so his head was resting in John's lap as John scratched his scalp with his other hand. Lafayette was struck by the ease of their closeness, the casual intimacy that they wished, sometimes, was more than frien-

Dangerous thoughts. Lafayette stopped thinking and allowed themself to feel instead, feel the sun shining down on them, feel the soft warmth of John's thumb, the comforting heat radiating from Alex's body.

After all, their friendship was sacred and Lafayette wasn't going to poison it with misplaced romantic feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehhhh??? I don't know what's happening with this fic anymore. It was supposed to just be Lafayette coming out to a different character in each chapter but I guess it's gonna be longer? Oops
> 
>  
> 
> [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)


	3. Chapter 3

-THEM-

The four of them were in Alex and John’s dorm room. It wasn't particularly spacious, but they were comfortable enough with each other to not be bothered by the close proximity. Herc and John were on the bed, backs resting against the wall and legs sprawled out in front of them. Alex's head was in Herc's lap and his legs in John’s. Lafayette was curled up between Herc and John as tightly as their tall frame would manage.

None of them were saying anything. The silence was comforting, companionable. Lafayette took a deep breath, revelling in the warm of the bodies surrounding them. They rested their head on Herc's shoulder.

"They/them," they said quietly, unwilling to speak above a whisper in case the spell upon the four of them was broken. John nodded, Alex made a noise of acknowledgement before snuggling his face further into Herc's (strong, thick, muscular, delicious) thighs. Herc smiled softly. 

Silence reigned again, but this time, it was broken by Herc.

"Can I ask you a question?" Herc asked in a low voice. Lafayette nodded, moving their head so that they could see Herc, who looked apprehensive.

"I don't know if this is offensive or not," he began, frowning, and Lafayette's heart swelled because the fact that he even  _cared_ if what he was saying was offensive was enough. "But, when you're a 'them', do you ever feel like doing something that you wouldn't do when you're a 'him'?" 

Alex rolled over onto his back so that he could watch Lafayette's reaction, accidentally kicking John in the process. John slapped his foot lightly before turning his attention to Lafayette.

All eyes were on them and they took a deep breath before exhaling deeply. They were their  _friends_ , they wouldn't judge them, no matter what Lafayette told them right now. They  _knew_ they wouldn't care, knew they would understand and, even if they didn't, at least attempt to. 

So they closed their eyes and the words tumbled out of their lips, unfiltered.

"I like dressing up," they said in a rushed tone. John placed a hand on their thigh in a calming gesture and they took another deep breath, this one slower, before continuing. "Even though I'm not female, I like wearing female clothes. But I'm not a 'her', I'm a 'them' who likes wearing things that belong to 'her'. And that's usually dresses or skirts, make-up, flowers in my hair, stuff like that." 

"What about now?" Alex asked, eyes fluttering shut as he listened to the conversation unfolding before him. "If we did your make-up now?" 

Lafayette snorted. "First of all, I've seen you try and put make-up on Eliza and you are most definitely not coming anywhere near  _mes maquillage,_ " Lafayette chided. They paused before continuing. "But... I wouldn't mind make-up?" 

"We could do it now," John said, looking far more excited than he had any reason to. "I've helped the Schuyler sisters with their make-up more times than I can count." 

"And I picked up a few tips when I was designing costumes for the theatre group," Herc offered, eyes glinting.

Alex opened his mouth to say something but Lafayette interrupted. 

" _Non,_ Alexander," Lafayette said immediately. Alex pouted but didn't argue.

"Let's go," John smirked, pushing Alex's feet off his lap and slipping off the bed, Herc trailing close behind. 

"I still think I should be allowed to do your make-up too," Alex grumbled but a small smile stretched across his lips. Lafayette ruffled his hair, strands coming loose from his ponytail. 

"Maybe one day,  _mon ami_ ," Lafayette promised, standing up. "When you can manage to do Eliza's make-up without making her almost scream when she looked at the final product." 

Alex stood up too, offering his hand to Lafayette, who smiled and linked their fingers together. The action was comforting and clearly platonic, and Lafayette focused on willing their heart to beat at an acceptable rate as opposed to the warm radiating from Alex's palm.

"It's nothing," John was reassuring someone on the phone, sprawled across the couch. "Yeah, it's for me... I'm sorry, I didn't realise I wasn't allowed make-up because I'm male!"

"He's asking Peggy for her make-up set," Herc explained when he saw their confused expressions.

"...I think Alex has still got the spare key that Angelica gave to him a while ago... nah, not really... 'kay, thanks, bye!" John finally finished his conversation, setting the phone down with a flourish. "She's out but we're allowed to go in and snatch some clothes and her make-up box if Alex has still got the key."

Alex blinked, scrunching his nose up in a way that was too cute to be fair. After a moment of silence in which Herc, John and Lafayette stared at him in expectation, he shrugged finally.

"If it's not in Herc's top drawer then I have no idea where it is," he said apologetically. 

"Why the hell is it in  _Herc's_ top drawer?" Lafayette asked, bewildered. Alex shrugged.

"I was drunk," he said, like it explained everything. Which, to be honest, it did. 

It took fifteen minutes of walking to Herc and Lafayette's dorm room, finding the key beneath several socks and a packet of condoms, walking to Peggy and Angelica's dorm to locate the make-up box from the mess of the room and picking out random clothes that looked as though they might fit Lafayette (most of them ended up being Angelica's). They found themselves spreading the kit on Alex's desk and examining it.

"What does this do?" Herc asked, squeezing a pink sponge experimentally. 

"It's a beauty blender," was Lafayette's immediate reply as they fiddled with the foundation. They froze immediately when the words left their lips, eyes flitting nervously from each person and attempting to gauge their reaction.

Alex and Herc didn't react, both of them busy as Alex swept one of the brushes across Herc's face and making him laugh under the ticklish touch. John, however, raised an eyebrow, inviting Lafayette to speak but not pushing them.

Lafayette smiled gratefully at John’s decision to not press further. One day, they would tell their friends all about the times they'd coat themselves in foundation and lipstick and eyeliner, tell them about the comments the shopkeepers had made every time they purchased something ("Buying make-up for your girlfriend?"), tell them about how George had found out and had called them a-

Lafayette mentally shook themself. They were  _not_ going to think about George, especially not when they were here, in front of their lovely, sweet, understanding, beautiful friends, who were willing to walk all the way across campus and back just to get them some make-up.

They closed their eyes and took a deep breath, feeling overwhelmed with the love that surged up for these people. And yet this feeling of overwhelmedness was  _nice_ , was pleasant and was so different from the overwhelmedness of a panic attack that they had to blink back their appreciative tears.

When they opened their eyes again, Alex was watching them with gentle eyes. His hand reached out to circle Lafayette's wrist, rubbing soothing circles into the skin before squeezing lightly.

"Thank you," Lafayette said quietly.

Herc turned to look at them and was clearly taken back by the unfallen tears welling in their eyes, but said nothing and wrapped an arm around Lafayette's waist, tugging them closer. John’s hand rested on their forearm and Alex's hand was still gripping their wrist loosely.

"Let's get started, shall we?" Herc said gently, fiddling with the hem of Lafayette's shirt, who nodded.

"I say we begin with foundation," John said abruptly, picking up a bottle and squinting at the colour.

"That's not Laf's shade," Herc argued, picking up a second bottle and thrusting it towards John. "This is closer to their colour." 

"Can we do the lipstick first?" Alex pouted. "Please? I wanna do their lipstick." 

Lafayette laughed. "Usually, the lipstick would be one of the last things," they admitted, smiling fondly when Alex let out a dramatic groan. "But, since I don't trust you with anything else, I guess you can do it." 

Alex's face lit up so suddenly that it was almost comical. Lafayette snorted and Herc rolled his eyes affectionately, releasing Alex's hair from his hairtie and running a hand through his locks as John fretted over lipstick shades and whether to use glossy or matte. 

"Purple or dark red?" John was frowning. "This maroon looks hot..."

A knock at the door interrupted him. Lafayette startled, wide eyes turning to stare at the door and then at the make-up spread across the desk in panic. 

"It's probably Peggy," John said distractedly, watching as Alex uncapped the lid of the dark purple lipstick and held it to Lafayette's lips. "If we don't say anything, she'll just g-"

But the door had already swung open and it wasn't Peggy standing at the door, but a furious-looking Aaron Burr who froze at the doorway when he saw Alex beginning to coat Lafayette's lips in lipstick.

"Shit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably be sorry but I'm honestly not tbh
> 
> My tumblr is [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com) if you wanna sin with me


	4. Chapter 4

-THEM-

Burr stood completely still for a moment. He looked confused for a second before visibly shrugging it off and opening his mouth.

"Anywa-"

"I swear to god, if you say something offensive, I'm going to punch you," Alex growled. Lafayette risked a glance at him and saw that he looked furious, lips pursed and eyes narrowed.

Aaron looked taken back and rather offended.

"I'm not saying anything," Aaron said and his usual poker face was back in position as Lafayette hurriedly swept the bottles and brushes into Peggy's make-up bag. They knew it was too late and yet they didn't feel comfortable with it all on display - they felt  _exposed._

"You better not," Herc warned and although his tone was mild, every person in the room knew what Herc was capable of and the tenseness of his shoulders belied the casualness he had announced the statement with.

Aaron didn't say anything, only giving a curt nod to Herc before opening his mouth to continue with whatever he had entered the room for. 

"Ask," Lafayette said suddenly. The four males in the room turned to look at them with varying degrees of surprise. Lafayette didn't look up and instead trained their gaze on a blank spot on the wall. "I know you've got a lot of questions. I'd... prefer it if you asked. Rather than assume."

Aaron was silent for a moment. "Are you non-binary?" he asked finally.

Lafayette took a deep breath. "Yes. Is it... obvious?" 

Hesitation. Then Aaron shook his head. "To be honest, if it hadn't been for their reaction-" here, he glanced at Alex, John and Herc. "-it would've looked like you were simply someone who enjoyed make-up and I would have assumed as such." 

Lafayette's shoulders slumped as they let out a breath they didn't know they were holding. They sat down heavily on the edge of the bed, heart still racing from the abrupt coming-out. Truthfully, they weren't too bothered by Aaron's opinion of them - the two weren't particularly close - and yet they had found themself worrying again.

They pushed thoughts of George away again for the millionth time that day.

John sat next to them, their thighs pressed together as he lay a gentle hand on Lafayette's thigh. A supporting gesture, one he really needed at that moment. 

"Pronouns?" Aaron asked. 

Lafayette blinked, not expecting the question. "They/them right now but that might change later." 

Aaron nodded. "Let me know when it does change. I'd hate to misgender someone."

Lafayette nodded gratefully and silence reigned before Aaron appeared to remember the original purpose of his visit.

"Alex," Aaron said, lips pursed tightly in disapproval. "Apparently, you punched Charles Lee." 

Lafayette snorted and next to them, John was shaking with silent laughter. Herc bit back a grin.

"He deserved it," Alex scowled. He looked  _adorable_ , in his oversized shirt (which actually belonged to Lafayette but they weren't going to complain when Alex looked so endearingly small in it) and eyebrows furrowed angrily. Like a five year old going into a sulk. "Did you hear what he said about immigrants?" 

"No, I didn't," Aaron sighed, walking over to sit on the edge of the desk. "And I have no doubt that it was terrible. But you can't just go around punching people whenever they say something offensive."

"I didn't  _just_ punch him," Alex attempted to amend. "I highlighted all the ways that immigrants helped America's economy, both in the past and now. And then I punched him."

Aaron didn't look impressed. 

"Alex, you're smart," he began, looking overwhelmingly tired. "You can do great things in life and go far. But continue punching people left, right and centre and the university might take back your scholarship and then where will you be?"

The two continued to argue and Herc crossed the room to sit on Lafayette's other side. 

"Do you wanna carry on with the make-up stuff?" he asked in a low tone. "Since we know Aaron doesn't give a shit?" 

John's hand moved off his thigh and on top of Lafayette's own hand, his thumb running across their knuckles. Lafayette loved it, loved that John was always there with his quiet affection and silent touches whenever they needed support. Perhaps that was why Lafayette answered as they did.

"Yes," they said with more confidence than they truly held. "Why not? And if it bothers him, he can leave the room." 

A proud smile stretched Herc's lips and Lafayette found themself mesmerised by the beauty of Herc's crinkled eyes. John was beaming next to them and suddenly Lafayette was breathless, surrounded by these beautiful boys who were smiling at them and it was almost too much and they loved them  _so much_.

John walked over to the desk again, paying little attention to Alex and Aaron's heated debate (heated from Alex's side - Aaron was as passive and cool as ever). He took the make-up bag and Lafayette noticed Aaron's eyes flicker over to the freckled boy for a second before deciding to ignore him and counteract Alex's last argument. 

"We'll start with the cleanser, yeah?" John said when he returned, pulling out a bottle and examining it interestedly.

It was difficult to ignore Aaron as Herc and John dolled Lafayette up, especially when they were so conscious about the entire affair. But Aaron paid no heed to him and the argument was going on for so long that Lafayette began to wonder if the only reason they were continuing was to ensure that Lafayette wasn't uncomfortable. 

And yet at the same time, it was difficult to worry about Aaron when John was standing so close to them, their faces mere inches apart as John applied bronzer to their skin with skilled hands. The proximity made Lafayette's heart thump wildly and they wondered if John could hear their erratic heartbeat - he was certainly close enough that they wouldn't be surprised. 

They took a deep breath through their nose, closing their eyes. Calming down was a difficult enough task without seeing John's beautiful hazel eyes staring at them in concentration. 

Finally, John pulled away and Lafayette let out a breath. When they opened their eyes again, they noticed that, at some point, Aaron had left. Alex was now sitting on the chair, watching them with intense eyes that made them shudder.

"Cleanser, primer, foundation, concealer and bronzer," John recited triumphantly. "I think we're ready for the eyes and lips now."

Herc was fiddling with the lip liners, looking adorably confused. "I think I've got the general gist of these?" he said, glancing up. "But I'm not entirely sure. I reckon we should just stick to classic lipstick."

"Matte or gloss?" John muttered under his breath, biting his lip as he stared at the selection of lipsticks. When he  _did_ release his bottom lip, it was red and obscenely wet and  _oh Jesus_ , Lafayette had to look away quick. Their gaze, instead, snapped to Herc and there they found an interesting sight.

Herc was staring at John. More specifically, Herc was staring at John's  _lips_. He looked entranced, eyes fixed on the pink of the freckled South Carolinian boy's lips. Lafayette was sitting close enough to hear that Herc's breath had quickened and they watched his throat work as he swallowed heavily. 

And wasn't that  _interesting?_

After all, Lafayette was almost one-hundred percent convinced that Herc had a major crush on Alexander but apparently that wasn't the only person who held Herc's interest. Perhaps he was poly, like Lafayette. They made a mental note to ask at some point.

Lafayette cleared their throat and both John and Herc jumped, John being engrossed in the lipsticks and Herc being engrossed in... well. 

Lafayette turned to Alex, who sent them a knowing look. Apparently, they weren't the only ones who has noticed. 

"Um, maybe we should do their eyes first," Herc said, looking vaguely flustered and avoiding John's gaze. "Eyeliner, a bit of mascara, eyebrow pencilling, stuff like that."

"Sure," John shrugged and he picked up two eyeliners. "Um, I don't think I can use liquid eyeliner without fucking it up. Even  _Eliza_  has trouble with it."

" _Eliza_  has trouble with liquid eyeliner?" Alex asked, looking horrified. "I don't think any of us should bother. If  _Eliza_ can't do it, how the hell are we supposed to?" 

"It's okay,  _mon ami_ ," Lafayette interrupted, gently taking the eyeliner from his hands. "I've had plenty of practice with it." 

They waited to see the boys' reactions but Alex didn't bat an eyelid, John simply nodded and Herc merely looked impressed that Lafayette could apply liquid eyeliner when even Eliza couldn't. 

Lafayette really loved these three.

"Is there a mirror in there?" Lafayette asked, peering inside the make-up bag. Alex practically sprinted from the other side of the room with a large mirror in hand and Lafayette stifled a giggle when he dropped to his knees in front Lafayette to hold it up in front of them. 

"Don't move your hand too much," they instructed. "I'll be quick, don't worry." 

They uncapped the lid, making sure there wasn't too much liquid on the brush, before stroking the line above their lashes gently. The other three were enraptured by every movement of the brush and Lafayette wondered offhandedly if they should feel embarrassed or at least uncomfortable by all the attention, and yet they could not muster such feelings.

In just over a minute, they had applied eyeliner on both their eyes, sleek and sharp. It was a record for them. Perhaps having John, Alex and Herc with them helped. 

"Wow," Herc uttered quietly. 

Lafayette smiled, returning the eyeliner to the bag.

"What next?" Alex asked eagerly. "Shall we do eyeshadow or mascara?"

"Who's 'we'?" John teasing, pinching Alex's nose playfully. "We're still not letting you anywhere near the make-up."

Alex stuck his tongue out at John but didn't argue; as much as he sulked about it, even he knew that he was terrible with make-up.

Five minutes later, they had applied mascara, eye-shadow and had penciled their eyebrows. All that was left was the lipstick, which Alex was now uncapping (but only after Herc and John had a long argument about whether they should use purple or red lipstick).

"You ready?" Alex asked cheerfully, tying his hair back with a pink sparkly scrunchie. He looked like he meant business and yet he was still drowning under that t-shirt. Adorable. Lafayette grinned. 

"Try not to fuck it up too much,  _mon ami_ ," they said playfully and Alex laughed.

"I make no promises," Alex replied and  _woah, okay_ , Alex was suddenly extremely close and nope, Lafayette did  _not_ anticipate this because suddenly there was something pressing against their lips and perhaps it was the gentle touch on their bottom lip that made this more intimate than when John was applying the other parts of the make-up. 

Lafayette tried not to breathe, their breath coming out shallowly from their nose and Alex quickly (and sloppily) coated their lips in a crimson red. Luckily, this process was much quicker and Alex was pulling away in less than thirty seconds. 

Lafayette needed a moment to breathe. And to stop their cheeks darkening.

"You look beautiful," Herc breathed and that was  _really_ not helping them get control of their hammering heartbeat.

"You do," John agreed, hand resting on Lafayette's thigh and staring at them in awe. "You look... wow. Do you still wanna try on the clothes or shall we leave that for another time?"

"This is enough for now, I think," Lafayette said and Alex was silently handing them the mirror and-

Oh.

They looked  _pretty_. Their eyes seemed larger, more luminous, and the glittery blue eyeshadow made them stand out. Their skin was glowing, a bronze tint decorating evenly. The choice of lipstick was perfect. Lafayette could not remember whether it was Herc or John who had eventually chosen it but the bright crimson was eye-popping.

They loved it. 

And more importantly, they loved sitting here, in this room, with Alex, John and Herc, and knowing that no matter what, these three would accept them. And if that meant Lafayette wanted make-up,  _then so be it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The moral of the story is: I am utter trash.
> 
> so I've got some angst and a hell load of drama prepared for the next chapter BE PREPARED
> 
> as usual, you can find me sinning on tumblr as [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)
> 
> (also, please tell me if i misgender laf at any point. the whole point of this fic is for me to wrap my head around using different pronouns and it'll really help if people show me where i've gone wrong thanks)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: SELF-HARM TOWARDS THE END OF THIS CHAPTER!!  
> (also, Laf has depression and if that bothers you, please skip this chapter)

-HIM-

He stared blankly at the wall. There was a certain... heaviness inside him that made him unable to do anything that required more effort than breathing. Though even  _breathing_  was becoming laborious.

The phone rang. He blinked at the sudden vibrations and glanced at it. He should pick it up. It was lying right next to his leg anyway. It could be Herc or John or Alex. It could be an emergency.

He didn't pick it up. 

He continued staring at the wall, cross-legged on the bed, until the ringing stopped and breathed a small sigh of relief at the blissful silence that followed. 

Peace. Finally.

But was it really peace? When his gut was still twisting and churning with guilt? When his heart was as heavy as lead? When he couldn't even close his eyes and fall asleep?

He wondered what time it was. It was eight when he had last checked but the sky had gone even darker. An hour had passed, perhaps two. He flipped over the phone and pressed the power button.

It was ten.

He blinked but didn't react further. Time had passed quickly. He hadn't done anything apart from stare at the wall. His mind flickered to all the work that awaited him and he bit his lip harshly. No. He didn't want to think about responsibilities and the real world. He wanted to stare at the wall.

His hands were aching for something to do. He flexed his fingers for a moment before reaching over to grab a piece of paper. He ripped it into two.

Then four, then ripped those sections, and ripped and ripped until he had a lap full of shredded paper. A sense of calm followed. His hands weren't aching any more. He picked up each shredded piece and deposited it into a small pile. A mountain of paper. 

Belatedly, he wondered if the paper was important. He bit his lip again. He was so  _stupid_. How could he not think to check what was on the paper before shredding it to bits? What if it was Herc's? What if Herc needed it and he would come back to the apartment and hate Lafayette for being so stupid and inconsiderate and-

He took a shuddering breath. He mustn't think like that. If Herc didn't hate him because of his gender identity then he'd hardly hate him because of a paper.

 _'A paper that could have been extremely important,'_  the snide voice in the back of his head pointed out smugly. Lafayette shuddered.

The voice sounded too much like George.

And suddenly, his mind was being attacked with images of George King, the lovely moments they had shared together, that one time when George had taken him to a beautiful restaurant, all the ducks they had fed together, the day they had walked through the park with ice-cream and no responsibilities weighing them down - coincidentally, the last day they had shared before George had begun the series of violence-

A slap across the face when he didn't get down on his knees and suck his dick fast enough.

Yanking his hair harshly during sex even though Lafayette had  _told_  him he didn't like it.

All the names he had called him: whore, freak of nature, bitch, useless trash.

And then when Lafayette had told him that he was a 'they'...

_"What the fuck?" George asked, raising an eyebrow sharply. "Are you telling me you're a tranny?"_

_Lafayette had shaken their head, bewildered. Didn't George know that 'tranny' was an offensive word? He probably didn't - he wouldn't make a comment like that if he knew it was offensive._

_"Genderfluid," Lafayette had pointed out._

_"Tranny," George had corrected and god, he looked so disgusted, so disgusted that even Lafayette was disgusted with themself, oh god, they'd driven George away, George hated them-_

_George had stood up suddenly, moving slowly away from the bench whilst eyeing Lafayette as though they were a rat that would begin to scuttle around at any moment and he was simply waiting to kill them._

_"Wait, mon cher," Lafayette had said, grabbing George's sleeve. George yanked his arm away immediately._

_"Don't touch me, tranny!" George had yelled and Lafayette was so humiliated. Other people in the park were watching them now, watching the drama unfold in front of their eyes and Lafayette wanted them to look away because they could hardly handle this without feeling as though a million eyes were trained upon them._

_"I always knew you were disgusting," George had said, cruel smirk stretching his lips, those lips that Lafayette had kissed just a few moments ago. "All those names I called you-" he was referring to the insults he had spat at Lafayette during sex, the insults that Lafayette had hated, the insults that had rung in their ears long after they had climaxed. "-You probably got off on them because they're all true, right?"_

_Lafayette had opened their mouth to deny it, because_ it wasn't true _, they had told George that they hated those slurs and George would always say he was sorry, would kiss them gently, would tell them that they would just slip out of his mouth without thought. He wanted to argue back and point out all the times they had told George they hated those insults but it was too late; George was walking briskly across the park, complaining loudly about 'tranny whores'._

The sharp coppery tang of blood was what brought him back to reality. He had bitten his tongue. He vaguely wondered if he should get up to spit out the blood that was filling his mouth, but the flashback left him drained and tired, too exhausted to stand, let alone walk. He swallowed it.

_"That's right, bitch, swallow, swallow every drop like the thirsty whore you are-"_

His hands were shaking uncontrollably and his breath was quickening. He was having a panic attack and there was no more paper nearby to rip. Before Lafayette could tell himself not to, he was leaning over to yank the drawer beside the bed open and pull out the knife.

The regret would come later. Right now, he needed to  _hurt_. 

He lifted himself off the bed just enough to slip out of his sweatpants. The air was cold against his bare legs and his flimsy boxers did nothing to protect him from the low temperatures. But he was numb, too numb to be bothered by something as trivial as cold.

He pressed the knife against his thigh, the sharp blade digging into his skin. He counted down from five.

 _Cinq_.

George was gone, far away in England.

 _Quatre_.

He didn't have to worry about him any more.

 _Trois_.

Lies, everything George had ever called him was a lie.

 _Deux_.

He didn't need George - he had his friends now.

 _Un_.

The blade moved swiftly across the expanse of his thigh and the pain that followed seconds later was an immense relief. He watched the blood well up from the cut and trickled down his thigh, over older scars. He was strangely fascinated by the bright crimson... it was similar to the bright red lipstick Alex had put on him yesterday. Was it only yesterday they had done his make-up? It felt like years...

Guilt made his stomach churn. Alex wouldn't want him to cut. Herc and John too. They'd be so disappointed...

He felt as though that realisation should have discouraged him but it only made him press the knife against his thigh once more. The pain would make him forget their disappointment, the pain would get rid of the guilt.

He began to count down again, eyes closed.

He was on  _trois_  when he heard the shocked gasp from the direction of the doorway.

"Lafayette!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another cliffhanger... I should probably feel sorry for you guys but I honestly don't. :)))))
> 
> I wasn't supposed to write this, to be completely honest. Whenever I'm going through a particularly shitty spot with my depression, I write down everything I'm feeling but from the view of a character. This time, it was Lafayette and it fit in with the plot, so I decided to upload it anyway.
> 
> As usual, I'm on tumblr as [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really fucking hungry right now

-HIM-

John was standing at the doorway, frozen in shock. His eyes were concentrated on the blood welling through the cuts on Lafayette's thigh.

Lafayette felt sick with guilt.

"I-" he began but the sudden onslaught of emotion prevented him from completing whatever he had wanted to say. Tears welled up to his eyes and the knife slipped slowly out of his hand as he watched John slowly approach him, like a wild animal that would bolt if frightened.

"Laf," John said gently and Lafayette  _hated_ it, hated how soft his voice was and how open his face was. He hated that John wasn't judging him, looking down at him, being disgusted at him. Why was John never disgusted? Why were Alex and Herc never disgusted? How long until they realised that Lafayette wasn't the sort of person they would want to associate with? 

He watched, dazed and too scared to move, as John opened one of the drawers besides the bed to pull out several wet wipes.

"John?" he whispered, almost too quiet to hear. He half-hoped that John  _wouldn't_ hear. 

"Yeah, Laf?" John asked, glancing up at him briefly before delicately wiping the cuts. Lafayette bit his lip at the sudden sting but said nothing, words stuck in his throat.

The silence was terrifying. Lafayette watched John as he cleaned him up, trying desperately to gauge his reaction. His eyes scanned John's features and attempting to read honey-flecked hazel eyes. His efforts were fruitless, however. John's face was as blank as a sheet of paper and told Lafayette nothing about how the other male was feeling. 

"Done," John said finally, sitting back to analyse the cuts. Lafayette glanced down and felt a small jolt of disappointment when he saw there was no blood.

He looked up hesitantly to find John watching him. 

" _Je suis désolé_ ," he said softly. John didn't look angry or disappointed but that didn't stop the shame that churned the contents of his stomach. 

"Don't apologise, it's not your fault," John replied immediately, rising to his feet to sit on the bed next to Lafayette. "How long..." he trailed off uncertainly, brow furrowed in concern. 

Lafayette took a deep breath. "Half a year, approximately, but not often. It's not... regular." He felt the need to explain, to tell John that it wasn't that bad, to smooth out the frown that wrinkled his brow. He  _hated_ seeing John so upset.

John nodded. He opened his mouth to say something but, after a moment, closed it again. He looked pained and Lafayette hated knowing that he was the one who had brought this pain to him.

"Next time," John said carefully, as though each word was meticulously analysed before being spoken. "When you need to do this, call me? Please? We can find something else that can help you."

Lafayette nodded, internally sulking at the taking of his coping methods. What if he didn't want to find something else that would help? Why couldn't he have this? 

He sighed, all energy leaving his body with the sudden exhale of breath. He felt exhausted.

John brushed a strand of hair away from Lafayette's face. "I forgot to ask, what pronouns are you using right now?" 

"Him," Lafayette mumbled. He couldn't look John in the eye yet, not when he still felt so ashamed. But when John stood up, Lafayette quickly entangled his hand into the other male's shirt, feeling clingy but desperate to not be alone. "Where are you going?" 

John sent him a reassuring smile, hand dropping to rub soothing circles into Lafayette's wrist. "I'm just grabbing my phone," he promised. Lafayette removed his hand reluctantly, watching John as he strode to the desk by the door and grabbed the phone that lay there. He returned within seconds and Lafayette fought to breathe a sigh of relief when John sat on the covers of the bed once more.

"I love you," John said suddenly and Lafayette looked up, heart beating fast. He felt his cheeks get hot and he swallowed heavily. Was John...? "You're an amazing friend and it's a blessing to stand next to you." Lafayette's heart dropped. Of course, John had meant it in a platonic way. He was looking at things with rose-tinted glasses and it would only lead to heart break and disappointment.

"I mean it," John added when Lafayette said nothing. "I love you. And I'll do anything for you, anything that'll help you. You know that, right?" 

Lafayette nodded, eyes glancing up to see John watching him intently. His gaze was so intense, so intimate, so  _loving_ , that Lafayette had to glance away again, throat choking up with emotion. 

"I know," he said finally, his voice strangled and his accent stronger. "Je t'aime."

When he looked up again, John's cheeks were painted with a light pink.

They sat in silence for a while, simply enjoying each other's presence. Lafayette's eyes flitted to the knife that was left discarded on top of the drawer before glancing away. He wouldn't think about it, it was unfair to lovely John, who He yawned, feeling the events of the day catching up on his body. It had been such a long day. He wondered blearily what time it was now. 

"Wanna go to sleep?" John asked, brushing a warm hand over Lafayette's cheek. The gesture was almost too intimate but Lafayette leaned into it.

" _Oui,_ I'm a little tired," he admitted. John smiled fondly, leaning even closer to tie up Lafayette's hair with the hair tie that he always carried on his wrist. Lafayette revelled in the soft hands that gently manoeuvred his unruly curls.

The two of them lay down on the bed, too close to be considered normal by most. The night was warm and so they discarded the covers. Their legs were entangled in each others and perhaps it should have been uncomfortable but it felt  _right_. Lafayette closed his eyes to the sight of tousled curls splayed across the pillow, the feeling of John's dexterous fingers tracing shapes into his chest and the warmth that radiated from John's body. 

For the first time in a long while, he slept without dreaming of George.

When Lafayette woke up, the bed was empty. He frowned, blinking blearily as sunlight streamed from the open curtain to attack his eyes. When had John left? It was pretty late when they had finally gotten in bed, it would have been easier to simply stay. He shrugged it off.

Sitting up, he found Herc sitting at the desk with a sewing machine, 

" _Bonjour, mon cher_ ," he greeted, his voice raspier than normal. His hair had fallen free from its confines sometime during the night and the curls fell into his face. He brushed them away to see Herc looking up and grinning.

"Morning," he replied. "Finally decided to join us in the conscious world?" 

Lafayette pulled a face. "I wish I didn't have to," he said, pouting. He paused when he realised the words that had left his mouth. What if Herc thought he was suicidal? Did John tell him what had happened last night? He swallowed, panic rising from the bottom of his stomach to strangle at his throat. 

"You okay, Laf?" Herc asked. Lafayette's gaze snapped to the darker skinned man. Herc's eyebrow was raised but he didn't look particularly concerned. It was unlikely that John had told him. Herc had a habit of getting worked up over small issues and would fret over anything. If John  _had_ told him, Herc's reaction would have been-

"Laf?"

Lafayette realised that he hadn't replied yet. "I'm fine,  _mon ami_. When did John leave? He got back okay, right?" 

Herc shrugged. "Pretty late, around ten or eleven. He texted me when he got back, so he's fine."

"He didn't... have anything to tell you?" Lafayette asked cautiously. 

Herc shook his head, looking curious but not pressing the matter when Lafayette said nothing. "Oh, and what are your pronouns?" 

"Still he/him," Lafayette said, smiling as he slipped out of the bed. 

"I keep forgetting to ask," Herc said morosely. "I'm trying but sometimes, it just completely slips my mind. I wish I was better at this." 

Lafayette felt his heart swell to three times its normal size. Herc was going to be the damn death of him. How was he supposed to  _not_ crush on Herc when he was this sweet and sincere? 

"Don't worry," Lafayette said warmly, walking over to the desk and sitting down on the edge. He crossed one leg over the other and tried not to smile when he noticed Herc's gaze slip to his thighs for a second before looking back at his face. "The fact that you're trying is more than I could ever ask for. Thank you,  _mon cher_." 

"You deserve more than just trying," Herc frowned. Lafayette shook his head, smiling.

"Some people aren't willing to do even that much," he said simply, not elaborating even at Herc's quizzical look.

 He would tell them, one day.  _Soon_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> daveed is so beautiful, kill me now
> 
> OKAY BUT WHEN LAF SITS ON HERC'S DESK AND HERC GLANCES AT HIS THIGHS that's actually from my other fic, Secret Admirer, in the first chapter, when JEFFERSON sits on MADISON'S desk and flaunts his legs whilst madison kinda chokes because daveed is hot, okay
> 
> next chapter is gonna be a bit more alex/laf because alex didn't get much action in the past couple of chapters and i like my pouty little baby to be the centre of attention
> 
> still on tumblr, hmu [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beyonce's formation kinda killed me tbh

-THEM-

 

Lafayette was doodling on a piece of paper, drawing cherry bunches and mushrooms across the paper. They weren't in the mood for essays and besides, they were mostly on top of their work pile. It was nice, once in a while, to simply do nothing but sketch small spaceships surrounded by cartoon smiling planets.

"I'm bored," Alex grumbled.

  
Apparently, Alex didn't appreciate doing nothing. Lafayette was on Alex Duty today, and they were not, under any circumstances, permitting Alex to do any work, as per the rules of Alex Duty. He needed nights like these when one of them would stop him from over-working himself into an early death.

   
Lafayette looked up from their doodles and grinned at the sight. Alex was sprawled across the bed, his limbs splayed awkwardly and his face burrowed in a pillow, which explained why his voice was so muffled. He looked vaguely like a starfish and Lafayette found himself sneakily snapping a picture before Alex noticed. He sent it to John and Herc before deeming Alex's complaints worthy of response.

"Wanna watch a movie?" Lafayette offered, continuing with their doodles from the scrap piece of paper. The preposition made Alex sit up quickly and drag his laptop out from beneath the bed. 

"Lilo and Stitch," Alex announced and Lafayette laughed at the predictability. Alex was Disney trash and completely unashamed of his obsession with Lilo and Stitch.

Ten minutes later, Lafayette was leaning against the headboard of the bed, legs stretched out in front of them with Alex's head resting in their lap. Their hand was caressing Alex's locks, a soothing gesture that normally made Alex fall asleep. Sure enough, Alex's eyes had fluttered shut and his breathing was beginning to even out. They continued to concentrate on the movie, only occasionally looking away when Alex shifted in their lap.

"I like this film," Alex mumbled, sounding so drowsy that Lafayette wondered if he was talking in his sleep. "It reminds me of us." 

Lafayette smiled. "Ohana means family," they quoted. 

"Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten," Alex added with a sleepy smile. 

They sat in silence for a while. Lafayette continued to watch the movie whereas Alex had fallen asleep, having watched Lilo and Stitch a couple of thousand times. 

The door opened and Lafayette quickly hushed John as he walked into the room. John nodded, gently setting his messenger bag on the table and moving over to the bed to sit with them. Lafayette grew tense - this was the first time they had seen John since the cutting incident and they found themself despairing over how John would treat them now. 

"What are you watching?" John asked quietly, leaning his head on Lafayette's shoulder. The weight was comfortable and grounded them for the inevitable conversation they knew was looming ahead.

"Lilo and Stitch," Lafayette whispered. "Alex fell asleep a while ago."

John nodded. Neither of them said anything for a moment.

"Laf?" John tilted his head up slightly and warm lips brushed against their jaw. Lafayette's breath hitched at the intimate contact and they wondered if John could hear their erratic heartbeat. With their close proximity, they wouldn't be surprised if he could.

"Yeah?"

"You should tell the others what happened last night," John said, sitting up to watch Lafayette carefully. "I know you don't want to, but we could help, you know?" 

They took a deep breath and then Lafayette nodded. "I know. I'll... I'll tell them."

John smiled, resting his hand on Lafayette's thigh. "Shall we finish the movie? Herc's bringing pizza when he comes back from his appointment but that's gonna be at least ten minutes."

Lafayette nodded, grateful for the opportunity to change the subject. They weren't particularly excited about telling the others about their self-harming tendencies - it was their problem and they didn't want to burden the others with selfish issues. 

John curled up against Lafayette, resting his head on their shoulder once more and taking care to not wake Alex. The two of them and stared at the laptop screen, no longer watching the movie but simply enjoying the close contact between them. 

Perhaps it was the calm silence that gave Lafayette courage or perhaps their courage came from the conversation they had just had and the conversation they knew was coming. Regardless of the source of their bravery, Lafayette pressed a light kiss to John's forehead and whispered, "Je t'aime."

John smiled, his cheeks lightly flushed, unnoticeable from further away but clear enough from Lafayette's close positioning. "I love you too." 

Within minutes, the lull in conversation and movement made Lafayette drowsy and the somnolent sound of Alex's evened breath made their own eyes flutter shut. Their head rested on top of John's and within minutes, they were half-asleep.

Even when half way to dreamland, Lafayette couldn't help but marvel at how lucky they were to have such amazing friends. How had they ended up with them? What had they done in their past life to deserve a reward like this? Feeling Alex's head in their lap and John half-asleep on their shoulder, they wondered if this was what heaven felt like. 

The door banged open and all three startled awake. John almost fell of the bed in surprise and scowled at Herc, who was grinning sheepishly at the doorway. 

"Sorry," he apologized, setting his bag down and presenting pizza boxes and bags of takeaway. "On the other hand, I have pizza!"

"We forgive you, _mon_ _cher_ ," Lafayette said immediately, jumping off the bed and, after almost tripping, snatching the plastic bags. "I call dibs on the coke."

"You're the only one who ever wants coke, Laf," Alex said, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he attempted to untangle his feet from the covers.

Herc laughed loudly. "You better concentrate on getting out of those covers or the pizzas gonna be finished by the time you get out of bed." 

Alex redoubled his efforts, yanking furiously at the covers and managing, somehow, to entangle it even more. Lafayette chuckled, stealing a chip from one of the boxes as they watched John stand to help Alex out.

"I have no idea how you manage to do this every time," John complained as he carefully pulled the covers away. Alex looked up at him brightly when he was finally freed, a brilliant smile adorning his face. 

John stared at Alex for a beat too long, clearly dazzled by his smile. Lafayette smiled knowingly - they knew the feeling of being enraptured by Alex too well.

"If there's pineapple on the pizza, I'm not eating it," Alex said loudly as he made his way over to the desk where the pizza boxes lay. John rolled his eyes and Herc chuckled, taking out the fries and chicken. "Pineapple pizza is an abomination, it's  _blasphemous_."

" _Excusez-moi_?" Lafayette said indignantly, feeling personally offended. John rolled his eyes - this was an argument that had come up more than once. "One more insult against pineapples on pizza and you'll regret it,  _mon_ _ami_." 

Alex turned to them and said, slowly and clearly, " _Pineapples on pizza is bullshit_."

Lafayette's gaze flickered to Herc, who gave them a small almost imperceptible nod before grabbing Alex by the arms and holding him still as Lafayette began to tickle him.

Alex let out a loud squeal, feet kicked wildly as Lafayette's fingers searched his ticklish spots. He was squirming so much that he almost hit Lafayette in the face, much to John's amusement. But Lafayette was relentless, moving further up and tickling under Alex's chin. The giggles increase tenfold and Lafayette grinned - there was the jackpot. They entangled a hand in Alex's hair and tugged his head back for better access, making Alex... moan? 

Yes, that was no doubt a moan, and an extremely sexual one.

Lafayette froze and glanced at Alex's face. His cheeks were flushed and his hair a mess, locks falling from his ponytail to frame his face. He was avoiding their gaze and Lafayette took pity on him when they saw how embarrassed he looked. They flicked Alex's forehead with a finger and Herc's arms were suddenly hugging Alex rather than restraining him.

"Can we eat now?" Herc whined, an obvious subject change that all three pounced upon.

Lafayette grinned, sitting crosslegged on the floor and patting the space next to them. "Who's stopping you? Bring the pizza." 

Alex sat beside them, shooting them a grateful smile for not mentioning the incident. His face was still a little pink and John passed him an blood-orange Tango as consolidation.

Lafayette, meanwhile, was having trouble trying not to think too much about the fact that _Alex was turned on by_ _hair-pulling_ _, holy shit._

"Tuna pizzas are where it's at," Herc said loudly and they all laughed, the almost palpable tension now broken. 

The food was passed around and the four of them devoured every morsel as though it would be the last time they would ever had food on their plates. John was tearing into the chicken wings, Alex was full within minutes and was now picking lightly at the chips and Herc was meticulously picking out olives from the pizza and placing them in front of Lafayette before every bite.

"I can't believe you like olives," Herc said disgustedly, shooting a look at the pile of olives. 

Lafayette laughed and opened their mouth to say something when they saw John watching them. They paused, remembering John's words. _'You should tell the others what happened last night.'_ Now was as good a time as any and Lafayette knew that if they didn't tell them now, they'd never build up the courage to tell them.

And so, taking even breaths and carefully setting their pizza down, they looked up.

"Um," Lafayette started before closing their mouth again with a frown. They realised that they hadn't even planned out what they were going to say. But Alex and Herc were already watching them expectantly and John had a small, supportive smile. John would never pressure them but the incessant need to make their friends happy and  _proud_ of them made Lafayette push forward. 

"I, uh, I guess now would be a good time to mention that I self-harm occasionally?" Lafayette said finally, sending a sheepish glance at the two males on their left. 

The pizza felt out of Herc's hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this update was faster than my other updates and it's also a little bit longer so I'm proud of myself. I used to be sooooo terrible with multichapter fics, honestly, I'd get to around 4000 and then give up and start something else. The fact that I managed to get past the 10,000 words mark at all is kinda surprising for me
> 
> Also, I'm British so if there's anything that you think sounds weird or off or whatever, it's might be because of that. I just found out that only Brits say 'barmy', 'bollocks' and 'are you having a laugh?' so I'm still in a bit of confusion because I thought that was something everyone said but apparently not??


	8. Chapter 8

-THEM-

"You..." Alex paused. "You self-harm?" 

Lafayette took a deep breath, carefully avoiding everyone's gaze and staring into their lap. " _Oui_. Occasionally. Not... Not often."  
  
They felt a hand on their thigh and they looked up to see John still smiling at them. Lafayette smiled back before glancing at the others to discern their reaction - they knew it was a revelation that was pretty difficult to digest and for a moment, they wondered if Alex and Herc were going to blame them or worse, force them to stop.  
  
Herc was nodding slowly, looking as though he was thinking deeply. "How long?" he asked. "Like, when was the first time... y'know."  
  
It was a little cute that Herc couldn't even say 'self-harm' out loud. "Uh, back in freshman year. It was kind of because of a guy I was dating back then... But I carried on after we broke up."  
  
John was frowning now. Lafayette realised that they hadn't told John about this part of the story. Their eyes fluttered shut as they continued to talk - they didn't think they could look at their friends whilst telling them this.  
  
"Uh, his name was George," Lafayette elaborated. "George King-  
  
Alex sucked in a breath and Lafayette opened their eyes to look at him questioningly. "Quoi?"  
  
"I know him," Alex said quietly and he looked _distraught_. "I saw him all the time in freshman year. And I never... I had no idea..."  
  
"How were you expected to know?" Lafayette countered. Alex shook his head and gestured to Lafayette for them to continue. "Well, we started dating towards the end of high school but we broke up a year and a half later. He, uh, he was abusive. He used to call me things like 'slut' or 'whore', pull my hair, slap me and stuff. But then I came out to him and he..."  
  
They trailed off, swallowing heavily. It was easy to tell the earlier events of the story in a unattached way, like they were retelling the plot of a novel, but suddenly they found themselves imagining George's fingers all around them, brushing their cheek lightly like he always did after he slapped them, the way he'd-  
  
"You don't have to carry on," John said and Lafayette snapped back to the present, startled. "We can talk about something else."  
  
Lafayette shook their head. "I need to tell you guys. I need to tell _someone._ I've got to get used to " But they remained silent for a moment, pulling their hair from the hair tie and re-doing their ponytail. "Um, I told him I was genderfluid and he, uh, he called me a tranny and broke up with me."  
  
The silence was deafening, and Lafayette just wanted one of them to speak, to say _anything,_ but they was also terrified of what they would say. But maybe they didn't need words, not when Herc was moving closer to wrap an arm around Lafayette's slimmer frame. Lafayette welcomed the embrace without hesitation, nuzzling their nose into the junction between his neck and shoulder. John manoeuvred himself so that his head was on Lafayette's thighs, a comfortable and grounding weight. Lafayette let themself bury their hand in John's curls, playing with the soft strands. Alex was the last to move, shifting towards Herc and settling in his lap with little shame, lips tugged into a frown even as Herc wrapped an arm around him too, hand splayed on Alex's tummy and rubbing soothing circles.

They remained there for longer than Lafayette could remember, the food cold and forgotten.

* * *

 -HIM-

Lafayette was sitting at the desk in Herc's room, writing up a draft that he should probably have began long before now. His hair had dried but the towel remained around his shoulders. He had originally walked in to ask a question about a particular assignment, but found himself distracted by his sudden motivation to write and was desperate to get his thoughts written down before he forgot them. It was probably bad manners to walk into someone's room and sit at their desk, but Lafayette was too busy tapping furiously at his phone to think much of it. After all, he and Herc were extremely close after sharing a dorm room in their freshman year, and even now, they had no problem walking in on each other and making themselves comfortable in the other's room, even after they moved to a dorm with separate rooms.

"Dude, that's my towel," Herc grumbled as he entered, completely unfazed by the sight of Lafayette at his desk. Lafayette smiled brightly at him and stuck his middle finger up.

The conversation had gone much better than expected and Lafayette had thought it too good to be true. He had expected, at the very least, for the others to start acting strangely, treating him as though he was fragile and made of glass. Surprisingly enough, they hadn't. The day continued as normal, aside from Alex's lip-biting (a clear sign that he was upset), John's overly affectionate gestures and, on occasion, Herc's random hugs.

The door opened and Lafayette ignored it, continuing to type. It wasn't until he felt someone rest their elbows on his shoulders that he turned to see who it was.

"Peggy called," Alex said, tilting his head down to smile at the Frenchman. Lafayette raised an eyebrow.

"What did she say?"

Lafayette and the youngest Schuyler sister were surprisingly close and they met up from time to time to discuss (read: gossip) about the latest events, who was dating who, etc. Now that Lafayette thought about it, he hadn't seen her much the past two weeks and they hadn't had their usual gossip sessions. He felt a sharp pang of guilt; people had a habit of forgetting about Peggy, and he had managed to add himself on that list

"She said you guys should meet up," Alex shrugged. "Have you seen that turtle teddy anywhere?"

The turtle teddy had been a gift John had given to Alex once, after promising a reward if Alex slept before one in the morning for two weeks. This had, of course, no effect on Alex's sleep schedule, but when Herc had threatened to take his laptop away, Alex had managed the whole two weeks, and demanded a reward anyway. It was no surprise that Alex had complained when he found out the reward was just a teddy, but had kept it and soon became fiercely protective of it.

"Check under or on Herc's bed," Lafayette advised. "He's been sleeping with it the past two days."

"Bastard," Alex grumbled, pulling back the covers of Herc's bed with unnecessary ferocity. Lafayette snorted, pulling his phone closer towards him and texting Peggy.

 

To **Peggyyyy <3**

_-Mon petit lion said you wanted to hang out_

 

From **And Peggyyyy <3** 

_-dont act like you havent missed me these past two weeks_

 

To **And Peggyyyy <3**

_-Shhh, I have a reputation to upkeep_

- _Shall we go to our coffee shop?_

 

From **And Peggyyyy <3**

- _what reputation? sweetie, you have no reputation_

- _also, dont act like you own that coffee shop_

- _but yeah, sounds good_

 

To  **And Peggyyyy <3**

- _Why are you always so mean to me?? All I ever do is love you_

 

From  **And Peggyyyy <3**

- _shut up, laf_

_-we should invite the others, its been a while since weve all met up together_

 

To **And Peggyyyy <3**

_-Please use apostrophes, mon cher_

 

From **And Peggyyyy <3**

_-weve, weve, weve, weve, weve_

__

To **And Peggyyyy <3** 

_-Je te deteste_

__

From **And Peggyyyy <3**

_-your insults dont work if i dont understand them_

"Are you free right now,  _mon ami?"_ Lafayette asked, turning to Alex who shrugged apologetically. 

"I've got an appointment with Washington in ten minutes," he told him. "Is whatever you want less than that?"

Lafayette shook his head. "Never mind. Make sure you're not late." Herc and John were at a lecture, Peggy despised Jefferson, Madison would most likely not bother coming and Angelica was ill. Who did that leave from his closest circle of friends?

 

To  **QueenBetsy**

_-Eliza, are you free now?_

From **QueenBetsy**

- _Yeah, why_ _?_

__

To **QueenBetsy**

_-Peggy and I are meeting up and we wanted to know if you'd come_

 

From **QueenBetsy**

_-Sure! Where are we meeting up?_

__

To **QueenBetsy**

_-That small French coffee shop with the croissants_

From **QueenBetsy**

_-THE croissants? The ones you said you were going to marry?_

_-The ones that you once punched a guy for because he bumped into you and made you drop it?_

_-The ones you almost cried over because they weren't in stock for a week?_

To **QueenBetsy**

_-......................Oui_

From **QueenBetsy**

_-Well I can't say no to that_

_-What time?_

To **QueenBetsy**

_-Does twenty minutes sound good?_

From **QueenBetsy**

_-Sure!_

_-Can I invite someone? Her name's Maria and I want her to make some friends_

To **QueenBetsy**

_-Of course!_

To **And Peggyyyy <3**

_-Ma chère, we're meeting in twenty minutes_

_-Eliza's coming and bringing a friend_

 

From **And Peggyyyy <3**

_-why the fuck do you use commas when youre texting ew_

__

Lafayette grinned, satisfied. One day, one day he would make Peggy use punctuation in her texts, even if it was just an apostrophe. 

"We're going to be meeting at the French coffee shop," Lafayette announced to Alex, pushing away his laptop and abandoning the draft. "Do you know a girl called Maria?" 

Alex frowned, pausing momentarily in the emptying of his bag. "Uh, I know a few. Which one?" 

"Friends with Eliza?" Lafayette tried. 

Alex's eyes lit up. "Oh,  _that_ Maria. Yeah, I know her, she's really sweet. And gorgeous too. We did a project together once and honestly, she was just the nicest thing ever, oh my god. No wonder she's friends with Eliza."

Lafayette frowned. Why was Alex waxing poetic over some girl after only one project together? It usually took much longer for him to start singing someone's praises...

Lafayette was  _not_ jealous. Not in the least.

He pushed away the feeling, knowing he was being ridiculous. Alex had every right to talk to whoever he wanted and if he had a crush on someone, Lafayette would support him whole-heartedly. Jealousy had no place in his heart.  _Their friendship was sacred and he wasn't going to poison it with misplaced romantic feelings._

"Why do you ask?"

Lafayette shrugged. "Eliza's bringing her along when we meet up with Peggy. Wanted her to make some friends, she said."

Alex nodded knowingly, finally finding the small, folded-up piece of paper he was looking for in his backpack. "She's real nice, you'll get along with her. Anyway, I gotta get going before I'm late." 

"Don't fight anyone on your way there," Lafayette teased and Alex pouted playfully as he pushed the straps of his backpack onto his shoulders properly.

"That was  _one time_ , oh my god." 

"Of course," Lafayette replied, amused. He watched Alex leave, still looking disgruntled. "Don't be late!"

"I won't,  _mother_ ," was the sarcastic reply he received and Lafayette shook his head exasperatedly before standing up and opening his closet in search of clothes that weren't the sweatpants and tshirt he was currently wearing. Half his shirts were still in John and Alex's room and for some reason, he found several of his jeans on Herc's bed. 

Finally, he found a casual button up he was extremely fond of and a pair of ripped jeans. He walked briskly to the coffee shop, rarely making eye contact and avoiding awkward small talk with casual acquaintances. Burr almost stopped him and Lafayette had just barely managed to dodge past him with a vague explanation of being late and a lot of French, which he hoped would deter the other man. Not that he hated him but... Well.

"Laf!" 

Lafayette was just about to push the door of the coffee shop open when he saw Peggy, Eliza and a beautiful, olive-skinned girl advancing in his direction. 

"Mes chers," he said brightly, pushing the door open for them. "How are you all?"

"Terrible," Peggy said ominously. "But before I tell you my woes, this is Maria." 

The girl smiled hesitantly, waved and then immediately looked embarrassed about waving. Lafayette grinned. He understood why Alex liked her so much - she seemed adorable. Her skin was completely blemish-free and Lafayette wondered where she bought her lipstick from for a second before pushing the thought away. There was no way he could ask without coming across as suspicious. 

For a moment, he considered coming out to the three girls, right there and then. He banished the thought almost immediately. 

"It is a pleasure to meet you, mon cher," he said sincerely and her gaze dropped to the floor shyly for a second before she looked up and smiled. 

"The pleasure is all mine," she said quietly, brushing a strand of dark hair behind her ear. 

As they stood in line, they chatted amicably. Peggy had an argument with John Church again and spent the majority of the time ranting about his racist comments. Eliza had began knitting and promised to make Lafayette a scarf as soon as she was good enough. 

Lafayette noted the way that Maria remained half-hidden behind Eliza the entire time, like a child hiding behind their parents on the first day of kindergarten. Occasionally, her hand would clutch loosely at Eliza's summer dress as though afraid she would disappear. 

"I asked for  _soy milk_ , you nitwit!" a voice said loudly and Lafayette flinched as though he had been struck.

 "Can you do nothing right? Why the fuck are pillocks like you even _hired_? You worthless piece of shi-"

Lafayette gasped, stumbling backwards and almost falling. 

' _You worthless piece of shit, you never get anything right, what the bloody hell is wrong with you? Freak, useless whore-"_

"Lafayette?"

Lafayette's vision refocused just long enough to see Eliza, Peggy and Maria watching him concernedly. A part of him, the part that wasn't still shaking with the unadulterated fear of that _voice_ and all the memories it brought back, told him that he should cover it up, should brush it off and pretend it was normal. He didn't want to ruin the others' day, it wasn't fair that they should have to have their mood destroyed just because he couldn't get a grip. But he couldn't. He felt like he was drowning, and he could almost feel a hand on his throat, choking him out until he was gasping for breath. He could feel his blood pumping and he just wanted it to _stop,_ wanted everything to stop, everything was too much at one time and he couldn't, he couldn't,  _he couldn't._

He took a ragged breath and turned around, running out of the coffee shop with his eyes blurred with tears.

He recognised that voice. There was no way on Earth he could ever forget that voice.

George was back in America.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooooo I got a surprise for you guys next chapter ;)))) Remember that drama warning I gave you guys? Yep. It's coming. Prepare for pain. That's all I'm gonna say.
> 
> also, i'm kind of excited about george's reappearance because I can finally use all the british insults and phrases that i've had to stop using so i'm gonna find a way to put the word 'rubbish', 'bollocks' and 'knackered' into one conversation yay
> 
> You can shout at me here: [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)


	9. Chapter 9

-HIM-

"He's back," Lafayette gasped when he threw the door open. Herc looked up from his book, clearly startled. "He's back, he's back, he's..." Here, Lafayette trailed off, eyes widening in disbelief. Why had he never thought of this? He had never considered that George might return... "He's back... mon dieu, he's back..."

"Laf?" 

Lafayette startled when he heard Herc's voice, closer than he expected, and his hands flew up to cover his face automatically before he realised what he was doing. He lowered his hands, cheeks flushed with shame and embarrassment. Why would he ever think that Herc would hurt him? No, that was George's forte...

"He's back..." he whispered to Herc, voice distraught. His hand subconsciously clutched the fabric of the other male's shirt as Herc stepped even closer, revelling in the heat of his body. He felt his fingers brush firm muscle and he took a deep breath; he could smell that distinctive smell of Hercules Mulligan, spicy from his aftershave and the sweet smell of apples lingering underneath, the smell of felt and silk and man...

It wasn't until a salty tear slid into the corner of his mouth that Lafayette realised he was crying.

"It's okay, kitten," Herc muttered and _what_? Lafayette felt a small shudder run up his spine at the nickname - god, he  _knew_ he shouldn't enjoy it that much, knew that he shouldn't take advantage of Herc's obliviousness and yet it sounded  _so good_. "It's okay, I've got you." A heavy hand rested on the back of his neck and Lafayette caved to the light pressure, allowing himself to be guided until Lafayette was half-sitting on the desk with his head resting on Herc's shoulder as he wept bitterly.

"I never thought..." Lafayette began brokenly, words broken by small hiccups. Herc rubbed soothingly at his back. "I never thought he'd be back, I never considered... never thought it might happen... _mon dieu, je suis un idiot_." 

"Hey, I don't know French but that doesn't sound positive," Herc said immediately. He tapped Lafayette's chin twice, a silent signal for him to look up and Lafayette was just so  _exhausted_ that the idea of being told what to do sounded amazing. He looked up immediately and heard Herc inhale sharply. He wondered how he looked with his puffy eyes, tinged red, and his hair falling out from the hair band. He probably looked a mess. He was surprised that Herc hadn't gone running for the hills yet. George would have left long ago, or at least slapped him for being such a dramatic baby.

"Lafayette?" Herc said cautiously. "Who... Who's back?" 

Oh. Lafayette had not actually mentioned his name. He should probably tell him and yet his tongue felt heavy, too heavy to formulate the word, the _name_ , that he spent so long trying to avoid saying. He took a deep, shuddering breath and let his head drop back down to Herc's shoulder.

"He's back," he repeated. "George... He's back." 

Herc sucked in a breath, the sound of his inhale loud in the otherwise silent room. Lafayette wondered vaguely where John and Alex were right now and selfishly hoped that they would not come here. It was bad enough that Herc was seeing him like this, he didn't need the other loves of his life to see him at his worst state. It was  _humiliating_. 

George would have called him a slut. Falling in love with first person to show him attention? Not even one, but _three_? Was he so desperate that he would latch onto anyone who would call him a friend? God, he was pathetic. Herc, John and Alex were probably sick of him, they probably got together and talked behind his back, saying what a freak he was-

No, Lafayette tried to argue weakly. They wouldn't do that, they would never do that...

They probably thought he was such a  _burden_ -

Lafayette recoiled suddenly and Herc stepped back immediately as though he had been burnt. Lafayette couldn't look him in the eye - he felt sick with shame.

"Laf?" 

Lafayette shook his head furiously, more strands of hair falling from his ponytail and into his face. He slipped off the desk without his usual grace, stumbling instead in the direction of the bed as he steadfastly refused to meet Herc's gaze. He shouldn't burden him any more than he already had. Herc probably felt inconvenienced, forced to comfort this crazy man-child freak-

"I'm fine," he mumbled, tugging at the hair band and letting his hair fall loose. His fingers caught in the tangles and he bit his lip at the sharp pain. It reminded him too much of when  _he_ pulled at his hair. "I'm fine." The taste of blood flooded his mouth when his teeth dug a little too deep onto his lip. Just like when  _he_ would bite too hard when they were kissing. "I'm fine." More tears streaming down his cheeks. "I'm fine." He tripped over a book, his vision blurred by tears. 

"Laf," Herc said, steady hands on Lafayette's weight, warm and welcoming. Herc sounded distraught,  _helpless,_ like he didn't know what to do. 

God, why did he inconvenience everyone he knew? 

"Laf, I don't think you're fine," Herc was saying carefully and Lafayette cried harder because  _no_ , he wasn't fine, he wasn't even on the same planet as fine, but he needed to be fine to stop being a burden. His mind flashed back to when he was a child, his father pushing away, his mother scolding him...

" _Don't burden your father, Gilbert..."_

_"Gilbert, stop inconveniencing your father..."_

" _Stop being such a child, Gilbert, your father is busy enough as it is..."_

_"_ I'm sorry," Lafayette whimpered even as he fell into Herc's embrace. "I'm sorry I'm such a burden, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be, I swear-" 

"Laf, you're  _not_ a burden," Herc said firmly, cutting him off. Lafayette simply burrowed his face deeper into Herc's shoulder. He wondered, for a moment, if he could meld into the skin of Herc's neck and just be a part of him, if he tried hard enough. What a strange thought. He dismissed. He was probably still hysterical from the close encounter. 

"You're as far from a burden as it is possible to be," Herc was saying and Lafayette reminded himself to actually listen to the words that Herc was saying but his voice was so deep and soothing, like rich dark chocolate, velvety and thick, or like the quiet lapping noises of the ocean at night. 

"I love you," Lafayette mumbled into Herc's t-shirt. It wasn't until the other man froze that he realised what he had said, trying to push himself away. God, he was so stupid! Why did he ruin everything, all the damn time? 

He tried to move away but strong arms wrapped around his waist, bringing him closer. "It's okay," Herc mumbled, no,  _crooned_ , and Lafayette was falling in love all over again. "It's okay, kitten-" 

"Don't call me that," Lafayette snapped before wincing. " _Merde_ , no, I didn't mean that-" 

"It's okay," Herc said again and when Lafayette looked up at him, his face was completely smooth, not betraying any emotion, blank. "It's alright to not like something. I can stop calling you it, if it bothers you."

"No," Lafayette refused, shaking his head as his hands fidgeted with the hem of Herc's t-shirt. "I like it, don't... don't stop."

A pause and Lafayette wondered wildly if he had pushed too far. Was Herc weirded out? Did he think Lafayette was a freak? Oh god, he'd finally see Lafayette for the freak he was, he was going to leave him, he was going to hate him, hewasgoingtoleaveohgodohgodnopleaseno-

"It's alright, kitten." Three words and Lafayette's body melted, tension leaving him as one of his worst fears was dismissed... for now.  

A familiar voice wafted into the room and both Herc and Lafayette froze. The door was still open - neither had bothered to close it - and Alex's footsteps were getting closer and closer. He appeared to be talking on the phone, his tone confrontational. 

"Do you wanna-" Herc began but Alex had already walked into the room, stabbing at his phone screen angrily as he hung up.

"God, Jefferson is such a dick," Alex complained loudly, throwing his phone onto the bed before turning to face the two inhabitants of the room. Lafayette watched as realisation dawned on his features, almost comical, and he suppressed a hysterical laugh at the situation.

"Are you okay, Laf?" Alex said calmly, slow footsteps leading him towards Lafayette. His hand reached out long before he was close enough to touch, like he was approaching a scared cat that he wanted to stroke. Lafayette kind of wanted a cat. He'd always wanted to adopt a kitten but dorm policies didn't allow pets. He always imagined having a white kitten, or maybe a ginger one. His mind flitted back to when Herc called him 'kitten'.

"I'm fine," he repeated to Alex. His words were a little more true this time. 

Alex was finally standing in front of him. His hand brushed Lafayette's cheek and he leaned into the touch almost immediately, craving the affection that George had denied him-

" _Always the attention-whore, looking for more affection where ever you goes_." 

Lafayette cringed, withdrawing from Alex's touch. He already had Herc hugging him loosely, why was looking for more attention? Why was he always such a-

"Do you not want me to touch you?" Alex asked carefully, moving his hand away slowly. "It's okay if you don't."

"No," he responded immediately. "I want..." How was he supposed to explain that he wanted Alex to touch him but, at the same time, he didn't want to be lavished in attention and care that he didn't deserve? "I want you to touch me." 

The hand returned, stroking his cheek, thumbing through the sharp pricks of facial hair, rubbing lightly at his temple, tracing the slope of his nose. He cracked his eyes open and saw Alex watching him in awe, like a child who was seeing a kitten for the first time. Lafayette needed to stop thinking about kittens.

With Alex's wandering fingers and Herc's steadying arms, he almost fell asleep right there, humming contently. He vaguely registered fingers brushing the corners of his lips briefly before hurriedly moving away. He giggled sleepily against Herc's chest, mentally counting each of Herc's heartbeats. He felt exhausted, drained from the events of the day.

He felt safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating in aaaages. This chapter is a teensy bit longer than the others and when I say 'teensy bit' that's literally just a couple of hundred words more so... yeah. More Schuyler sisters in the next couple of chapters, another character comes out and I'm finally going to be introducing Jefferson and Madison. I'm surprised they haven't been in this yet.
> 
> Lin and his pigtails killed me. In unrelated news, I'm considering switching my default hairstyle to pigtails. 
> 
> I do that tumbling thing too [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)


	10. Chapter 10

-THEM-

There was a bird on the windowsill.

A raven, to be specific. Lafayette watched from their sprawled position on the bed as the sleek, black feathers ruffled in the wind.  They wanted to get closer to see it properly, see the metallic sheen of the wings, the intelligent glint in the eyes, the sharp curve of the beak. But they couldn't find the energy to move and simply watched the raven fly away.

They sighed. 

In that moment, there was nothing worth living for. There was nothing that tethered them to this world, keeping them alive and forcing them to take their next breath. They thought, just for a moment, that if a serial killer burst through the door with a gun and ready to kill them, they wouldn't resist. After all, what was possibly worth the effort?

They pushed the thought away quickly. It was dangerous to think like that and they couldn't afford it, not when they were already so vulnerable after the encounter. Those were thoughts for another day. Today, they would persevere through life's challenges even as they gazed longingly at the roof of a high building, wishing they were up there and making their way down.

Their eyelids fluttered shut again, they could not summon the energy to open them again. Instead, they wiped their mind.  They were too tired to think. Too tired to  _breathe_ , now that they came to think about it. They entered a dream-like state, half asleep and yet fully aware of their surroundings. The distant whistle of the wind reached their ears and they revelled in the gentle noises, the soothing lullaby of life.

Lafayette cracked an eye open at the sound of someone entering the room. Almost immediately, they felt their breath knocked out of their chest, lungs suddenly empty and useless as they gaped unattractively at the doorway.

The sight of John in nothing but a towel greeted them. They swallowed nervously as their eyes tracked a trail of water dripping down his collarbone and reaching his nipple. Breathing was no longer a priority and Lafayette could think of nothing but this gorgeous man, this beautiful creature that stood before them and never before had they felt so blessed merely to be in someone's presence. 

"Hey, Laf," John said, smiling brightly. Lafayette felt slightly blinded and they blinked as though the sun had decided to unexpectedly shine through the clouds when they least expected it and hit them in the face with a bright burst of sunlight.

Lafayette was silent for far too long and now John was looking at them worriedly. They mentally shook themselves out of their trance before smiling back tentatively. "Hi. You just showered?" 

"What gave it away?" John joked as he walked over to the desk. The towel, already slung too low, slipped even further with each step and by the time John was at the desk, back turned to him and the _curve of his ass on display_ , Lafayette was considering turning over and trying to fall asleep; they were not prepared for this in any way and the towel was slipping further, revealing more damp freckled skin with beads of water like sparkling sequins-

Lafayette buried their face in their pillow. 

"Mon ami, why are you showering here?" they asked, voice muffled by soft cotton.

"I'm waiting for Herc, he said we're going out," John replied casually, as though he wasn't practically naked and if Lafayette ended up dying from pillow suffocation then John was paying for the entire funeral. "Can I borrow some of your clothes?"

"Uh, sure." 

There was silence other than the soft rustling of clothes. Lafayette didn't dare peek up, too terrified of what they'd find, but their phone was vibrating angrily next to them. After trying, and failing, to ignore it for a couple of minutes, they reached out to grope blindly in the vague direction of their phone, hand hitting the bedside table repeatedly.

After a minute of struggle, Lafayette felt the phone slip into their hand and they looked up in surprise. John's fingers brushed theirs for a second as he smiled, and at least he had jeans on this time but  _he was still shirtless_ mon dieu, they needed to look away before they did something embarrassing like kiss _every single freckle covering the surface of his skin._

Was it legal to be that attractive? 

Lafayette mumbled a thanks, fingers enclosing around the phone casing and flipping themselves over on the bed. They blocked the sound of John going through the drawers as they unlocked their phone and found themselves bombarded with notifications immediately. Alex and Herc were arguing about ducks (Lafayette lost track of the conversation a few messages in and gave up) and in a separate group chat, Eliza, Peggy, Angelica and Herc were planning when to meet up, with Alex occasionally interjecting in the conversation. 

They scanned through the messages before contributing.

_'I'm not doing anything important now, who's up for coffee?'_

It was Eliza who replied first. _'I've got too much work to do now, sorry.'_

_'I'm free! Where do you wanna meet up?'_ Peggy sent only seconds later and Lafayette could feel her enthusiasm through their phone. Their fingers hovered over the keyboard, ready to tap out a response when something occurred to them.

What about George?

They bit their lip, thinking about the last time they had tried to go out and the result. Should they risk it? What if they bumped into George again? And worse, what if George saw them this time? It had happened once and it could very easily happen again. There was no guarantee that George would never revisit the same park they used to walk through before...

Their stomach churned at the thought but they squeezed their eyes shut, willing themself to get a grip. 

They wouldn't let their life be controlled by George. They  _couldn't._ If they didn't go out today, they would never pluck up the courage to, and they would always be held hostage by their fear.

And despite every instinct screaming at him not to, they replied.

_'Meet me at the park, by the bench which mon petit lion puked on after Jefferson's party last month.'_

_'See you in twenty.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted this to include peggy and laf going out but there's so much that's gonna happen?? so i couldn't fit it all in one chapter, hence the short chapter now
> 
> nothing much really happens apart from laf ogling john tbh
> 
> i'm really disappointed with myself, i'm sorryyyy, i promise to do better next time
> 
> [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)


	11. Chapter 11

-THEM-

Twenty minutes later, Lafayette was sitting on the bench, arms wrapped around themself to ward off the cold. The wind whistled loudly in the mostly empty park and their gaze wandered between the bright sky and the towering trees. In the back of their mind was a certain Brit and, trying to ward off the image because they grew too panicked to remain outside (in full view of George, should he walk past, oh god, what if he walked past, _mon dieu),_ they began to hum tunelessly.

A strand of hair fell out of Lafayette's precarious ponytail, too short to be held back by the hair tie and yet long enough to bother them immensely. With their hands wrapped safely in warm gloves and tucked away into their pockets, they found themself blowing desperately in a futile attempt to brush the curl away without removing their hands.

"What are you doing?" a voice behind them asked and Lafayette turned around to grin at Peggy. She was watching him, amused, and Lafayette could see her sceptical gaze even whilst her face was half-buried in the fur of her hood. 

"Hair," they said in explanation, blowing one last time at the strand before giving up. Peggy laughed and tucked it behind their ear. 

The two of them stood up and Lafayette was glad to be moving, even if the movement did little to counter the bitter wind nipping at their skin. 

"We didn't really consider the weather when we decided to go out, did we?" Peggy said dryly. Lafayette suddenly felt sorry for her, seeing her petite frame shiver in the cold. Unwrapping the woolly scarf around their neck (Herc made it for them within weeks of meeting them and now Lafayette wore it whenever possible), they draped it around around her shoulders.

"Thanks," Peggy said immediately, throwing a grateful smile in their direction as she wound it beneath her coat. They walked in silence for a little longer, Peggy stroking the soft material of the scarf and looking at it curiously the entire way.

"What?" Lafayette said finally when Peggy neglected to make conversation for several minutes, too absorbed in the scarf. She looked up, startled. "Why are you staring at it like that?" 

A wicked grin stretched her berry red lips. Peggy was not one to be underestimated and could definitely hold her own, and so Lafayette didn't feel too ashamed when they took a step back cautiously. "What?" 

Peggy didn't say anything for a moment, still smiling. Lafayette watched her, eyes searching for answers amongst her features. They were the only ones in this area of the park and the silence made Lafayette all the more nervous. A leaf fluttered into their face and they jerked away impatiently. 

Finally, after such long anticipation, Peggy shrugged, continuing to walk. "Nothing. Just... Isn't this the scarf that Herc made for you? Like, not even two weeks after meeting you?" 

" _Oui_ ," Lafayette said slowly, still watching Peggy. "Why?" 

She shrugged again. They fell silent for a while more and the only sound was the shrill whistle of the wind and the sounds of their own footsteps on concrete. Lafayette's mind wandered and they mournfully counted the number of assignments and drafts due within the next two weeks. They were halfway through re-wording one of the paragraphs in the assignment for Washington's class when Peggy spoke again. 

"How do you feel about Herc?" Peggy asked suddenly.

Confused, Lafayette glanced at her briefly for some sort of explanation. When she stared resolutely ahead with only the slightest hint of a smirk dancing at her lips, they answered the question. "Well, he's great. He's got the most amazing fashion sense and his pasta is _délicieux_. He's sweet and he goes out of his way to help people. He doodles a lot but he's not very good at drawing anything other than clothing and human figures. He drew a pair of really wonky cherries once and everyone thought he drew balls-"

"Do you like him?" 

Lafayette was now even more confused than before. " _Bien sur_. We're very good friends." 

Peggy sighed so heavily that Lafayette was vaguely surprised that her soul didn't simply leave her body along with the cloudy steam of air that passed her lips. They watched the swirling patterns of her breath before their eyes snapped back to her. She was watching them disappointedly.

"Yeah but do you  _like_  him?" Peggy said, eyebrows rising as she emphasized 'like'. Lafayette felt their cheeks darken and they felt warm, despite the cold weather.

" _Quoi_? I, _non_ , why would you-" they stuttered, avoiding Peggy's gaze. Sometimes (almost all the time, if they were going to be honest), looking Peggy in the eye was dangerous and she would see directly into your soul, draw out all your secrets and display your emotions for everyone to see. They loved her, god, they loved her so much, but she was  _terrifying_. 

Peggy shrugged. "Fine. What about Alex?" When Lafayette was too busy spluttering, she continued. "And John? You might think you're subtle,Marie Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert, but don't think you can hide anything from me." 

Lafayette was about to complain about her use of their full name - who even had time to learn it? - when the weight of the question crashed down on them, stopping them in their tracks.

How did she know?

Lafayette let out a slow breath, eyes trained on the ground they were stepping on. Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot. They had no idea they were so obvious. Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot. How many other people had noticed? _Gauche, droite._ Was it just that Peggy was more observant than most? Or had everyone already figured it out?  _Gauche, droite,_ left, right,  _gauche, droite_ , left, right...

"I do," they said finally. "I like them... All of them." They registered a brief stab of shame. Falling in love with three people at once?  _Mon dieu,_  what would George say? 

They steered their mind firmly away from that thought. It didn't matter what George would or wouldn't say. He was no longer around to control Lafayette's choices. He was no longer around to control Lafayette's  _heart_. 

Peggy was smiling and, if Lafayette wasn't mistaken, there was the faintest hint of pride in the way her eyes crinkled up. "Well, at least you can admit it. That's one step forward, right?" 

Lafayette nodded but said nothing. They had finally reached the new coffee shop that Lafayette had been meaning to introduce to Peggy. It was small and quaint, with tables carved of red-tinted wood and the warm, welcoming aroma of coffee beans beckoning them further. The gentle keys of a piano solo reached their ears and the warmth of the shop was a stark contrast to the bitter cold outside. There was no one inside and, although the door marked the shop 'open', the counter was empty too. It wasn't until they heard a crash from what appeared to be the store room that they entered.

As expected, Peggy's eyes lit up. She pushed the hood off her head, revealing messy hair, and tugged the gloves off her fingers impatiently. "Wow, this place is lovely!"

" _Oui_ ," Lafayette agreed, smiling. "But that's not why I brought you here. Remember that tall girl with the braids you were ogling the past couple of weeks?" 

"Like I could forget," Peggy said mournfully, brushing the surface of the table with a hand as they walked up to the counter. 

"Unfortunately, I couldn't forget either, considering how often you texted me about her," Lafayette grumbled playfully, yelping when her hand, still cold, snuck beneath their coat to pinch their side.

She smirked triumphantly.

"Fine," Lafayette huffed. "If _this_ is the thanks I get for introducing you to her-"

"You're introducing me to her?" she interrupted, eyes glinting in excitement as she gripped the edge of the counter. "I-"

"Sorry," an accented voice said and the two of them turned around to see a dark-skinned girl with almond eyes and long braids that swayed with every slight movement. Lafayette heard Peggy inhale sharply and bit their lip to resist smiling. "I was in the store room, some of the supplies got mixed up," she said apologetically.

" _Coucou_ ," Lafayette said warmly as Adrienne leaned over the counter to press two swift kisses on their cheeks.

"Who's your friend?" Adrienne asked, smiling brightly at Peggy as she brushed a braid off her shoulder. Peggy's mouth opened and closed silently for a second before finally pulling herself together long enough to respond.

"Uh, Peggy," she said, her voice infinitely shyer than when she spoke to anyone else. Lafayette tried not to snort, feeling vaguely sorry for her.

"Adrienne," the other girl replied and, oh, wow, that was  _definitely_ Adrienne's flirty smile, Lafayette had seen her flirt often enough to recognise it. They had better honour Lafayette on their wedding.

The silence stretched on as Peggy and Adrienne stared at each other, both refusing to look away. Lafayette shifted. It felt as thought they were intruding on a private moment.

"Can I get a citrus and ginger tea?" Lafayette asked finally, fingers tapping the counter surface. Adrienne looked startled, as though she had forgotten they were there.

"Sure," she said, recovering quickly. "What would you like, Peggy?" 

Lafayette and Peggy were standing close enough together for Lafayette to register the shudder that rippled through her body at the sound of Adrienne saying her name, even through the layer of Peggy's coat. They ducked their head, hiding a smile.

"Uh, can I have a hot chocolate?" 

Adrienne nodded, full lips stretching into an exquisite smile. "Coming up." 

Lafayette and Peggy sat at the nearest table to the counter, waiting for their orders. After repeated attempts at conversation and Peggy's distraction and constant glances towards Adrienne, Lafayette gave up.

"I didn't bring you here so that you could gawk,  _mon cher_ ," Lafayette pointed, grinning unabashedly when they saw Peggy's cheeks darken as her gaze snapped away from the counter. "You should get her number."

"Whatever," Peggy huffed before quickly changing the subject. "There's something I wanted to tell you."

Lafayette raised an eyebrow, waiting for the follow-up. Peggy looked awkward, almost... nervous. They'd never seen Peggy look nervous before, wasn't aware that she was capable of such an emotion. They placed their hand over hers comfortingly.

"Yes?" they prompted. Peggy inhaled deeply, as though hoping to breath in courage from the air around them. 

"I'm... agender."

A pause.

"Pronouns?" Lafayette said, still processing the information. It was the only question they were capable of forming.  _How long have you known? How did you know? Who have you told? Have you had a 'George' reaction yet? Do I need to fight anyone for you?_

"Xe, xem and xyr," Peggy said before letting out a small giggle. "Oh god, I can't believe I was nervous about telling you. As if  _you'd_ be upset about genderqueer people." 

Lafayette's blood ran cold. What did xe mean by that? Did xe know? And how? How had xe figured out their biggest secret? Who else had figured it out? Were they  _that_ obvious? _Mon dieu_...

Peggy was still talking and Lafayette forced themself to concentrate on the words leaving xyr lips instead of panicking. 

"I mean, you're the sweetest person I know-" here, xe glanced briefly at Adrienne before ripping xyr gaze away. "-and I'd doubt that you'd ever cut ties with someone because of something as significant as  _gender_ , right?" 

Lafayette nodded weakly. Xe didn't know, and if Peggy hadn't figured it out, then no one else would.  Their secret was safe.

"I..." they trailed off. It was impossible to expect a bad reaction from Peggy, considering what xe had just told them, but Lafayette felt hesitant all of a sudden. "I, um, have something to tell you as well."

Peggy was watching them expectedly and, ignoring the erratic beating of their heart and the suddenly sweaty state of their palms, they blurted out, "I'm genderfluid." 

" _Great_ ," Peggy said immediately, looking surprised but excited. "We can be genderqueer buddies!"

Lafayette laughed, the sort of nervous laughter after almost skipping a step and falling to your doom. Five people. They had come out to five people. Four out of five was a pretty good ratio of accepting his gender. The majority were okay with their identity, so why did they care so much about the one-fifth? 

"So what pronouns do you use?" Peggy asked and Lafayette returned their attention to the conversation.

"They and them right now, but sometimes I use he and him," they shrugged. "It changes pretty often but I think I spend more time as a 'them' than a 'him."

"So... I'll ask whenever we meet up? About which pronouns you're using that day?" Lafayette nodded, feeling a faint flutter of relief in their chest. It was the first time someone had understood, the first time they didn't need to explain it.

"I'm not..." they said suddenly, realising they needed to point out an important fact. But that would lead to the inevitable question and then the conversation would turn to George... It didn't matter. It was something Peggy needed to know. "I'm not out. So I need you to... what's the word? Ungender?"

"Misgender?" Peggy offered and Lafayette nodded. They'd been in the country for so long and they still hadn't mastered the language. How embarrassing. What would George say if he heard-

"That's fine," Peggy reassured them. "Would you mind doing the same for me? I've only told Angelica and Eliza and I wanna take my time coming out." 

" _D'accord_ ," Lafayette smiled just as Adrienne called them up for their orders. Peggy stood up and glanced quizzically when Lafayette grabbed xyr sleeve, smirking.

"Don't come back until you get her number," Lafayette warned and, seeing the dark flush that covered xyr cheeks, they laughed. Peggy's hesitation towards Adrienne was refreshing and although they would never call xem adorable to xyr face, they couldn't help but smile fondly as they watched Adrienne and Peggy chat. 

When Peggy returned to the table with their drinks, xe had a small piece of paper with a number scrawled in loopy handwriting.

* * *

 

The weather was slightly warmer when they left the coffee shop and Lafayette felt brave enough to remove their hands from their pockets without fear of frozen fingers falling off. They chatted idly as they walked through the park, catching up on all the recent gossip (Peggy heard everything about everyone). 

Peggy was telling them about Jefferson and Madison's latest argument (Lafayette made a note to scold Thomas for mistreating his boyfriend) when xe stopped talking suddenly, squinting into the distance.

"What is it?" Lafayette asked curiously. There was nothing notable in sight, just trees and grass and concrete and a couple standing several feet away. One had their back facing them but the other looked vaguely familiar, with sandy hair, a button nose and a distinctive red beanie that Lafayette saw often around campus.

"Isn't that Samuel Seabury?" Peggy asked, nudging Lafayette's side.

" _That's_ Samuel Seabury?" Lafayette asked, surprised. Seabury was somewhat famous on campus after Alex's famous outburst towards him. A video had circulated social media and Lafayette had watched it, but whoever had filmed it had focused the camera on Alex's face and not the victim of the outburst. 

"I'm pretty sure it is," Peggy confirmed, a frown tugging at xyr lips. "Why does he look so miserable? I've never seen him look anything other than smug." 

As they walked closer, they heard what appeared to be an argument. Out of politeness and a wish to respect privacy - even the privacy of a bigoted  _débile_ \- but Peggy took their elbow and steered them slightly closer to hear the angry words that were being spouted.

"You fucking slut-" a voice said before the cracking sound of skin-on-skin reached their ears. Peggy gasped, horrified, but Lafayette felt like too shocked to look at xyr. 

That voice... They would never forget that voice. They would never forget those words, directed to them the way it was directed to Seabury just now. They would never forget, they  _couldn't_ forget, they would do anything to forget but they  _couldn't_ , they couldn't, the content of their stomach rebelled, they couldn't forget, they could taste the tea they had drank in the back of their mouth-  _you fucking slut_ \- oh god, they were going to be sick-

"I think I'm gonna vomit," Lafayette murmured, swaying on the spot. 

"I know, right? How  _disgusting_ , what an utter dickbag-"

"No, I'm actually gonna vomit," Lafayette whimpered, interrupting Peggy's rant. Before xe could respond, they doubled over and began to puke on the grass. Their nose was stinging and they could taste bile and acid and tea, it was disgusting, it was  _humiliating_ , but Peggy's hand was on their back, rubbing it soothingly as they emptied their stomach.

When they straightened up, exhausted and drained, Seabury was watching them, eyes empty and face blank. It was an expression that Lafayette knew all too well, and seeing it on another's face made them feel nauseous again. 

But that wasn't what bothered them the most. 

George was watching them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so fucking ill wowwww feverrrr headacheeee yikes i hate life
> 
> chapter slightly longer than usual oops no apologies i'm not sorry
> 
> listennnnn i just love agender!peggy okayyyyyy
> 
> a lot of the stuff about the schuyler siblings in this fic are stolen from my other fic, someone looking pretty, including theodosia burr being the cute barista yayyy
> 
> [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com) is my tumblr


	12. Chapter 12

-THEM-

Lafayette was sitting in an alley. They had no idea how they had gotten there or when - all they knew was that they were surrounded by rubbish and they had been sitting there for a while. They stared blankly as an empty wrapper flew in the wind before hitting a wall and sliding to the floor. 

The smell was overwhelming. It stank and, maybe in any other circumstance, Lafayette would have wrinkled their nose and tried to leave as soon as possible. But the smell barely affected them now. It was getting dark and Lafayette began to shiver, wrapping their arms around themself. They knew they needed to go, they knew they should go back before Herc, John and Alex began to worry. They knew they should text Peggy to let xem know that they were okay.

They didn't move. 

A rat scuttled across the trashed floor and Lafayette watched it, feeling something vague stir in their heart - disgust?

"Laf!" 

They looked up, startled, to see a breathless Peggy at the opening of the alley. Xyr hair was a mess, strands defying all order and xe looked frantic as xe stepped over puddles and trash to stand next to them.

"Laf, are you okay?" xe asked, voice softer as the panic bled out of xyr body language. Peggy crouched down next to them, lifting a hand to entangle itself in their curls and Lafayette almost purred when they felt xem scratching their head lightly. The gesture reminded them of Herc and Alex and John, and just the reminder of their existence was beginning to help calm them down.

"Fine," they smiled weakly. When Peggy looked sceptical, they stood up and began to brush dirt and dust off their clothes. "I'm _fine_ ," they repeated.

"You don't look it," Peggy argued. Thankfully, xe dropped the matter, taking Lafayette's arm in xyr delicate hands and tugging them lightly. "Come on, let's head back. The boys will wonder where you are."

Lafayette's mind flashed back to Herc, all broad shoulders and warm smiles, John, with a million freckles and soft touches, Alex, with his bright eyes and endless blabber. God, they loved them, they loved them all, and suddenly, Lafayette found themself yearning for them to be here to comfort them.

"Laf?"

"Yeah, let's go," they said quickly before Peggy began to push the issue. "Um, what happened to George?"

Peggy gave them a look that was a little too knowing for their comfort. "Kicked him in the balls when he tried to chase you. He's probably still crying about it now." 

Lafayette blinked, opened their mouth, closed it again and frowned. "You... you kicked him? In the balls?"

"Yes I did," Peggy said defiantly, crossing xyr arms and glaring at nothing in particular as they began to walk back to the dorms. "He deserved it."  

Lafayette bit their lip, a slow grin curling on their face. Soon, laughter began to bubble up from their chest and they felt all their burdens lift off as they doubled over, laughing until tears streamed down their face. Peggy cracked a grin after a moment and, when Lafayette almost ended up walking into a lamppost, began to giggle.

  
The two of them made their way back to the dorms, laughing and shaking off the encounter. 

* * *

 -HIM-

Alex knew.

Lafayette knew Alex knew and Alex probably knew that Lafayette knew that he know. He'd been acting strange, fussing over him and constantly asking if he was okay, complete with a nervous lip bite (which was sexier than it was _allowed_ to be) and a comforting hand on his shoulder, his thigh, his arm.

Peggy had probably told him. The idea of them talking about him, talking about _George,_ should have made him uncomfortable but, strangely, he wasn't bothered. He liked that they cared.

Though he could do without Alex acting like a mother hen.

"You're _sure_ you're okay?" Alex asked for the billionth time. The only thing that stopped Lafayette snapping at him was the genuinely upset look on his face.

"I'm fine, mon ami," Lafayette reassured him **.** **"** Have you eaten?"

Alex said nothing but the way he glanced away guiltily spoke volumes. It was adorable, honestly, seeing Alex attempt to take care of someone even when he was forgetting to take care of himself. Lafayette pushed away the endearing fondness that swelled his heart and began to stand.

"Wanna cook or shall we order something?"

"Herc is coming back in a couple of minutes and he's been craving Indian for ages," Alex pointed out. Lafayette let out a small laugh.

"You're just saying that because you're too lazy to cook," Lafayette teased. Alex shrugged easily, a slow grin furling his lips.

"I'm not going to deny it."

Lafayette glanced back at Alex and felt his breath leave his lungs. Alex was sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning back as his elbows kept him propped up. His legs were spread open slightly and Lafayette felt his gaze drop to the other boy's crotch before snapping away.

Mon dieu, what was he doing? This was his _best_ _friend_ and Lafayette was dishonouring their friendship by ogling at every given opportunity. It was disgusting. _He_ was disgusting.

"Laf?"

"Hm?" Lafayette said, startled. Alex was watching him curiously, olive skin glowing in the afternoon glow from the window. Lafayette swallowed heavily. God, he hated how much he was attracted to Alex. Why couldn't he have ugly friends?

"You looked... distant," Alex said hesitantly before adding a cautious, "You okay? Peggy told me what happened."

"Of course she did," Lafayette said with a wry laugh, ignoring the twinge of discomfort that came from misgendering xem. He imagined the two of them, huddled together and talking about how _pathetic_ Lafayette was, how weak, how easy it was to rile him up and break him. Suddenly, the idea of Peggy and Alex talking about him behind is back wasn't so endearing. "I'm fine, I swear. There's nothing to worry about."

Alex looked sceptical, sitting up properly on the bed to squint at Lafayette. His gaze was sharp, too sharp, too perceptive, and suddenly Lafayette felt uncomfortable, his mind flashing back to the way George would stare at him, eyes sharp and as dangerous as laser beams.

"Are you _sure-_ _"_

"Merde, I said I'm fine, stop pushing it," Lafayette snapped. Alex looked taken back, freezing in place as he stared, wide-eyed and hurt, at Lafayette.

"Jesus, I was just askin-"

"Well, how about you _stop_ asking? I'm not a child, I don't need you to fuss over me," Lafayette said sharply. Why was he snapping at Alex? Guilt churned his stomach until he felt like he was going to be sick and yet still, he couldn't stop. All the frustrations, all the hurt, all the insecurities and guilt and shame came pouring out of him, concentrated directly at his innocent Alex.

"I-"

"You're not a mother, so stop acting like one. The irony of being fussed over by the one person who needs someone watching over him at all times! You can't even remember to  _eat_ without us and yet you think you have the right to care for us?"

Alex's eyes, previously wide and vulnerable, became hard. His lips pursed and Lafayette couldn't tell if he was angry or trying not to cry. He wished, god, he wished he could take back all the words, wished he could hug him and apologise and kiss him and make him feel better. He  _hated_ being the reason that Alex looked like that.

He couldn't stop.

"What, exactly, do you contribute to this friendship?"

Alex took a sharp inhale. It was the only sound in the room, apart from Lafayette's heavy breathing. A single tear slipped down Alex's cheek, glistening in the light, and Lafayette felt his heart break when he saw it. Alex's breath was shaky and his hands, entangled in the covers of the bed, were noticeably quivering.

"Alex, I'm sorr-"

Alex stood up, walking straight past Lafayette without so much as a glance, tears now streaming silently down his face. Lafayette's hands itched to grab him, to stop him and apologise.

He didn't move.

He heard the tail end of a sob before the door slammed. Stunned and sick with shame, Lafayette stared at the wall and wondered what was wrong with him. Why had he said that? He had spent so long reassuring Alex that he wasn't a burden, that it was okay to depend on his friends sometimes, and he'd gone and reversed all the progress the Creole boy had made. All because he felt slightly off after meeting George.

Lafayette wondered if he was going to vomit - he certainly felt like it. And yet he couldn't find the energy to move to the bathroom and he crumbled to the floor, knees giving up on him. 

"Je suis désolé," he mumbled, burying his face in his hands. "Je suis désolé, je suis désolé, je suis d-"

The taste of salty tears filled his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!! I updated last week but I feel like I haven't updated in ages?
> 
> Also, I'm going to be doing a bunch of theo/angie/lucy fics (aka second generation of hamilton - lucy is jefferson's daughter) so if you have any requests for that, lemme know
> 
> I love pain
> 
> I'm on tumblr as [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)


	13. Chapter 13

-HIM-

It could have been minutes that passed, it could have been hours. All Lafayette knew was that, after an indeterminable amount of time, John found Lafayette curled up in the corner of the room like a cat, folding himself into as tight a ball as his long limbs would allow.

“Laf?” he called gently.

Lafayette sniffled but didn’t respond. He didn’t want John near him. What if Lafayette attacked him too? What if Lafayette ended up attacking everyone he loved? Did he deserve friends if all he was going to do was hurt them? He was just as bad as George, oh god, he was just as ba-

“Laf, can I touch you?”

Lafayette startled; John’s voice had come from behind him and he had no idea when the other boy had moved closer. Still, he didn’t reply to John’s question. He wanted to be held, god, he wanted to feel John’s warmth more than anything, but he didn’t deserve it, he didn’t deserve _him_ , and he couldn’t bring himself to tell John to leave but couldn’t stand the thought of being coddled when he deserved it the least.

John took his silence as a ‘no’. Lafayette didn’t know if he was disappointed or not.

Instead, John manoeuvred himself so that he was in front of Lafayette, directly in his line of sight. Lafayette dropped his gaze to avoid looking at John’s sympathetic eyes. He wouldn’t be as nice when he found out what Lafayette did…

“Can you look at me?” John asked gently. Lafayette didn’t want to, didn’t want to see, but felt his eyes raise themselves to hesitantly watch John, body tensed as though preparing for a blow.

He knew John wouldn’t hurt him, but part of him wished he would. He wished John would hit him, scream at him, call him names, _punish_ him, if only so that Lafayette would finally reach his peace of mind.

“What happened?” John’s voice was soft, too soft, too kind, and a part of Lafayette yearned for George’s sharp tone, to be taken down a peg, to be shown his position. George would have punished Lafayette by now. George would have-

Lafayette whimpered, burying his face in his knees. He felt his eyes fill with unshed tears which he tried, futilely, to blink away. He didn’t deserve to cry. He had nothing to cry about. Was Alex crying? Lafayette imagined the small boy, sobbing alon-

He whimpered again. He didn’t deserve to cry. Alex did.

“Lafayette,” John said pleadingly and Lafayette’s heart cracked. First he hurt Alex and now he was upsetting John too? What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he make his friends happy?

“I hurt Alex,” Lafayette whispered finally. He was too scared to look up and discern John’s reaction but the sharp intake of breath told him enough. He flinched, ready to be hit or screamed at. He had made John angry, he made John angry, his beautiful freckled John, angry, at _him_ -

“Can I touch you?” John asked again. His voice was even softer now. Lafayette puzzled over it. Was John asking for permission to beat him up? He didn’t need permission, he was allowed to hit him whenever he wanted.

Lafayette nodded silently, tensing every muscle in his body. He screwed his eyes shut, waiting for John to move. Sometimes, when George was beating him, he’d make him wear a blindfold, leaving him completely at the mercy of the other male, unable to anticipate when and where the next blow was going to come. Now, with John in front of him, his mind drifted back to George’s sessions before pulling himself together. This was _John_ ’s punishment for him; he shouldn’t think of-

Lithe arms wrapped themselves around Lafayette’s slender frame. He froze for a second, convinced that John was going to hit him at any moment but, when John did nothing but hold him, began to relax.

“You’re… not going to hit me?” Lafayette asked cautiously, still refusing to look at John. He felt a huff of breath on his neck, tickling the lobe of his ear.

“Did you think I was going to hit you?” John asked. Lafayette didn’t reply - what if he offended John with the truth? But even with his lips firmly sealed shut, John seemed to know the answer.

“Oh god, you did, didn’t you? Laf, I would never, _ever_ hit you, regardless of what happens, okay?”

Lafayette didn’t deserve comfort, Lafayette didn’t deserve comfort, Lafayette didn’t deserve comfor-

“Okay,” he said quietly. “I… Where’s Alex?”

John shifted slightly, tilting Lafayette’s chin up with a finger to finally meet his gaze. Once looking into those hazel-green eyes, Lafayette couldn’t look away.

“Do you want to talk to him? Work through what happened?”

Lafayette wanted to apologise, but a ‘sorry’ wouldn’t be enough, he had _hurt_ Alex, he deserved more than an apology, and-

“I don’t think he wants to see me,” Lafayette pointed out, bowing his head in shame. What if Alex never wanted to speak to Lafayette again? Not that he could blame him. Lafayette was just as bad as George and Alex had made it clear how much he _hated_ George, so that must mean he hated Lafayette too.

“I doubt it,” John said firmly, rubbing light circles into his back. “Do you want me to text him and see if he's alright to talk?”

‘ _He's not going to want to talk,’_ a voice said viciously at the back of his mind. _‘Why would he want to see you? All you do is hurt him, why would he keep going back to someone who hurts him? He's smarter than you, he wouldn't run back like you ran back to George…’_

“Would you?” Lafayette mumbled instead. The voice sounded too much like George and he wasn't going to listen, not anymore.

John smiled. “Of course,” he said immediately. With one arm still around Lafayette, he pulled out his phone from his back pocket, unlocking it singlehandedly and beginning to type.

Rather than worrying himself over Alex's response - which sounded like an inviting option - Lafayette began to focus on his breathing.

Deep breath in, deep breath out. In from the nose, out from his mouth. John’s arm was still around his shoulders protectively and he leaned into the warmth, embracing the comforting weight.

John's phone pinged with a notification and Lafayette bit his lip.

“Is that him?” he asked, so quietly that he wondered if John heard him at all. But John had and he nodded.

“He said... well, do you wanna read it for yourself? It's positive, I promise.”

Lafayette didn't want to read it, didn't want to see how badly he had hurt Alex. But he didn't think he could last any longer without knowing whether or not Alex loathed his very being. Taking the phone with shaking hands, he began to read the replies.

‘ _ye_ _ah, i'll talk to him'_

_‘is he upset?’_

_‘oh god, he's probably really upset'_

_‘tell him it's fine, i'm not mad or upset or anything'_

_‘please calm him down if he's upset'_

Alex wasn't angry. Lafayette couldn't even describe the number of emotions that welled up at this knowledge. Alex wasn't angry. Alex didn't hate him.

All the tears that, until that moment, had remained unshed came pouring down his cheeks. His body shook with the weight of his sobs. All he could focus on was the feeling of John's arms around him, the lips that brushed his temple, and the fact that _Alex didn't hate him_.

“It's okay,” John murmured into Lafayette's hair. “It's gonna be okay.”

Lafayette continued to sob in relief and John's shirt slowly soaked with his tears. John's arms tightened even more and Lafayette felt _safe,_ as John pressed another kiss to his temple.

“It's gonna be okay,” John repeated.

For now, Lafayette believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can we thank [caprisunning](http://www.caprisunning.tumblr.com) because her enthusiasm makes me smile ily
> 
> i know i haven't updated recently BUT hopefully more chapters? since school's closed for the next two weeks
> 
> my tumblr is [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)


	14. Chapter 14

-HIM-

Alex was knocking on the door.

Logically, Lafayette knew that Alex wasn't angry. He had told him, just minutes ago, to not panic, to calm down. But even so, he felt his breath speed up, his heart thumping wildly in his chest as he clutched John's arm, suddenly terrified.

“You want me to get the door?” John asked gently. God bless John and his overabundance of patience. How many people were willing to sit and baby Lafayette when he was being overdramatic?

Lafayette nodded silently, reluctantly relinquishing his grip and watching him as he stood. With his back mostly to the door, Lafayette couldn't see them but could hear their hushed conversation.

He exhaled slowly. He was being irrational. Alex had already told him he wasn't angry. So why was he still breathless with fear? He bit his lip until the taste of blood flooded his mouth. The pain distracted him, even if only for a second.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he startled.

“Shit, sorry,” Alex apologised, sitting opposite Lafayette. “I didn't mean to scare you.”

Lafayette watched the smaller male for a moment. His dark under-eye circles made his red, puffy eyes stand out. His hair was a mess, half of the strands falling out of his loose ponytail. It was the hoodie, Lafayette decided. Alex always tried to hide his face when he was crying and it always messed up his hair.

“I'm sorry,” Lafayette blurted. It was Alex's turn to look startled now. “I shouldn't have said _any_ of those things, it wasn't true and it wasn't necessary. I'm sorry, I really am, I-

“Laf, calm down,” Alex said, placing his hand over Lafayette's thigh. His hand was small, almost _delicate_ , perfect for hand-holding, not that that had anything to do with Lafayette.

“I know you're sorry and I know you didn't mean it. I forgive you,” Alex said firmly. “Okay?”

“I hurt you!” Lafayette argued, voice cracking as he increased pitch. “I made you cry!”

Alex hesitated. “You did,” he admitted finally. “But I know you didn't mean what you said.”

“I didn't,” Lafayette agreed, mumbling so quietly that he wasn't sure if Alex heard him at all. Closing his eyes, his head leaning to the left so as to rest his temple against the wall. “I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it.”

He felt a heavy weight in his lap and he opened his eyes to Alex crawling onto him and curling himself up like a cat. With a weak laugh, Lafayette wrapped his arms around Alex's small frame and buried his nose in his hair.

It was going to be okay.

* * *

When Herc and John entered the room, they found Lafayette and Alex curled in the corner of the room, entangled in each other and snoring lightly. It was, to say the least, a beautiful picture and neither could resist snapping a picture on their phones.

“Should we wake them up?” Herc asked as Alex sniffled in his sleep.

“Probably,” John agreed. A fond grin threatened to split his face as he watched Herc slowly approach the two males and shake them awake.

“Hey,” he said, smiling as the two of them blinked blearily against the artificial light of the room. “We're having a movie night at Angelica's place.”

Alex stumbled unsteadily to his feet, almost tripping over Lafayette's legs. John reached out quickly to stop him from falling, arms wrapping themselves around Alex's waist.

Lafayette noted the blush that darkened both their cheeks.

“Pronouns, Laf?” Herc asked, running a hand through his/their hair. Lafayette shrugged, keening under the gentle touch.

“You don't… know?” Herc asked, sounding confused. Lafayette looked up at him and stifled a smile at the bewildered expression currently sporting his face.

“I just woke up, mon ami,” Lafayette said amused. “Give me time.”

Herc nodded, still looking unsure. Lafayette rubbed his/their eyes, arching their back relentlessly until it made a satisfying ‘crack’ noise. He/they stood up, making his/their way to the closet for a set of clothes that weren't jeans and an old hoodie.

“They,” Lafayette announced upon opening the closet door, their eye falling immediately on the clothes they had forgotten to return to Angelica after their make-up session.

“Pronouns?” Alex clarified. Lafayette nodded, turning to look at Alex just as he walked into a closed door. Their mouth fell open when they heard the loud thump of skin meeting concrete.

“Oh my god,” Herc said, horrified. All three of them were surrounding Alex within seconds, fussing over him and touching his forehead with gentle, fluttering fingers.

“I'm fine,” Alex grumbled but his words were drowned under John's lecture about concussions and head injuries.

“Merde, Alex,” Lafayette murmured, trying to feel for a bruise only to find his hands swatted away by the small (but underestimated in strength) immigrant.

“Guys,” he said exasperatedly, batting away Herc's hands. “It's a wall. I'm not going to die.”

“You could,” John said morosely and Herc punched him lightly.

“Ever the ray of sunshine, our John,” Herc joked. “We're leaving in ten. Alex, if you have a headache, feel dizzy, _anything_ -”

“I'll tell you,” Alex interrupted. “Yeah, yeah, I know the drill.”

Alex, Lafayette mused, spent far too much time walking into painfully solid objects. He barely functioned in mornings without his coffee, he spent a large percentage of his time half-asleep on his feet because he refused to go to bed and, when he got too passionate about a cause, he wouldn't notice a lamppost until it was too late. Frankly, it was a miracle he hadn't ended up with a concussion.

Lafayette returned their attention to the closet. Now was the perfect opportunity to return Angelica's clothes but they found themself unwilling to part with them, especially since they hadn't tried them on yet. How were they supposed to return it without everyone else seeing? Would Angelica ask them about it? Of course she would.

With a resolved sigh, they shoved the skirts and dresses further back into the closet. Instead, they picked out a pair of ripped acid-washed jeans and a hoodie with the American flag emblazoned across the front.

When they emerged with said articles of clothing draped over their arm, John covered his mouth in a futile attempt to stifle his giggles.

“You don't want Herc seeing you wearing that,” John pointed out, lifting the sleeve of the hoodie with a grin. “He's been looking for it for _ages_ and he promised to fight the person who stole it.”

“...Oops?” Lafayette offered sheepishly. “But it's a comfy hoodie and I do not regret borrowing it.”

“Stealing,” John corrected.

“Borrowing,” Lafayette insisted. “I'll return it. Eventually. Maybe.”

It was at that exact moment that Herc re-entered. Upon seeing Lafayette in his hoodie, he froze, mouth falling open and his eyes wandering up and down their figure. Lafayette closed their eyes, waiting for the outburst as they bit back a grin.

“You look good.”

Lafayette’s eyes snapped open again. That… wasn't what they had been expecting. Beside them, John made a small noise of surprise. They knew Herc wouldn’t _truly_ get angry over a hoodie but they had been preparing themself for the light-hearted banter that followed whenever the four of them stole something from another.

Herc’s gaze was… too intense. His eyes were too heavy, too _interested_ , and Lafayette glanced down at themself, trying to see from Herc’s eyes. They didn’t look majorly different. The hoodie was rather big on them, hanging loosely off their frame and making them look smaller. Other than that…

Herc was still watching them. Lafayette fought a blush, trying desperately to keep their cheeks their normal colour as Herc stepped closer, brushing his fingers against the soft, warm fabric.

“I’m keeping it,” Lafayette joked, trying to draw out the reaction they had been expecting. Herc should be laughing, jokingly demanding it back, making empty threats to burn their wardrobe. Not watching them with that gaze that made Lafayette want to fidget.

“You should,” Herc said seriously. “It suits you.”

Lafayette glanced at John helplessly, only to find the South Carolinian male smiling strangely. He shrugged. “You _do_ look good in it,” John offered, glancing up and down Lafayette’s body dramatically and smirking.

“I look good in anything,” Lafayette said loftily, walking across the room to pick up their bag before they did something embarrassing. Like kissing Herc. Or kissing John.

But then Alex returned and Lafayette was seriously kissing him too.

“What the hell?” John choked as Herc howled with laughter. Lafayette stared in disbelief at the small male, who was currently donning a tiger onesie and crossing his arms triumphantly.

“Are you actually wearing that across campus?” Herc asked between his badly-muffled laughter.

“Why can’t I?” Alex said defensively, wrapping his arms around his waist and staring at them with the stubborn expression that looked out of place in the tiger costume.

“Because it’s several sizes too large?” Lafayette offered, covering their mouth as they began to smile. It was true: the onesie looked like it had been designed for someone of their of Herc’s stature and completely drowned Alex out. It was, frankly, adorable.

“I’m going in this and that’s final,” Alex said firmly.

It took them ten minutes just to fit his shoes comfortably over the feet of the onesie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm living for alex's cute onesies and laf stealing herc's hoodies okay 
> 
> also, alex curled up in laf's lap and both of them falling asleep there, can we just asdfghjkl
> 
> my tumblr is [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have changed my pronouns! i'm now using they/them!!

-THEM-

Lafayette was wearing makeup.

They had insisted on it, had said they looked a mess after the crying session. Alex, Herc and John had gently supported them as they brushed powder onto their cheeks. It was nothing dramatic; some foundation, a bit of concealer, contouring and a hint of eyeliner. But they felt simultaneously elated and terrified.

Who else was going to be at Angelica’s place? Apart from Lafayette, Herc, Alex and John, the usual attendees were the Schuyler sisters, Jefferson and Madison. That was… okay. Mostly. They had never had the chance to hear James’ opinions on the LGBTQ+ community.

As for Thomas… well. Lafayette and Thomas were friends but Lafayette wasn’t entirely sure how much longer than would last. Thomas was someone who was extremely careful with their reputation and wouldn’t hesitate to cut ties with anyone who tarnished it. Would he want to be seen with Lafayette if he knew that they wore makeup and guessed, like Aaron, that maybe Lafayette wasn’t as male as people thought they were?

Lafayette took a deep breath, their exhale producing a cloud of misty air in the chilly temperatures. They stuffed their hands into the pockets of the hoodie. It wasn't as warm as a coat would have been, but the soft fabric and the lingering smell of Herc's cologne was comforting enough that they were willing to brave low temperatures for it.

Alex and Herc were currently raiding the store for snacks and, although the streets were mostly empty, they still received a few strange looks courtesy of Alex’s outfit. To his credit, Alex continued to insist that onesies were perfectly acceptable clothing to go out in, and would glare fiercely at anyone who stared too long.

They felt a hand on the small of their back and they turned around to see John watching him concernedly.

“We don't have to go, if you don't wanna,” he offered. Lafayette smiled but shook their head.

“I want to do this,” they said quietly. They _did_. They wanted to build up the courage to start wearing makeup out without panicking and if that meant starting small, then so be it.

John nodded and the hand on their back slid so that he was hugging Lafayette tightly from behind, his nose buried in their back. “You're gonna get pneumonia.”

It was worth it to wear Herc's clothing, Lafayette thought privately but they said nothing, instead unwinding John's hand from their waist and intertwining their fingers.

“Thank you,” they said.

John's gaze flickered down to their linked hands, a single eyebrow raised. Lafayette yanked their hand away as though they had been burned, cheeks hot with embarrassment. They glanced away, determinedly staring at the shop window instead of meeting John's gaze.

“Hey, Laf-”

“Forget it,” they said quickly and, when they glanced at John, saw that his own cheeks were suspiciously dark. Great, now they had embarrassed John with their inappropriate advances. How fucking fantastic.

It was at that moment that Herc and Alex exited the corner shop, plastic bags laden with junk food. Alex was now wearing Herc’s beanie and he grinned brightly as the soft, woollen material fell into his eyes.

“You look like a child,” John pointed out. Alex smirked unabashedly.

“I _am_ a child,” he countered.

Herc clapped his hands loudly, getting the attention of the other three. “Alright, can we get going? It's _freezing_.”

* * *

“Mon cher,” Lafayette said delightedly as Angelica opened the door, dressed in a loose white t-shirt and sweatpants. “How are you?”

“No alcohol,” she said immediately. “We’re not getting drunk, we’re going to watch a movie properly, for once in our fucking lives.”

“I’m fine, thanks for asking,” Lafayette mumbled under their breath as she ushered them in, earning an inelegant snort from Herc.

Thomas was already there, sprawled gracefully across the couch with his feet propped up against the armrest as he scrolled through his phone. James was, surprisingly, absent; he and Thomas usually arrived together and neither bothered attending if the other wasn’t there. Alex shot a dirty look at Thomas - most likely due to the amount of space he was taking up - and settled on the floor, back resting against the couch. John sat next to him, arm resting casually around Alex’s shoulder. Herc sat on Alex’s other side and Lafayette pushed Thomas’ feet away to sit on the corner of the couch.

“Bonsoir, Thomas,” they smiled. “Thank you so much for leaving space for everyone else on the couch, it’s very considerate of you.”  Thomas finally looked up, flashing a brief grin.

“I _am_ generally a considerate person,” Thomas agreed. Alex gave a disdainful snort and Thomas opened his mouth to argue with him before blinking confusedly.

“What the _hell_ are you wearing, man?”

“It’s called,” Alex said snottily, refusing to even look at Thomas. “A onesie. Perhaps you’ve heard of it?”

Thomas looked incredulously between Alex’s choice in clothing and Lafayette, mouthing ‘is he serious?’. Lafayette smothered a laugh and nodded.

“Got a problem, Thomas?”

“Yeah, I’ve got a problem,” Thomas said indignantly, sitting up to take in Alex’s onesie fully.. “You’re wearing a fucking tiger outfit. That’s a damn problem.”

“Well, unless you’re going to be paying for my fucking shopping, then I don’t see how it concerns you-”

“It concerns me when you give me _eye cancer_ , you fucking b-”

“Can we calm the fuck down?” Angelica said, sounding disgruntled as she entered the living room with her laptop tucked into her arm. “Alex, your onesie makes you look like a three year old. Thomas, it’s none of your fucking business. Argument over, I give you permission to shut up.”

“Well, _I_ think it’s cute,” a voice said and Lafayette twisted on the couch to see Peggy grinning at the doorway.

“Pegs!” they called excitedly, beckoning xyr closer. Xe bounded over to the couch, sitting on Thomas’ legs (Alex snorted when he heard Thomas’ less-than-elegant yelp).

“What the _hell_ , Peggy?” Thomas scowled. Xe shrugged unapologetically.

“Stop taking up so much space and I wouldn’t have to sit on you,” xe offered and he rolled his eyes, finally removing both his legs from the couch. Peggy curled up against Lafayette’s side, burying xyr face in their shoulder, and Herc’s head was resting against Lafayette’s legs. Despite the small space, it was _comfortable_ to have all their friends cuddled up together (apart from Thomas, who, without James, resorted to hugging a cushion).

“I wanna come out,” Peggy murmured in Lafayette’s ear. They raised a surprised eyebrow.

“Now?”

Xe nodded.

“If you feel comfortable with it, go ahead,” Lafayette whispered back. “For the record, we know that Angelica, Eliza, Alex, Herc and John are okay with it. Really, it’s only Thomas we’re not sure of, right?”

Xe nodded again. “I don’t know why I’m scared, but I am.”

Lafayette smiled sympathetically, wrapping their arms around Peggy’s slender frame. “It’s okay to be scared.”

They watched Herc and John argue over which film to watch for a while. John was insisting that they watch Hercules with a wide, shit-eating grin, and Herc was refusing adamantly, saying that perhaps, for once, they should watch something that _wasn’t_ animated.

“You really love them, huh?” Peggy said gently. Lafayette flushed, realising that they had been staring at the three boys.

“I…” they trailed off, unsure of what to say. “I think I fucked up with John.”

“ _What_?”

“I don’t _know_ ,” Lafayette moaned quietly. “He was comforting me because I was a little nervous about wearing makeup out-”

“-it looks fantastic, by the way-”

“Thanks. But then I held his hand and I think I might have creeped him out so I let go, but I let go too _quickly_ , it was so _obvious_ , mon deiu, and he looked really embarrassed and I think I might have made him uncomfortable-”

“Hey,” Peggy interrupted firmly. “You know what I’m going to tell you to do, right?”

Lafayette sighed. “Talk to him?”

Xe grinned brightly, nodding. “Yep. And for the record, I’m really proud of you for wearing makeup. It might seem like a small step but…” xe trailed off, shrugging.

“It’s a start,” Lafayette completed. “Merci.”

“No problem.” Xe raised her voice. “Guys, I have an announcement to make.”

Everyone’s eyes were on xem within seconds and, even though they weren’t the target of such intense stares, Lafayette found themself shifting uneasily. They felt Peggy tense apprehensively beside them and they tightened their arms around xem.

“I, uh,” xe glanced at Lafayette desperately. Unsure of what to say and unwilling to intrude in xyr moment, they nodded as supportively as they could. “I’m agender. I use xe/xem pronouns.”

There was a moment of silence where Lafayette could have sworn they could hear their own heartbeat.

“That’s fine,” Herc said, his voice low and comforting. His smile was gentle and, even when not directed to them, Lafayette wanted to melt at the beautiful site. Next to him, Alex was nodding so hard that the beanie slipped and fell into their face again.

They couldn’t look at John.

Instead, their gaze flickered immediately to Thomas, whose brow was furrowed in thought. Peggy was watching him tentatively too and, across the room, Angelica was glaring ferociously as she waited for his response.

Thomas opened his mouth. It felt like the entire room had their hackles raised.

“If ‘xe’ is like ‘he’ and ‘she’, and ‘xem’ is like ‘him’ or ‘her’, then how do you say the possessive ‘his’ or ‘her’?”

Lafayette relaxed, biting back a sigh of relief.

“Xyr,” Peggy told him and the small smile that stretched xyr lips told them that xe was just as relieved as they were.

“Does that mean we can watch the movie now?” Lafayette said when the silence stretched until it was borderline awkward. Angelica nodded and, with that, the complicated discussion was left behind and they abandoned the topic for the world of Jedi and hot stormtroopers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who finally updated after fucking centuries lmao
> 
> i kinda wish i had written about laf figuring out his pronouns because now that i've experienced it for myself, it's such an /amazing/ feeling honestly
> 
> also, i should point out that i have never been in an abusive ROMANTIC relationship. as such, i'm not 100% on how much of my own experiences are interchangeable with lafayette's, but i have a feeling it's pretty similar
> 
> \+ i wanna write some bensnavi fics, but i also wanna write some poly hamilsquad fluffy oneshots but i also haven't updated someone looking pretty and subtle as a train wreck soooooo idk what i'm gonna do 
> 
> [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com) is my tumblr side blog but my main blog is an ask blog aka [ask-agender-georges-lafayette](http://www.ask-agender-georges-lafayette.tumblr.com), follow whichever


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally, happy times and some kisses. enjoy ;)

-THEM-

When Lafayette opened their eyes, almost everyone was asleep. Peggy was snoring lightly, Thomas was snoring _obnoxiously_ and Alex was making cute little snuffling noises every time he breathed in. Herc’s head was a comforting weight on Lafayette’s thigh. Even Angelica had dozed off.

John was still awake.

Lafayette closed their eyes, trying to pretend they were still asleep, but it was too late. John’s eyes were trained on them, brow furrowed in... Concern? Pity? Lafayette, for once, couldn’t read John and it unsettled them.

“Laf?” John said gently. Lafayette stifled a sigh; there was no escaping the inevitable conversation now.

“Yeah?”

“Did I make you uncomfortable?” John asked and… What? That was _not_ what Lafayette had been expecting at all. They squinted at John but his face was open, honest, _sincere_. The man honestly thought he had made Lafayette uncomfortable. But why?

“Um, non?”

“You don’t sound very sure,” John said, sounding vaguely desperate. “Look, I’m really sorry-”

“Mon ami, what the fuck are you talking about?” Lafayette interrupted, raising their voice slightly. When Peggy began to stir, they absent-mindedly stroked xyr hair until xe settled down again. Lafayette was now well and truly bewildered. The conversation had veered completely away from what Lafayette had expected.

“When you held my hand?” John prompted.

“Oui but _I_ was the one who held your hand, not the other way around,” Lafayette pointed out, frowning. “Why would _I_ be uncomfortable? I thought _you_ were!”

Alex’s head drooped, falling onto John’s shoulder. They both watched the smaller boy for a moment as the soft, orange onesie rose in time with his breath. He mumbled something under his breath and, despite the situation, Lafayette couldn’t help but smile fondly.

“You know I’m not straight,” John continued. “But, you’ve never really said…? I don’t know, most straight people aren’t okay with…”

“I’m pansexual,” Lafayette said firmly. Had they really never mentioned their sexuality? Looking back, they realised that it had never cropped up in conversation. “I… I wasn’t uncomfortable either.”

Thomas let out a loud snore, making both of them jump. They looked over to where he was sprawled with his mouth open, and bit back a laugh.

“Shall we go talk somewhere else?” John offered, even as he looked like he was seconds away from whipping out his phone and recording him. Lafayette nodded. Peggy was still clinging onto them tightly and they began the excruciatingly long of extracting themself from xyr clutches.

“Wha…”

Lafayette looked up. It appeared that, whilst they had been so preoccupied with releasing themself from Peggy’s tight grip, they had forgotten that Herc was leaning on them. Now, the dark-skinned male blinked blearily.

“Sorry,” Lafayette whispered. Herc muttered something sleepily as Lafayette carefully scratched his scalp until his eyes fluttered shut again. When they looked up, John was watching them carefully. Did John know about Lafayette’s more-than-platonic feelings for Herc? God, they wouldn’t be able to handle it if he did…

“Kitchen?” John offered. Lafayette nodded and followed him.

Soon, they were settled on the cold floor of the kitchen, cross-legged and facing each other. There was a moment where neither of them said anything, both of them watching the other as they struggled to find the words required to begin the conversation.

“You like Alex,” John said finally. “Or Herc?”

Lafayette almost choked. _Both_? How did he know about both? Were they that obvious?

“I, _what_? What makes you say that?”

John shrugged, eyes trained carefully on the tiled floor as he traced patterns with his finger. “I’ve seen the way you look at them. I didn’t think much of it before, because, well, I didn’t know if you were straight or not. But...“

So he didn’t know that Lafayette liked both of them… _and_ John. Which, well, was a good thing. Technically. But John looked upset and Lafayette didn’t know _why_. Did he like one of them? Was that why?

“Which one?” John prompted, still staring at the floor.

Lafayette floundered for an answer. Part of them was unwilling to admit their crush - what if it made John feel awkward? - but another part of them was even more unwilling to lie outright to John. Sweet John, who made sure they weren’t uncomfortable even when Lafayette was the one who initiated it.

“Both,” they admitted finally, not entirely sure as to why they felt so shameful of the fact.

John finally looked up, surprised. “Oh, you’re poly?” When Lafayette nodded, he hummed and his gaze fell again to the floor.

“Why are you upset?” Lafayette asked cautiously. “Do you…”

“Is there something wrong with me?” John blurted. Lafayette paused, frowning, as they watched John bite his lip. The bright, artificial light of the kitchen revealed the suspicious glimmer in his eyes; tears?

“That’s what I was asking you,” Lafayette said slowly. They were still unsure of what was running through the freckled male’s mind, but he looked _gutted_. Lafayette hadn’t seen John look so heartbroken since his father threatened to disown him. The possibility that _they_ had been the one to put such a face on him again… It hurt.

John sighed, shaking his head. “That’s not what I meant. It’s just…” He paused, eyes shifting everywhere across the kitchen. “I like you. I don’t know if that makes you uncomfortable but I _like_ you. Okay?”

Lafayette gaped. There… There was no way. It wasn’t possible. A million thoughts whirred through Lafayette’s mind and none of them sounded appealing. John was joking. This was a prank. John already know about Lafayette’s pathetic crush on him and was teasing them. They took a deep breath, trying to stop the tears that were already beginning to well up in their eyes.

“I don’t know if you’re being serious or not,” Lafayette admitted and now it was them whose gaze had dropped to the floor, avoiding John’s eye.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to-”

“So you’re serious?” Lafayette interrupted. “This… this isn’t a joke? Right?”

John nodded slowly. “I’m being serious. Sorry.”

His face was completely straight, his eyes wide and vulnerable. This wasn’t a joke. John was _terrible_ at keeping a straight face whenever he was messing around, and often blew the cover of any prank. But this… John wasn’t this good of an actor.

“I’m sorry,” John repeated, looking truly miserable.

Lafayette laughed suddenly. “ _What_ ? No, mon cher, don’t be sorry! I… god, I thought you were _teasing_ me, I thought you knew…” they trailed off. John liked them. _John liked them_. What had they done in a previous life to deserve this? Was this, perhaps, fate’s apology for George? Who knew? Lafayette wasn’t going to complain.

“Knew what?” John said cautiously. Lafayette moved so that they were sitting closer to John, their thighs pressing together and sharing body heat. They were close, sitting too close to be mistaken for any platonic affection. John looked startled but said nothing.

“I like you,” Lafayette grinned, voice slightly breathless as they leaned in. “I _really_ like you.”

The close proximity meant that Lafayette heard John’s breath hitch. Just a little closer, just an inch, and their lips would brush. Lafayette’s gaze dropped to John’s lips, full and pink. Just an inch…

It was John who moved first. One hand resting on Lafayette’s thigh, his lips grazed their own hesitantly. Lafayette curled their hand around the back of John’s neck, pulling him closer as they reconnected their lips, soft and gentle, like a rhythm they had never practised but had easily fallen into. It was natural, it was pure, it was _them_.

Lafayette could feel their heart beating in their ears when they finally drew away. John was smiling faintly like he couldn’t quite believe what was happening. He leaned in for another kiss but Lafayette, with great reluctance, drew back.

“We need to talk about Herc and Alex,” Lafayette said, sobering quickly. They had no idea if John would be okay with knowing that he was not the only one. It certainly was plausible - how many people could truly say that they would date someone who was simultaneously crushing on two of their best friends?

“I like them,” John whispered. “I like them as much as I like you. And it drives me crazy.”

Lafayette’s head dropped to rest on John’s shoulder as they moaned. “I _know_ , mon cher. Have you seen Alex in the mornings? With his bed-hair and pout? I have no idea how you survive as his roommate.”

“Drives me crazy,” John repeated, sounding slightly pained. “And Herc’s arms?”

“ _Ugh_ , why are our friends so attractive?”

“I have no idea,” John said solemnly. “But I hate it.”

They remained in the kitchen for a while, curled up in each others arms under the bright glow of the kitchen light. John’s arms were wrapped around Lafayette’s frame and, for a while, they thought that nothing could possibly hurt them. They were safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> technically i'm supposed to be updating slp but i can do whatever the fuck i want, okay, and i /really/ needed some kisses, and slp isn't even close to kissy times (i think - that might change)
> 
> anyway, yeah
> 
> i have a lot of headcanons that i've had to store until /after/ at least two of them get together so now i can finally unleash them all on you guys, hurrah
> 
> my tumblr is [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://cdn12.lbstatic.nu/files/looks/medium/2013/04/30/3004875_pleated_skirt_pleats_coral_dot_bow_tie_blouse_ribon_satchel_bag_brown_girly_spring_pastel.jpg?1367285013
> 
> http://g01.a.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1D5upKFXXXXaBXXXXq6xXFXXXs/2015-Spring-Summer-New-Women-Strappy-Sandals-Sexy-Beige-Leather-Gladiator-Sandals-High-Heels-Women-Pumps.jpg

-THEM-

“I don’t know if I can do this,” Lafayette said uncertainly, glancing between the skirts that were laid out on the bed. John rested a warm, comforting hand on the small of their back.

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to,” John offered. “We can put these away for another day, or just give them back to Angelica.”

“But I _want_ to,” Lafayette sighed. “I want to try it, but I’m scared.” They ran their fingers lightly over the soft, shimmery material of one of the skirts, admiring the colour and imagining it on their body.

The skirt was adorable and they wanted it to wear it  _so much,_ but what if John thought it looked stupid? It was all good and well to be okay with feminine clothing in theory but what if, when he saw it, he thought Lafayette was weird? The skirt had been designed with a female body in mind and Lafayette didn’t think they could handle the humiliation of John laughing at them when he saw them in a skirt.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” John reminded them. “I can leave, if you want?”

Lafayette’s gaze flickered hesitantly between the displayed clothing and the open expression on John’s face.

“Yeah,” they said weakly, before clearing their throat. “Yeah, please. I’ll tell you when I’m done.”

John nodded, pressing a swift kiss on Lafayette’s cheek. “Okay. I'll be just outside, okay?"

Lafayette smiled. “Okay,” they agreed as they watched John leave, closing the door shut behind him.

They turned back to the wide assortment of clothes. There were cute, summer dresses in pastel colours, clean white blouses, crisp, plaid skirts. There was so much choice and they felt their head whirr. They wanted to try on _all_ of it.

Finally, their hand came to rest on a simple, white blouse. Nothing too extravagant. Their eye swept the selection of clothing again before choosing a flowy salmon skirt. It was casual enough but would John be weirded out by the femininity of the outfit? No, they decided finally. If John was okay with putting makeup on them, he would have no problem with their outfit.

At least, they hoped.

They stripped quickly and efficiently, peeling off their tanktop and sweatpants with little fuss. The scars that marked their thighs were suddenly on display, like neon signs telling them they’d never be truly happy, regardless of how much the future seemed hopeful in moments like these. Despite knowing that John wouldn’t barge in without permission, they glanced nervously at the door as they quickly tugged the skirt on.

The flowing material felt like heaven against their legs, falling just slightly above their knees. Lafayette twirled, feeling the light material fly up and stifling a delighted laugh.

The blouse was next. It was made up of two materials - a white spaghetti top that was attached to a sheer, buttoned shirt with a small bow at the collar. Lafayette wished they had slimmer shoulders in moments like these, when the blouse seemed almost uncomfortably tight.

They perched themself delicately on the edge of the bed. There wasn’t as large a collection of shoes as the clothes but it was enough. Lafayette quickly chose the beige gladiator heels that just passed their ankles, slipping them onto their feet with surprisingly little difficulty and zipping up the back.

Lafayette took a moment to collect themself. The full-length mirror in their line of vision was more than tantalising and they squeezed their eyes shut, trying to imagine what they looked like. It was extremely rare that they took the opportunity to indulge themself with feminine clothing even before George and, after that fiasco, they had quickly disposed of all the skirts and dresses they earned. How long had it been? Over a year, maybe two.

Deep breaths. They stood up quickly, taking long strides to the mirror before they lost courage.

They felt their breath knock out of their lungs at the sight that greeted them. The outfit made them look smaller, almost delicate. Their sharp edges were smoothed out and they looked almost like a girl. They couldn’t look away.

“Laf?”

Lafayette glanced at the door. In the excitement of wearing feminine clothing again, they had almost forgotten John. They took one last look at themself, adjusted the bow carefully and began to walk slowly towards the door, the heels clicking loudly against the floor.

Their hand hovered over the handle for longer than necessary. It took several more deep breaths before they could bring themself to wrap their fingers around the cold metal and swing the door open.

John’s eyes widened almost immediately, raking Lafayette’s figure with raised eyebrows and parted lips. Lafayette couldn’t help it; they preened under the attention, ducking their gaze shyly as John stepped closer, looking dazed.

“You look amazing, babe,” John breathed in awe. “I… Wow. _Wow._  The others have no idea what they’re missing out on.”

Lafayette smiled, fidgeting with the hem of their skirt. “It’s okay? You’re okay with it?”

“I’m more than okay with it,” John admitted, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind him. “You look…” he trailed off. He clearly didn’t know where to look and his gaze flickered quickly between the blouse that was tighter than expected, the way the top of the skirt hugged their hips, the long legs on display and Lafayette’s face.

Lafayette breathed out slowly. It was okay. John was okay with it. It was _fine._  But as much as they felt almost high on the euphoria that the clothes brought them, why did they also feel nervous? Even now, when John had openly told them they looked good, why were they still waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Deep breaths. Slow, calm, deep breaths. There was nothing to be worried about. The rest of the world could wait, could stop its spinning. This moment was for them.

Two lightly-freckled hands reached up to re-adjust the bow that had shifted. By the time the bow was back in place, John was standing mere inches away from Lafayette, close enough for Lafayette to count every freckle that dotted the bridge of his nose. They reached forward to quickly press a kiss against John’s lips.

When they tried to pull away, John re-captured their lips. His hands rested on their hips, rubbing circles against where they had tucked the blouse into their skirt. They would never tire of this, never get bored of how soft and warm John’s lips away. It was perfect, _he_ was perfect, and Lafayette had no idea what they had done to deserve the beauty that stood in front of them, smiling brightly.

“Mon amour,” Lafayette murmured, punctuating the endearment with another kiss. “Je t’aime.”

It was the first time they had said it and their heart was beating wildly in their chest until Lafayette was seriously worried about the condition of their ribcage. Was it too soon? Or had John been expecting them to say it earlier?

“I love you too,” came the reply. Simple, short and immediate.

They smiled at each other for a moment, simply drinking in the pleasure of just being in each other’s presence. John’s eyes would occasionally drop down to take in their outfit again with a fond smile and Lafayette felt their smile grow every time they saw John’s cheeks darken when he glanced at their legs.

“If only the others could see you now,” John said, stepping back to admire Lafayette again. “Imagine their reactions.”

Lafayette frowned. “Good?”

John laughed suddenly, head thrown back and displaying the expanse of his neck. He nodded emphatically. “ _Definitely._  They’d be blown away.”

Lafayette hesitated. Herc and Alex wouldn’t be bothered. After all, it had been their idea to borrow Angelica’s clothing and they were fine with their makeup. Surely, they wouldn’t have an issue with this. “Do you know what they’re doing now?”

“Nothing, the lazy shits,” John snorted before squinting at Lafayette. “Why?”

Lafayette shrugged. “I… I don’t know. I want to see their reaction.” They paused for a moment, gaze flickering up to John before landing on the floor again. “I want to make sure they’re okay with it.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” John breathed, wrapping his arms around Lafayette’s frame. They dropped their head so that they could rest their forehead on his shoulder, breathing the unique scent of John Laurens deeply. “They’d _definitely_ be okay with it. I can text them, if you want?”

Lafayette hesitated again before nodding. John pulled out his phone from his back pocket, tapping the screen quickly.

Deep breaths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here, have more fluff, i feel bad for torturing you earlier throughout the fic. (i was actually gonna make this /really/ angsty but even i'm not that mean)
> 
> how long do you guys think it'll take for alex to blurt out all his feelings for both john and laf because its probably coming within the next six chapters or so
> 
> [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com) is my tumblr but i follow from my main blog aka ask-agender-georges-lafayette sooooooooo you can hit me up on either


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first half of the chapter gets a little frisky but it doesn't go below the waist - regardless, if that bothers you, skip to around half way down and it's still pretty self-explanatory

-THEM-

Lafayette was perched on the edge of the bed, legs swinging as they glanced repeatedly towards the door. They couldn’t help but run through all the possible reactions that their outfit might provoke from Herc and Alex. When their hand came up to fix the small bow on the blouse for the billionth time in the past ten minutes, John rested his hand over theirs.

“Stop panicking,” John told them, linking their fingers together. A small smile danced on his lips and Lafayette felt his lips stretch in response. “I can tell them to cancel, if you want?”

Lafayette shook their head so vigorously that a strand of hair fell from their high bun to rest on their forehead. John tucked it back, leaning in to press a fond kiss where the curl had lay just seconds earlier.

“I _want_ them to come,” Lafayette sighed. “They have to see me in clothes like this at some point, right? If they’re gonna freak out, I want them freaking out here rather than in public.”

John shook his head. “I _really_ doubt they’d freak out,” he said but didn’t press the issue; instead, his arm curled around their waist and tugged them closer to him. Lafayette rolled their eyes exasperatedly but they didn’t protest as John kissed them again.

John’s lips were something of a wonder. They were a drug and Lafayette was far too addicted. It was strange, knowing that they had only been in a relationship for less than a day and yet they would be _devastated_ if John left them. It was… terrifying. Emotional attachment was one vulnerability that Lafayette wished they’d never have to experience again after George but they couldn’t help but trust John. If anyone would treat them well after their shitshow of a previous relationship, it would be John, Alex and Herc.

The kiss deepened as John licked his way into Lafayette’s mouth, tongue probing and curious. Lafayette parted their lips immediately and surrendered themself to John’s tongue, John’s lips, John’s wonderful, talented mouth. His hands dropped to rest on Lafayette’s thigh, hot and branding, and they squirmed under the touch. They couldn’t, would never, get enough of John’s kisses.

“The others will be here soon,” John mumbled against Lafayette’s lips before kissing them again. And yet he made no move to retract himself so Lafayette cradled the back of his head gently and used the touch to pull him closer.

Lafayette was burning, their insides were set on fire and they were never going to live past the age of twenty-five if John kept kissing them like he needed it to breathe. They could smell the faint remains of his pineapple and mango shampoo and, as John’s lips began to travel down their jawline and onto their neck, they couldn’t help but breathe in the heady scent.

“If we get caught, it’s your fault,” Lafayette muttered, breath hitching when John bit their collarbone harshly, a sharp contrast to the way his hands brushed their side gently.

“Nuh uh,” John argued playfully. “I’m totally pinning all the blame on you.” Each bite at the base of their neck was peppered with light kisses. Lafayette’s hand entangled itself in his hair, only half-listening to what he was saying. “It’s not my fault you look so damn good.”

Lafayette barked a short laugh that tilted their head further back, providing John with more access. The laugh quickly turned into a moan and the hand in John’s hair tightened, almost tugging at the strands. They felt the hem of their skirt riding up their leg but made no move to tug it down again, especially not when feeling John's palm hot against the bare expanse of their thigh felt so _good_.

“John, please-”

“Shhh,” John soothed. “Imagine if they could hear you now, huh? You sound so beautiful even when I’m barely touching you...”

Lafayette wanted to argue with ‘barely touching’, especially when it felt like John’s hands were everywhere, leaving a burning trail wherever they touched. But they were past the point of formulating coherent sentences when John popped open the first few buttons of their blouse for better access to their collarbone. Lafayette’s head dropped back as more and more skin was bared and more skin was left available to John’s mouth. Each playful nip made them gasp and they squirmed as John sucked on a patch of skin _hard_.  

“Imagine they were standing here now, watching you moan,” John murmured into their skin and their grip in his hair tightened as they gasped; the image was too delectable to resist. God, it felt _dirty_ , thinking about two other people when they already had one but the idea of having all three, surrounding them… mon deiu. Lafayette would worship every inch of their bodies without hesitation.

“S'il te plaît,” Lafayette whined when each bite grew more relentless. John was merciless, leaving Lafayette a squirming mess beneath him and he carefully continued his ministrations with loving fervour. His hair was soft between Lafayette’s fingers and they gathered it up in the palm of their hand before watching the locks spills between their fingers.

John pulled away suddenly, eyes wide and staring at the closed door. Lafayette startled so badly that they almost slid off the bed in surprise but John didn’t spare them a glance.

“John?” Lafayette asked hesitantly. Had they fucked up? Was it the French? It had always annoyed George, mostly because he didn’t understand what they were saying. But John hadn’t shown any issue with Lafayette speaking French in their entire history as friends so _why_ had he moved away so quickly and why was he still staring at the door?

“John-” they tried again but they were quickly hushed with a single finger pressed against their lips. They raised their eyebrows indignantly but said nothing, watching John apparently strain to hear something.

Then they heard it; two voices. How had they missed it? Lafayette had spent more than enough time pining over Herc and Alex to recognise their voices. They had completely forgotten that they had invited the two over and _oh god,_ if John hadn’t heard them, they probably would have walked in on John with his mouth attached to Lafayette’s neck and his hand up their skirt.

Lafayette and John shared a quick look of panic before sitting up and trying desperately to make themselves look presentable. Lafayette barely managed to button up their blouse when the door swung open to reveal Alex and Herc, with the latter carrying a plastic bag.

“We got candy,” Alex crowed excitedly the moment he entered the room, looking almost like a child in his enthusiasm. The smile dropped quickly when he took in the sight before him. Herc dropped the plastic bag.

Despite their best efforts, it was obvious that they hadn’t exactly been sitting around and talking whilst waiting for the other two. John’s hair showed clear signs of being tugged and his lighter skin meant that his blush was far more evident than Lafayette’s. He was sitting stiffly at the edge of the bed, carefully not touching Lafayette, whose blouse had creased around the collar from John’s grip and their breath uneven.

Herc took one glance at the two and averted his gaze to the ceiling almost immediately. “Your skirt is… uh.”

Lafayette glanced down. Their skirt had ridden up their thigh until it rested at their hip, with a hint of their boyshorts on display. John made a strange noise beside them and Herc’s comment only drew Alex’s gaze to their bare skin. They tugged the hem of their skirt down, face burning.

Alex mumbled something inaudible under his breath.

“What?” John asked almost nervously.

Alex cleared his throat, gesturing vaguely in Lafayette’s directions. “Buttons. They’re wrong.”

Sure enough, Lafayette had skipped one of the buttons in their haste. They quickly turned away from Herc and Alex as they undid the buttons quickly, pulling a face in agreement when John grimaced.

“We’re so sorry,” John said, as Lafayette continued to fiddle with their buttons. “Like, _shit,_ we’re so sorry. It was really rude to invite your guys over and then start…” he trailed off and Alex’s cheeks darkened at the implication.

“It’s fine,” Herc said gruffly, still not meeting their eye. He kicked the plastic bag loaded with candy towards them with a tight smile before turning on his heel and leaving the room without another word.

Alex, on the other hand, made no effort to hide his blatant staring. His eyes were wide and he didn't seem to be able to look away. Lafayette swallowed as they watched Alex's gaze sweep over both John and them. It was worse when, seemingly subconsciously, Alex licked his lips. Lafayette felt on display with bruises beginning to blossom up the column of their neck.

“Sorry,” they croaked finally, unable to say anything but repeat John’s earlier words. They didn’t think they could form sentences right then, not when they had embarrassed themselves so thoroughly. God, they probably thought Lafayette was such a _slut._

“It’s fine,” Alex said awkwardly, dismissing the notion with a flailing hand before tucking a wayward strand of hair behind his ear. “I, um, I just remembered, I need to, uh, go to the library. Work.”

And with that, he, too, fled.

Lafayette groaned loudly when the door slammed shut. Great. They had successfully managed to weird out two of their best friends and crushes. _Brilliant._ John slumped beside them, burying his face in the pillow and making incoherent noises that might have possible been an attempt at the English language.

“Merde,” Lafayette said, still staring at the door forlornly. “We fucked up.”

John whined in agreement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha guess who's alive. barely.
> 
> this chapter was actually supposed to be laf and john about to /do/ it but then alex and herc burst in with candy right before laf moans their names... but then sunken_ships got there before me and i had to scrap that idea lmao (read [c'est moi](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6475903) for poly hamilsquad shenanigans, it's soooooooo good, honestly, please please please)
> 
> every female in my family is currently on their period and we're all on the couch with popcorn and fizzy drinks and crying over lord of the rings
> 
> [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com) is my tumblr side blog, scream at me on there (main blog is [ask-agender-georges-lafayette](http://www.ask-agender-georges-lafayette.tumblr.com) sooooo you can follow that too?)
> 
> EDIT: was no one gonna tell me that i wrote 'know' instead of 'now'? thanks guys. seriously.


	19. Chapter 19

-HIM-

John was Not Casual.

Lafayette knew that John was convinced that he was the best actor to walk the Earth but the reality of the situation was that John was _really_ bad at acting casual in certain situations. Situations that included spying on your best friend and crush at the library from behind a shelf whilst pretending to read a book that they were _obviously_ not interested in.

“You don’t even study economics,” Lafayette pointed out as John craned his neck to sneak another glance at Alex.

“He won’t see it anyway,” John argued without removing his eyes from the smaller boy across the library.

The two of them fell silent once more, carefully pretending to read as they watched Alex. After the disaster that had occurred in Lafayette’s dorm, Herc had disappeared and all attempts at contact had failed but the two of them had found Alex in his usual spot in the library. He had already been sitting there for three hours and they were beginning to worry, but there was no way to force him to take a break without confronting him and making the situation even more awkward.

Alex bit his lip as he frowned down at the book he was scanning, pen hovering over his notes. He looked especially adorable in his too-big hoodie (was that Herc’s?), hair thrown into a messy bun and brow furrowed in concentration. It took a herculean effort not to coo every time his face scrunched up in response to something he read.

John nudged Lafayette urgently, tapping his arm repeatedly until Lafayette finally ripped his gaze away from Alex’s face. When he looked at John questioningly, he nodded his head in the direction of a magenta-clad figure.

“Thomas,” Lafayette breathed, frowning. Although Lafayette and Thomas got along, he knew that Alex had a strange relationship with the man, in which they both begrudgingly respected each other, were capable of being civil but would take any opportunity available to argue with one another. John had every reason to be worried.

“Alex,” Thomas greeted neutrally and Lafayette was suddenly grateful that they were just barely within earshot of Alex’s table.

“Literally no one cares about you, Jefferson,” Alex snapped. The surprise painted on Thomas’ face was almost comical and he actually took a step back. There was a moment where neither of them said anything and Alex didn’t even bother looking up at Thomas, continuing to scrawl his notes at an almost terrifying pace.

“Goddamn, Hamilton,” Thomas said finally, all friendliness wiped from his face as he raised a cold eyebrow down at the other male. The revert to surnames stung; Lafayette felt John wince next to him and wholly agreed. “Excuse me for caring about your well-being.”

Alex snorted disdainfully, turning the page of his book so violently that it had torn at the corner ever so slightly. This time, when Thomas raised his eyebrow, it was in concern. “Pray tell, how does saying my name equate to caring about my well-being?”

“Actually,” Thomas sneered. “I was going to tell you to take a break and eat something, but you can starve to death in that damn chair for all I care now.”

Lafayette exhaled sharply. The two had their fair share of fights but _never_ anything as vicious as this over such an insignificant matter. It hurt, seeing two of his friends spit at each other like hissing cats, but they pushed the feeling away - after all, it was _his_ fault that Alex was angry enough to attack anyone who dared approach him.

“Hey,” John whispered. When Lafayette turned to look at him, the artificial light hit his eyes just right, making his irises impossibly light and the flecks of honey more visible. His features were soft and he had a gentle smile on his face that made him want to kiss him until John understood just how much Lafayette loved him.

“Yeah?”

“Stop blaming yourself,” John said, slapping his arm playfully.

“I’m not-” Lafayette began to protest, only to be interrupted by John’s finger pressing lightly against his lips in a silent command to stop.

“Stop blaming yourself,” John repeated gently. Lafayette smiled weakly, leaning in to press a swift kiss against his lips. When he pulled away, John kissed the tip of his nose, grinning unabashedly when Lafayette began to blush. It was ridiculous, they were already dating and yet he was acting as though his crush was unrequited. Regardless of their relationship status, they couldn’t help the heat blossoming across his cheeks.

“I don’t know what’s got your panties in a twist-” Thomas was saying, voice raised in frustration. Their attention snapped back to where the two students sat; Alex, hunched over and refusing to look at Thomas as he continued to work and Thomas, sprawled elegantly over a chair and staring almost aggressively at Alex.

“I’m sorry!” Alex shouted. The students at other tables turned around to stare but Alex didn’t spare them a glance, instead choosing to bury his face into his hands. If Thomas had looked shocked before, it was nothing compared to the expression on his face now. Alex _never_ apologised to Thomas and vice versa. If one of their arguments had gone too far, they would never express their apologies through words and would instead show it through small actions, like silently bringing coffee to the other’s desk.

Thomas, to his credit, recovered quickly. “Mind saying that again? I need to get my phone ready to record this, this is a _miracle_ _._ Alex? Apologising? Is the apocalypse nearing?”

Alex mumbled something into his hands that John and Lafayette couldn’t hear from their proximity. They exchanged panicked looks - how far had the situation gone?

“You’re _always_ stressed about something,” Thomas pointed out, apparently in response to whatever Alex had muttered. “But you never… act like that.”

Another mumble, muffled by the hands that refused to leave Alex’s face. Lafayette had no idea what Alex had said but Thomas looked completely blown away.

_“What?”_

“Quieten down,” Alex snapped, finally looking up. “You’re not allowed to tell anyone. Ever.”

Thomas looked too shocked to reply. His jaw fell open and he was staring at Alex like he had never seen him before. It wasn’t until Alex slapped his thigh with more force than was strictly necessary that he finally gathered himself enough to respond.

“I thought you had a crush on one of your little gang?” Thomas questioned.

John and Lafayette tensed almost immediately, knowing all too well which ‘little gang’ Thomas was referring to. Several feet away, Alex had tensed up too, muscles visibly taut even from a distance.

“No,” Alex said quickly.

And that shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did, Lafayette had _known_ that Alex wasn’t interested but that didn’t stop the stab of pain that he felt in his chest like a physical wound. He felt John’s fingers intertwine with his own and, when he glanced at the other male, he saw that he looked just as pained.

“I have _never_ _-”_ thank the lord for Thomas’ dramatic tendencies because now John and Lafayette could hear every word of their conversation “-seen you show _any_ interest _ever_. What the actual fuck?”

“Do you wanna keep your voice down a little?” Alex grumbled, beginning to close his books and shove the scrap pieces of paper into his pocket. “Keep your mouth shut.”

Lafayette and John watched the two leave, immobilised in their spaces. Lafayette quickly rubbed at their eyes when he felt them begin to water and swallowing was a difficult task with the ever-growing lump in his throat.

“Alex likes someone else,” John said with a hollow laugh. “It should have been obvious but… god.”

Lafayette sniffed. “Can we go home?”

John nodded sombrely, wrapping an arm around Lafayette’s waist and reaching up to kiss his cheek. “This day keeps getting shittier.”

The walk back to the dorm was quiet, with both of the boys too preoccupied with their thoughts to manage any attempts at conversation. They walked silently, hand in hand, revelling in the presence of the other without words. At some point, Angelica approached them as they stepped through rain-sodden grass.

“Have you seen Peggy?” she asked, frowning distractedly as she blocked their path. John shrugged, lips pressed tight.

“No, sorry,” Lafayette said quietly when John didn’t speak. He vaguely noted her dress: a pastel pink high-low with flared sleeves. It was cute. He kind of wanted one.

Angelica frowned even more as she scanned their faces. She was known for being scarily observant, picking up even the smallest clues and piecing them together to find out not only when someone was upset but why. It took her mere seconds before she spoke again.

“Is it Herc or Alex?” she asked knowingly.

Lafayette blinked and even John startled out of his stupor.

“Have they spoken to you?” John asked eagerly, stepping forward and grabbing Angelica’s sleeve almost desperately. If Angelica wasn’t sure, that was enough confirmation.

Angelica’s smile was sympathetic, _too_ sympathetic, and Lafayette found himself wondering what she knew, how much she knew, what she thought of him for getting the man of his dream and continuing to pine after two others… Was she judging him? It was impossible to tell.

“I haven’t seen either of them, sorry,” she apologised, patting John’s arm. “Have you called him?”

“He’s not picking up,” Lafayette said morosely, thinking back to their consecutive attempts at calling that had failed. He had no idea if Herc was purposefully ignoring them or if he had turned his phone off. Both possibilities had hurt.

“Sorry,” she said again, pushing the strap of her bag further up her shoulder. “I’ve gotta go, but if I see either of them, I’ll let them know you’re looking.”

“Thanks,” John sighed.

They both watched her walk away with a sense of despair, hips swinging and her hair swishing to and fro in her ponytail. They stood in the grass for longer than they should have, saying nothing and staring at nothing, hands clasped tightly as though the other might disappear if they let go.

“Who do you think it is?” Lafayette asked John, mind reeling with possibilities. Alex was popular amongst both the guys and the girls; he could get anyone he wanted. No doubt that, within a couple of days, he would have snagged whoever his mystery crush was.

“Eliza?” John tried, not sounding particularly convinced. Lafayette shook his head.

“That ended ages ago. And I’m sure she’s with Maria, non?”

“That doesn’t stop him from liking her,” John argued but didn’t push the idea. Alex had been extremely obvious with his crush on Eliza a couple of years ago and, if she had managed to steal his heart again, there surely would have been a repeat in the ‘romantic endeavors’ that had attracted the attention of the entire campus years back.

“Angelica?” Lafayette mused but both of them knew that Alex didn’t hold any romantic feelings for the older girl. The silence stretched on as they flitted from person to person, trying to imagine each of them with their beloved friend.

“Thomas?” John said, stifling a laugh. Lafayette couldn’t help but grin; the image of Alex and Thomas getting along long enough to even consider establishing a relationship was a comical one, considering their frequent arguments and the number of times Alex had stormed into the dorm, fuming after Thomas’ comments.

“Or worse; _Burr_ ,” Lafayette suggested and both of them snorted. Neither Aaron nor Alex would be able to put up with each other for more than a couple of days and a break up would be, eventually, inevitable. It was pairing even more incompatible that Alex and Thomas, and that was saying something.

Lafayette’s phone buzzed in their pocket and, next to him, he heard the distant ‘ping’ that signified a text on John’s phone. They shared a look, anticipatory but unsure of what, exactly, they were anticipating, before pulling out their phones.

From **HERCULES MULLIGAN!!!!**

- _were you guys aware that alex is dating someone???_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry i'm taking so long with updates recently, i've got exams and shit next week so i'm Slightly panicking + c'est moi finished so i have nothing to motivate me anymore (read it [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6475903))
> 
> who do you guys think the mystery crush is?? person who guesses it right gets a shoutout next chapter because i don't have anything else to offer you guys, i'm poor as fuck (don't worry, the relationship won't last long and the end result will still be poly hamilsquad)
> 
> prepare yourselves for lots of herc angst in the next chapter though
> 
> [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com) is tumblr, talk to this pathetic soul


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> herc angst has been postponed, thank the lord

-HIM-

Laf and John had headed back to the dorm in record speed after the text. They had passed Peggy and shouted something about Angelica over their shoulder as they pushed passed people and, at some point, ended up yelling at a group of people who had decided to block the road with their slow walking. But finally, they made it back, throwing the door open and and stumbling into the room.

Herc was at the desk, sitting at the edge of the seat and his back tense, a clear sign of his discomfort in the situation. Lafayette bit back a sigh. Before they could even start talking about Alex, they’d have to confront Herc about what had happened earlier. 

“We really are sorry,” he said gently, approaching slowly as though walking towards a wild, easily scared animal. Herc was certainly skittish enough, Lafayette noted, when he saw Herc’s shirt ripple as the muscles beneath it tensed further.

“About what?” His voice was carefully neutral and he still wasn’t looking at them. John and Lafayette exchanged panicked glances behind his back - this wasn’t going well.

“When you walked in earlier,” John prompted. “When we were…” he trailed off, glancing awkwardly at Lafayette again. “Listen, I know that it probably makes you uncomfortable to see your friends doing stuff in front of you-”

“That’s not the issue,” Herc interrupted, rubbing his face with a large hand and suddenly, Lafayette was imagining holding that hand and _wow_ that was not something he should be thinking of.

“Then what is?” Lafayette asked, moving so that he was standing in front of Herc. There was nowhere else for him to look now with Lafayette blocking his view and he had to look up to avoid staring at Lafayette’s crotch. Perfect.

Herc sighed heavily, looking almost defeated. “I’m _fine_ with your relationship. It’s got nothing to do with me.”

John’s eyes flickered up to Lafayette’s, seeking permission. Lafayette had no idea what he wanted to do but he nodded regardless; he trusted John enough to know that, whatever he did now, he wouldn’t do anything that either of them would regret.

John lightly placed his hands over Herc’s shoulders. When he didn’t flinch, he began to rub his shoulders soothingly, digging his thumb into the knots that had formed under his skin. Herc hissed slightly, arching his back into John’s touch as Lafayette watched the two of them. They were… beautiful. _Beyond_ beautiful. And perhaps he was ungrateful for wanting more than what he had but he couldn’t help loving someone. It was something that was out of his control, a decision that had been taken out of his hands and maybe, just maybe, he should stop beating himself up over it.

It was a task easier said than done, but Lafayette was willing to try.

“What were you saying earlier?” Lafayette prompted, perching himself on the desk and crossing one leg over the other.

“Alex is dating someone,” Herc said tiredly. “Or, he’s going to ask someone out. I’m not sure which.”

“How do you know?” John said almost desperately, looking pained from his position behind Herc. His ministrations stopped for a moment and it wasn’t until Herc rolled his shoulders that he remembered what he doing and continued massaging his way down Herc’s back.

“He sent me a message, asking if guys appreciated roses on a first date,” Herc said quietly and… he looked heartbroken. Truly heartbroken. Like… _like his love had started dating someone else._ Lafayette had always wondered about Herc’s feelings towards Alex but he had always given such mixed signals; one minute, Lafayette was convinced he was in love and other times, it was clear that Herc only saw him as a friend.

Lafayette felt a pang of hurt in his heart. If Herc was going through the exact same thing that Lafayette and John were going through, then Alex would have managed to break three hearts in one day. He always had been an over-achiever, Lafayette thought wryly.

“You don’t know who it is, then?” John asked, looking crestfallen. Herc shook his head.

“Nah,” he replied, biting his lip. “I… tried asking him. He read the message but didn’t reply.”

Lafayette sucked in a sharp breath. That blow hurt the most.

“Why are we even surprised?” he laughed finally, but it sounded too forced. John and Herc had apparently noticed, according to their worried looks. “We’ve always known the tomcat has claws.”

“Alex hasn’t dated anyone in ages,” John mused with a sad smile. “It was about time anyway.”

Herc nodded, suddenly looking extremely tired. His shoulders sagged under John’s hands, startling the freckled man enough to move his hands away. “I wanna sleep for the next century or so,” he mumbled under his breath before pushing himself off the chair and collapsing onto Lafayette’s bed. “You mind if I sleep here?”

“No,” Lafayette said immediately, eyes on the strip of skin above Herc’s waistband that was revealed when his shirt rode up. “Definitely not,” he added under his breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing,” Lafayette dismissed quickly, cheeks burning as John, next to him, snorted unsubtly. Lafayette shoved the other boy’s arm, huffing playfully when John just laughed and leaned in to steal a kiss from him. Seconds later, the two of them glanced at Herc but he was already half-asleep completely oblivious to what they were doing as he buried his face into Lafayette’ pillow.

“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to sleep in that bed once it smells like him,” Lafayette said quietly when he was sure that Herc was asleep, eyes soft as they lingered on the figure that was sprawled across his bed.

“Gonna be too busy doing something else, eh?” John teased, grinning. Lafayette rolled his eyes but didn’t reply, instead entangling his hand in the soft material of John’s shirt and tugging him closer towards him. John following him easily, sitting up on the desk with Lafayette and curling up against his side, lips brushing against Lafayette’s neck and hot breath tickling his skin.

“He really is beautiful, isn’t he?” John murmured, pressing a kiss against the underside of his jaw. Lafayette’s gaze dropped to where Herc was snoring softly, his face gentle in the glow of the afternoon sun.

“He is,” Lafayette said in quiet agreement. “If only…”

There were a million ways that sentence could have ended. I wish he knew how we felt about him. I wish he returned our feelings. I wish we could have him like we have each other. But wishing would do nothing in the long run and maybe, just maybe, it was for the best if Lafayette didn’t dwell on possibilities and focused on the reality of the situation. Instead, his mind flitted back to Alex and his mystery crush.

“What if it _is_ Thomas?” he asked. When John began to grin, he hastened to explain himself. “It makes sense, really. Thomas said that he had never seen Alex show any interest, oui? Perhaps Thomas was referring to himself.”

The smile slid off John's face as he began to contemplate the possibility of the two getting together.

“It’s possible,” John agreed finally, looking pained as the words left his mouth. “I… If it's not us, then I don’t want it to be anyone, to be entirely honest.”

Lafayette hummed in agreement and they sat silently, arms wrapped around each other and trying not to think of anything but the comforting scent of the other. It was at that moment when they both received a text, as well as Herc's phone buzzing angrily across the room. With tired sighs and a knowing look exchanged, John and Lafayette reached for their phones.

 

From **Mon Petit Lion** :

_-can we meet up?_

_-i have an announcement to make_

 

“Great,” Lafayette mumbled, biting his lip furiously as he willed the tears that were gathering in his eyes to disappear.

“The moment of truth, eh?” John joked but his smile was wavering uncertainly on his face. “Here’s what we do: we walk in, we smile brightly and we act like we're happy for him.”

“Because we _are,”_ Lafayette pointed out.

“We are,” John agreed reluctantly.

“No matter who the person is.”

“Even Thomas?”

“ _Yes,_ even Thomas, John.”

They smiled at each other. There was a certain sense of comfort in knowing that at least one of the people he loved was going through the same pain as him. Despite all this, he still had John. And if that was all he was going to get, then that wasn't too bad either. They would get through this, they would make it. And, as long as John was beside him to hold his hand and kiss him when it became too much, Lafayette felt like he could do anything.

“We should wake Herc up,” John murmured.

Lafayette nodded, sliding off the desk and crossing the room to where Herc was still snoring softly. He placed a light hand on Herc’s arm, shaking it gently. “Herc. Hey, Herc. You have to get up, mon ami. Come on, Herc.”

Herc’s eyes remained resolutely shut but he sleepily entangled his hand in the too-long sleeve of Lafayette’s shirt, mumbling something sleepily as he buried his face in further into the pillow. The pillow that would probably smell like him when he woke up. The same pillow Lafayette was expected to sleep on. He swallowed heavily.

“He’s so cute,” he heard John whisper in awe behind him. “What did we do to deserve him?”

Lafayette hummed in agreement, shaking Herc again. Finally, the other male opened his eyes, blinking blearily up at the Frenchman.

“Alex says he wants to make an announcement,” Lafayette told him quietly, biting back a smile when Herc yawned.

“It's about his stupid crush, isn't it?” Herc grumbled, sounding more annoyed than was called for. Lafayette shrugged, dragging the blanket away from Herc's frame and depositing it at the bottom of the bed.

“Up,” John added helpfully.

Herc sat up, arms above his head as he stretched luxuriously. His t-shirt rode up more than was decent and Lafayette’s gaze dropped to where a trail of hair, a toned stomach and a bellybutton was on display. He choked suddenly, unsure of what to do with his hands as he turned around quickly to John, who had flushed red. They exchanged panicked looks.

“Let's get going,” Herc mumbled, getting off the bed.

“Let's,” Lafayette agreed and if his voice cracked, then that was no one's business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so you still haven't learnt who the date is... keep guessing! some of you guys got it right in the comments 
> 
> i've got an exam and wrote this instead of revising. and that means, the morning before the exam, i was typing so furiously on my laptop that my mum gave me a lecture on calming down before an exam. if only she knew i was writing about dead gay politicians.
> 
> go fucking read [c'est moi](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6475903) by [sunken_ships](http://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Great_Crossroads_TimeLord/pseuds/sunken_ships)
> 
> tumblr is [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back... after a gazillion years. i'm really not good at this whole 'regular updates' thing, am i

-HIM-

 _“_ _Burr?”_ John said incredulously. “Since _when?”_

Aaron looked extremely weary, rubbing a hand over his face as he slumped slightly in his chair. His gaze flickered from Lafayette to Herc to John before he answered, tugging the collar of his shirt almost nervously. “Can you just say 'congratulations’ so we can all go home?”

“I'll say congratulations when I found out when the hell this happened,” John said stubbornly. Lafayette sighed. He should have expected this. John had never been one to go without a fight. For a moment, he felt a twinge of pity for Aaron. Well, before it was engulfed by jealousy, that was.

Aaron sighed too. “Alex and I have been interested in each other for a while. He asked me out earlier this week and I said yes,” he said, voice flat and monotone as though he had rehearsed it. Lafayette didn't believe him for a second.

“So all this time,” Lafayette began sceptically, “Alex, our best friend, the person we know more than anyone else, was secretly on love… and we had no idea the whole time? Is that what you're trying to tell us?”

“Not _trying_ to tell you, I _am_ telling you,” Aaron said patiently. Herc snorted.

“You do know how unrealistic that sounds?” he enquired, lips quirking disbelievingly. “You really expect us to believe you?”

“I can call Alex over if you want,” Aaron offered, a subtle smile on his lips as he watched the identical looks of panic dawning on their faces. “If you really don't believe me.”

“It's fine,” Lafayette said quickly, hand resting on John's thigh when he saw John open his mouth angrily. “We believe you.”

Herc muttered mutinously.

Alex finally returned from the counter, juggling five milkshakes with an intense look of concentration: two in his hand, two clutched to his chest with the help of his forearm and one nestled in the crook of his elbow. He glanced up at them with a hopeful grin — dutifully, they burst into enthusiastic applause.

“Thank you, thank you, my loving fans,” Alex joked as he carefully placed the numerous milkshakes on the table. He blew a kiss at all of them and Lafayette, Herc and John all pretended to swoon. Aaron rolled his eyes good-naturedly.

“I was just telling them,” Aaron said to Alex, provoking alarmed looks from the other three. “How very much in love we are.”

Alex nodded emphatically. “Yep,” he said seriously, “Very much in love.” He broke into a bright grin. “I wanted you guys to be the first person to know.” A pause in which Lafayette and John, unbeknown to Herc, exchanged a disbelieving look. “Well, after Thomas, but that was an accident.”

“You guys make a wonderful couple,” Herc said with a wry smile. “Just don’t fuck in our dorm.”

“I don’t even live in your dorm!”

“You practically do.”

“And I want a notice beforehand if you guys are gonna do anything in our dorm,” John added.

“And I will have to stab both of you if there’s too much PAD,” Lafayette said seriously.

The other four frowned in confusion.

“PAD?”

“Public affection displays?” Lafayette tried, glancing between the four boys. “Is that not the phrase?”

Herc laughed. “Close. It’s public displays of affection. PDA.”

Lafayette grumbled under his breath. Sometimes, it felt like he would never quite get the hang of English, that he was doomed to make some stupid mistake that everyone around him would have to correct and, frankly, he was _sick_ of it. He’d been speaking English long enough, it was unfair that the language should have such easily confused sayings. Part of him wished he were back in France, reminiscing about the long hallways of his childhood home, the same hallways he and Adrienne would slid down in their socks.

“Laf?”

Lafayette snapped back at the sound of Alex’s voice. “Oui?”

“Nothing,” Herc said, looking slightly concerned. Alex was watching him carefully too. “Just lost you for a moment.”

As the conversation continued, he felt a hand on his thigh and he turned to see John’s eyes on him as well.

“You okay?” he asked, voice low enough that the others wouldn’t hear. Lafayette glanced at them; Aaron was watching Alex and Herc argue about something to do with Fruit Roll-ups with a fond but exasperated smile.

“Fine,” Lafayette answered when he was sure they couldn’t hear. He didn’t want to ruin the atmosphere, not when they were just getting along so well. “I just miss France a little.”

John’s smile was sympathetic and the hand that was previously on Lafayette’s thigh moved up to cup his cheek gently. Lafayette leaned into the touch with a grateful smile, welcoming the callouses that adorned his palm.

“And you complained about _us_ and PDA,” they heard Alex mumble and the two moved away to grin at him, unabashed.

“We’re a cuter couple than you,” Lafayette said immediately, cheeky grin at the ready, “So it’s okay for us.”

Alex laughed.

* * *

-HIM-

Lafayette had a perfect view of the night sky from his bed. He had fought tooth and nail for this room and it proved its use for the nights when he missed his home country so much that it felt like he couldn’t function. Now, he stared at the dark silhouettes of the buildings, pretending that he was in the heart of France.

He sniffled pathetically. He loved America, he really did, but there was something familiar and comforting about his own home and, whilst he didn’t regret moving to the States for a second, he felt a deep yearning to be home. He sniffed again.

“Laf?”

Lafayette turned over in his bed, tangling his feet in the process. “Herc?”

The light flicked on to reveal the broader male standing at the doorway, eyes alight with concern. “Are you okay?”

Drying his eyes with the back of his hand, Lafayette sat up. “Fine. What did you want?”

“It’s nothing important,” Herc dismissed. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” Lafayette insisted. “Can I go to sleep now or are you going to keep me up all night just to repeat the same question?”

“You’re fine,” Herc repeated. “And those tears are just tears of joy, right?”

Lafayette sighed. He knew that Herc wasn’t going to give up; such was the beauty of his nature. He wouldn’t sleep until he was sure that Lafayette had been comforted and sufficiently cuddled. It was moments like this that Lafayette thanked any deity that was listening for Hercules Mulligan.

Lafayette shuffled over to one side of the bed as Herc moved to sit next to him. The bed was small, not nearly large enough for two men to lie together comfortably without touching. Not that they needed more space when Herc bundled Lafayette into his arms.

“Whatever it is, it’s okay,” Herc murmured and soon, Lafayette was crying into his chest, body quivering with the force of his sobs. Herc simply stroked his back, not saying a word as Lafayette breathed in his comforting scent.

It took a few moments for Lafayette to bring himself under control enough to push away from Herc. His hand was still clutching Herc’s t-shirt but at least he wasn’t bawling on him like a baby anymore.

“Je suis désolé,” Lafayette mumbled, too ashamed to meet Herc’s eye. When was the last time he had cried like that? Too long.

“Don’t apologise,” Herc said immediately. He paused. “You _were_ apologising, weren’t you?”

Lafayette snorted, wiping his tears away again for the second time in a few minutes. “Yeah.”

“Well, don’t,” Herc said confidently. “Because I will fight whoever you need me to, like, without hesitation.”

“I don’t need anyone to fight anyone,” Lafayette said, amused. His head was pounding, in the way it always did after a good cry. It felt good. “I just miss home a little.”

“Ah,” Herc said knowingly. “Well, I can’t exactly give any amazing advice for homesickness but… maybe you should meet up with Adrienne tomorrow?”

Lafayette nodded. He felt drained after the events of the day, and Herc’s warmth and the bed’s softness was already lulling him to sleep. His eyelids grew heavier and heavier, until he had to fight to keep his eyes open and trained on Herc’s face.

“What do you think of Aaron and Alex?”

He felt Herc tense slightly and wondered vaguely if he had hit a sore spot. But the moment passed quickly and he answered, “I mean, I guess they’re cute, if a little unexpected.”

Perhaps it was the sleepiness that was making him more honest, or maybe the sob he’d just had, or maybe even Herc’s intoxicating presence, but Lafayette found himself admitting something he hadn’t even admitted to John. “I hate them together. And I hate Aaron for stealing him.”

He lost the fight against unconsciousness and his eyes drifted shut, but not before he heard Herc say quietly, “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does alex love burr? more interestingly, does burr love alex? if so, how's he gonna react when he finds out that alex is totally in love with the other three? or does he already know? and if he /does/ know, then why did he go along with it?? i'd say i'll answer it in the next chapter but i love dragging things on unnecessarily so
> 
> i'm not done recommending [c'est moi](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6475903) by [sunken_ships](http://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Great_Crossroads_TimeLord/pseuds/sunken_ships)
> 
>  
> 
> [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> (agh so many links)


	22. Chapter 22

-THEM-

They were all gathered in John and Alex's room. Books were strewn haphazardly across the floor as Herc and John worked. Alex was sitting on his bed, cross-legged with his laptop perched on his thighs, typing furiously, as an exasperated Aaron next to him corrected the spelling mistakes that came from typing too fast. Lafayette was sitting between John and Herc, all three of them leaning back against the wall. Lafayette had protested against revising and instead had pulled out a novella Peggy had recommended to them a while ago.

Alex laughed at something Aaron said, grabbing his collar and using it as leverage to pull the other in closer for a kiss. Lafayette felt their throat close up when they saw Alex’s lips meet Aaron’s. Without thinking, their hand shot out to John’s thigh, nails digging into his skin relentlessly to nonverbally communicate the amount of pain they were in.

 _“Ow,_ Laf,” Herc complained, prying Lafayette away by their wrist. “What the hell?”

“Sorry,” Lafayette said immediately, soothing the pain by rubbing their hand over the sore area. Shit. They had mistaken Herc for John. How the hell had they managed to do that? The two looked nothing alike. They were completely willing to pin the blame on Alex and his distracting kisses. All they hoped was that he didn’t question what had upset Lafayette enough to hurt him…

“What was that for?”

Well, so much for that plan. Herc’s voice wasn’t accusational but genuinely curious as to the reason why Lafayette had felt the need to stab something with their nails, and he sounded so innocent in that moment that Lafayette couldn’t just ignore him.

“It’s nothing,” they said, with a weak attempt at a smile. “Just…”

They trailed off, refocusing their attention on the book before they inevitably revealed too much. They saw, out of the corner of their eye, Herc glance up at where Aaron and Alex were making out. And by making out, they meant small, chaste kisses. But Lafayette was extremely bitter and extremely jealous and extremely willing to exaggerate any detail that would let them justify their emotions at least a _teensy_ bit.

“It bothers you that much, huh?” Herc frowned. Lafayette didn’t say anything, praying that Herc wouldn’t connect the dots and realise _why._  

“Wait, do you…?”

“Do I what?” Lafayette said quickly (too quickly, dammit, what happened to acting casual?). Herc stared at them for a moment before shrugging it off. Both of them looked back down at their books. On Lafayette’s other side, John’s hand moved to rest on Lafayette’s knee as the other hand placed a small scrap of paper onto the page Lafayette was supposed to be reading from.

_idiot. we don’t even look alike????_

Lafayette sent him a sheepish look that conveyed exactly how well they knew they were an idiot. John rolled his eyes, but the little huff he made sounded more affectionate than annoyed, so Lafayette just grinned again and leaned in to peck a kiss on his cheek.

“Why am I surrounded by couples?” Herc mourned next to them, rubbing a hand over his face. “What did I do to deserve this?”

“You are blessed, don’t even deny it,” Alex joked, finally pulling away from Aaron.

“Trust me, I’m not,” Herc grumbled. Alex looked vaguely alarmed, clearly unsure if Herc was joking or genuinely annoyed. It was difficult to tell, especially when his head was bowed and he was glowering at the page of his book. Was it just the stress of his assignment?

Herc looked up to see all four of them watching him cautiously.

“What?” he snapped. Next to him, John startled a little. “It’s kind of hard to do my work when you’re all pulling that lovey dovey crap in front of me. It’s kind of hard to do _anything_ with you guys when you’re all too busy up each other’s asses and sucking each other’s dicks.”

Lafayette’s mouth fell open. God, they hadn’t considered that at all… All three of Herc’s best friends were suddenly dating someone and all four of them - Aaron included - hadn’t stopped to think that maybe Herc was getting annoyed. They felt slightly sick to realise that, the entire time, they hadn’t noticed at all. The silence stretched on for an uncomfortably long time as the boys gaped at the sudden outburst. It was Aaron spoke.

“We didn't realise,” he said, in such a sincere tone that Lafayette vaguely felt like they were witnessing something private; they'd _never_ seen Aaron show emotion outside of sighing or fake-smiling. It was bizarre. “We're sorry. We didn't consider our actions.”

John was watching Herc with furrowed brows, biting his bottom lip before speaking. Lafayette tried not to notice the teeth indentations... and failed. “God, Herc, I had no idea… You should’ve told us, we would've stopped!”

“Frankly, you should've figured it out yourself,” Herc muttered under his breath, looking steadily more uncomfortable. His body had tensed as though he was waiting for a physical blow, and his eyes kept darting nervously.

"Herc?” Alex asked softly. Lafayette glanced at him and… wow. He looked _really_ upset. Were his eyes glimmering with unshed tears or was that the lighting? Lafayette was willing to bet on the former, and all they wanted was a massive dog pile with all their loves so that they could cuddle everyone who needed a cuddle.

Herc didn't respond to Alex, instead nudging Lafayette. They startled slightly. “Can we take a walk? I need to talk to you.”

Lafayette swallowed. They had the feeling that this was to do with their begrudging reaction to Alex and Aaron's relationship. Stopping to exchange a panicked look with John, they carefully closed the fiction novella they had been reading and followed Herc outside.

“It's cold,” Herc said quietly as soon as the two of them were hit with the first blast of air. Lafayette watched him nervously. What was cold? Being inconsiderate of his feeling when all of them were together? Not being happy for Alex and his new relationship?

“You should have bought a jacket.”

Ah. Perhaps it was a literal cold rather than a metaphorical one.

“I'll be fine,” they dismissed. Was it because they were too nervous to feel the  temperatures? The weren't sure, but either way, Lafayette couldn't handle the tension much longer. “What did you want?”

Herc didn't reply immediately. As they waited, Lafayette drummed their fingers on their thigh. Finally, Herc asked, “Why do you hate Alex and Aaron being together so much?”

Lafayette sighed. Ah, the inevitable question. “Why do _you?”_

“Don't make this about me!” Herc protested, eyebrows shooting up almost comically high. When Lafayette didn't say anything and instead stared at him, he relented. “I... like him. And I don't want to lose him.”

“Like him platonically or as more than a friend?” Lafayette asked him slowly, wondering if they were projecting their own feelings into Herc. And if he _did_ like Alex, would he feel like Lafayette's own crush on the other boy would be competition? Not that Lafayette would ever act on their feelings.

Herc took a deep breath, looked Lafayette in the eye, and said, “I don't know.”

Lafayette smiled weakly. It had only been a few weeks since John had confronted them in that dimly lit kitchen, only a few weeks since they had gotten together. And now… now both of them were aware of their crushes on the other two, Alex had started dating Aaron and Herc was admitting that there was a chance that he liked Alex as more than a friend. Why was there a sudden surge of romantic interest in their group? Had John and Lafayette’s relationship, perhaps, been a catalyst?

“But I'm still... still not sure, I guess. It could just be really close friendship, you know? And you still haven’t told me why you’re so against their relationship either,” Herc pointed out, a single eyebrow raised.

Lafayette wanted to tell Herc more than anything in the world. They _loved_ him, regardless of whether or not Herc saw the as just a friend, and that meant they couldn’t lie to him without hurting themself _._ But at the same time, every self-preservation instinct told them to abort, to avoid, to run and never look back.

They swallowed every doubt they had. Herc deserved the truth, even he didn’t like hearing it.

“I like him,” they admitted. Herc nodded as though he had already suspected this.

“I guessed that,” he said with a small smile. “It’s not like you loathe Burr, so there’s not many other reasons to resent their relationship.”

Lafayette took a deep breath. They were grateful that Herc hadn’t blown up so far, but the next few sentences they were mentally planning were pushing their luck.

“That’s not all,” they added, watching Herc nervously. He hummed, gesturing for them to continue. “I... like you too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaagghhhh this wasnt planned what am i doing HELP
> 
> I swear alex was supposed to be the next person to enter the relationship?? idk man i dont control the characters like you think i do


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love pain

-THEM-

Herc’s eyes widened for a moment, and the silence stretched on just long enough for it to be painful.

“Are you joking?” Herc asked finally, recovering from his initial surprise and narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

Lafayette shook their head. They understood why he thought so; if Herc had been dating John and then confessed to liking both them _and_ Alex, they’d be a little sceptical too. They smiled cautiously when Herc didn’t reply, the gears clearly working in his head.

“You’re joking,” Herc decided finally. When Lafayette opened their mouth to argue, he held up a hand, shaking his head. “No, you’re joking. What the fuck, Laf? That’s not funny, that’s not something you get to joke about!”

“I’m _not_ joking,” Lafayette insisted. “Herc, please-” They reached out to place their hand on Herc’s forearm but he stepped back, lips curled with disgust. His eyes flickered up and down Lafayette’s frame with unadulterated hate and, when he finally met their eyes, his gaze was cold and distant. Lafayette flinched under their glare.

“Please,” they tried again but Herc shook his head.

“Save it, Lafayette,” he said, sparing them one last glance before walking away into the night.

Herc _never_ called them ‘Lafayette’.

And, as they watched the love of their life walk away from them, Lafayette couldn’t help but get the feeling that this particular fuck-up was irreversible. God, why had they thought it was a good idea to tell Herc? It was pure luck that John had reciprocated their feelings, the rare aligning of stars that would happen once in a lifetime, and they had been stupid enough to draw confidence from what was nothing more than a mere coincidence. And because of it, they had ruined one of their friendships.

They tried to take a breath but it caught in their throat. Vaguely, Lafayette was aware of the erratic thumping of their heart, the blood rushing in their ears, the blurring of their vision. No, they couldn’t have a panic attack now, not out here-

But their desperation to be fine again only propelled them further, until every breath was being ripped from their lungs with herculean effort. It was only when their hands came up to hide their face when they realised they were shaking.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Lafayette imagined John standing next to them, wiping their tears and whispering soothing words. John was amazing at comforting people; he always seemed to know what they needed to hear.

“Laf?” a voice called behind them and Lafayette flinched when they realised it was Alex. They could turn around,but they were weak, they were a coward and, most of all, they knew they wouldn’t be able to handle talking to Alex without breaking down. Alex was the last person they wanted to see, not when Alex's passive rejection had hurt more than Herc's had; at least Herc had told them outright that they didn't have a chance.

Deep breaths.

“Oui?” they replied, eyes still lingering where Herc’s frame had disappeared. Their voice shook minimally and Alex couldn't see their tears; hopefully, Alex would never notice that Lafayette wasn’t okay.

“Are you alright?”

Well, so much for that plan. Lafayette rubbed the remainders of their tears away roughly. It simply wouldn’t do to worry Alex. There wasn’t any point in _both_ of them being upset.

“I’m fine,” they replied weakly. “Mostly.”

They heard footsteps and closed their eyes against the inevitable. It was no use; Alex gently tapped their eyelids, a silent signal for them to open their eyes, and how could Lafayette say no? Their eyes fluttered open, finally meeting Alex’s gaze. When they saw the concerned look on his face, they collapsed against the wall, bricks snagging the back of their shirt.

 _“Fuck,_ Laf, no, what happened?”

Lafayette shook their head, sobs racking their body uncontrollably. They couldn’t formulate the words even if they wanted to, instead drawing their knees up to make themself as small as possible. Maybe if they were small enough, they’d float away or stop existing and none of this would hurt anymore.

Alex didn’t push for answers, dropping unceremoniously to his knees and beginning to stroke Lafayette’s hair. More often than not, his fingers would snag into a tangle and he would stop to carefully sort apart the hairs, before continuing to scratch their scalp. Lafayette’s sobs quietened and then silenced, as they drowned themself in the hypnotizing feeling of Alex’s fingers. Their head fell onto Alex’s shoulder with a thump, making him remove his hand.

“No,” they mumbled forlornly. “Don’t stop…”

Alex chuckled, returning to his earlier ministrations. “I’ve been told I’m pretty great with my hands,but this is just more proof.”

Lafayette snorted. “Don’t kid yourself, mon amour,” they teased lightly before closing their eyes and sighing. As nice as it was to be held by Alex, they couldn’t stop thinking about Herc. Where had he gone? Was he at their dorm? How would he react when Lafayette entered? Or had he gone somewhere else…? The library?

“What are you thinking about?” Alex asked softly, flicking a finger against Lafayette’s temple. They hesitated, unsure of what to tell him. They hated the idea of lying to him, especially when he had taken the time to comfort them.

“Herc and I had an argument, of sorts,” they began carefully, watching Alex’s face for any emotion. Would he blame Lafayette? But Alex’s face, usually so expressive, betrayed nothing this time as he nodded. “And… I don’t know if I should go back to the dorm.”

Alex hummed thoughtfully for a moment, silent for so long that, when he spoke again, Lafayette needed a moment to remember what they were talking about. “Whatever your argument was about, Herc cares enough about you to not kick you out of the dorm. But if you want, you can stay over with me and John?”

Lafayette smiled weakly, burying their face in the rough sandpaper-like fabric of Alex's shirt. Alex began to trace patterns on Lafayette's back with a finger, humming a familiar tune to himself. The silence was comforting.

Lafayette was beginning to notice the cold as each gust of icy wind induced a shiver from them. But they were too comfortable to move now. The tentative peace they had built up was fragile enough to be broken by any movement and Lafayette wanted this moment to last forever, wanted to pretend that everything was okay, wanted to pretend that Alex wasn't dating Aaron, that Herc didn't hate them. It was delusional, but it was all Lafayette had.

“Laf?”

Alex's voice was soft, far softer than Lafayette had ever heard from what they had always considered to be the human embodiment of a whirlwind, or a hurricane.

They looked up and… Alex's face was closer than they had anticipated. Each puff of breath from him danced on their cheek, a teasing reminder of what they wanted but could never have. Lafayette's gaze dropped to his lips for a moment -soft, plump, pink, _beautiful_ \- before they forced themself to meet Alex's eye again.

“Yeah?” they whispered.

“Laf,” Alex repeated, sounding almost reverent this time. Lafayette couldn't help it - Alex's voice was like the call of a wicked siren, tantalising and mesmerising. They moved closer and a small smile graced Alex's lips, telling them that he approved. Alex inched forward until their lips were just inches away… Close, closer, closer… Alex's hand came up to cup Lafayette's cheek… Their eyes fluttered shut...

“What the _fuck?”_

Lafayette ripped themself away from Alex at the sound of Herc's outraged voice, Alex's nail snagging their cheek in their haste. Both of them stared up at where Herc was glowering down at them.

“Shit,” Alex mumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's so much drama planned?? particularly with aaron and alex. just. prepare yourselves yall
> 
> also, i have a chapter of george's abuse with laf? so like, i wanna post that somewhere in here as a flashback but i can't find the right moment? so i'm probably gonna add some more George pain just so i can finally add that flashback chapter 
> 
> tumblr is lafayettes-baguette and, as usual, thanks to rainyquasars who beta'd this because they're a god


	24. Chapter 24

-THEM-

“Are you guys actually kidding right now?” Herc asked, disgusted. Lafayette recoiled like they had been punched in the gut. They couldn’t handle the way Herc looked at them with such revulsion, like they were shit at the bottom of his shoes.

“Herc-” Alex began, moving to stand up but Herc was having none of it, pointing a quivering finger at him.

“You’re dating Aaron,” Herc snapped and the sudden look of realisation on Alex’s face implied that he had genuinely forgotten about the other man, “And _you’re_ dating John. But here you are, with both your boyfriends upstairs, about to fucking _kiss?”_

Lafayette wanted to explain, wanted to tell him that John knew everything, but the words were stuck in their throat and all they could do was stare at the ground ashamedly. Alex was, for once in his life, silent, only able to gape at Herc as the man rubbed his face wearily with a hand.

“I’m not keeping this from Aaron and John,” he said tiredly when neither Alex nor Lafayette replied. “I’m not keeping a secret this big when it could destroy your relationships. I’m not… I’m not gonna let you guys crash and burn like this. You’re my _friends,_ I-” he cut off, looking exhausted. “We should go back upstairs. John and Aaron are probably waiting.”

Lafayette pushed themself off the ground, quickly dusting dirt and gravel off their palms before helping Alex up. The poor boy looked a little in shock and didn’t seem to have fully processed what had happened. The three of them began to climb the stairs in shameful silence.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” Alex said guiltily, not meeting their gaze.

“Done _what?_ Alex, we _both_ leaned in,” Lafayette pointed out exasperatedly. Their fingers encircled Alex’s wrist in a bid to make him look at them. Alex simply pulled his arm out of their grip, still watching the stairs. In front of them, Herc was shaking his head slightly, as though in disbelief of their audacity.

Lafayette swallowed. Maybe Alex was right. What they had done _wasn’t_ okay. Even if John was okay with it, Lafayette hadn’t even spared Aaron a thought. How would he react? God, they’d feel terrible if they were the reason Aaron had to suffer through heartbreak and pain. They might not be particularly close to him, but no one deserved that. Lafayette had suffered through it enough to know that it wasn’t pleasant.

The three of them finally reached the door after what seemed like centuries of climbing stairs (Lafayette was sure the way down had been much quicker, but perhaps that was just the nerves of Herc confronting them). There was a moment of collective hesitation where all three of them stared at the door with a certain trepidation, but the moment passed quickly as Herc turned the handle.

“Hey,” John said brightly when he saw them enter. His gaze lingered on Lafayette, a silent ‘how did it go?’ that he didn’t dare voice. Lafayette was tempted to convey ‘disaster’ with only facial expressions, but it was a difficult feat.

Instead, they shot him a knowing look and said, “Can I talk to you? It’s kind of serious.”

John’s eyebrows shot up and he immediately turned to Herc and Alex, as did Aaron. Herc was staring resolutely at the wall as though he planned to have no part in their shenanigans and Alex seemed too ashamed to look up. His eyes flickered over to John for a second before quickly looking away. The guilt was evident in that second-long glance.

Thankfully, John stood up without questioning them, quietly following Lafayette to the kitchen.

“What happened?” he hissed the moment the door was closed. “Why are they acting so weird?”

“Long story short,” Lafayette began, unsure if they had even used the phrase in the right way. John would correct them if they hadn’t. “Herc wanted to know if I liked Alex, so I admitted I did and that I liked him too. But then he thought I was joking and he seemed really hurt and, and- he called me Lafayette!”

John looked horrified. “He _never_ calls you Lafayette. He must have been really upset.”

“He was,” Lafayette agreed miserably. “Then Alex came down and started comforting me-” they knew their eyes were still puffy and red but thankfully, John didn’t push for details and only offered a sympathetic smile, “-and then he leaned in and I leaned in too… And Herc came back and found us.”

“Today is _not_ Herc’s day,” John mumbled under his breath. “Honestly, it’s _none_ of our days.”

“He said he wasn’t going to keep…well, everything, a secret from you and Aaron,” Lafayette finished.

“Aaron!” John gasped suddenly. “I forgot about Aaron! Alex almost _cheated_ on him!”

“He probably knows by now,” Lafayette said morosely, stepping forward to drop his head onto John’s shoulder. John’s hands rested on Lafayette’s hips, thumbs slipping past the waistline of their jeans to rub circles into their hipbones.

“He’s going to hate me.”

“Who’s going to hate you, baby?”

“Aaron. Herc. Alex. All of them.”

“First of all, Alex has no damn right to hate you if he leaned in too. Secondly, we can explain the situation to Herc-” Lafayette pulled away, alarmed, but John quickly soothed them by running his hand up and down their arm. “-Not the whole thing, just that we’re poly and I’m okay with you almost kissing Alex. I’m just a little upset that you didn’t get to kiss him. And that _I_ didn’t get to kiss him.”

“And Aaron?” Lafayette asked, feeling like a child who needed gratification from their mother before entering a kindergarten class for the first time. God, why did they always make John take care of them so much? He was going to get tired of them at some point.

“Aaron would need to actually have emotions to hate someone,” John joked. Lafayette snorted. “I doubt Aaron would hate you. He might be a little upset, sure, but he wouldn’t blame you for Alex’s bad decision-making.”

Lafayette opened their mouth to reply but was cut off by a knock at the kitchen door, making them both startle. They glanced at it, then at each other, before John called out, “One sec!”

“Shit,” Lafayette mumbled. “Shit, shit, shit.”

John ran a hand through his hair, freeing the strands from the confines of his hair tie. For a second, Lafayette forgot about the predicament they had managed to find themself in and was distracted by John’s hair. He rarely wore his hair down, usually keeping it in a tight pony at the bottom of his head. John said he didn’t like the strands getting in his face when he was trying to go about with his daily activities. But he looked gorgeous enough that Lafayette could stop thinking about what was probably the trickiest situation they ever found themself in, and _surely_ that had to count for something.

“What do we tell them?” John asked, looking worried. “What’s our story? What about Alex and Aaron’s relationship?”

Lafayette didn’t have an answer, and they knew John didn’t either. The two stood in silence for a moment, contemplating possible courses of action. So far, there were none. After struggling to come up with anything that might have helped them, Lafayette decided to switch their attention to Alex.

“He leaned in,” they stated. When they saw John’s brow furrow in confusion, they elaborated, “Alex.”

“So he was definitely interested in you,” John said, sounding thoughtful. “Hm, that makes sense. No wonder he wouldn’t look me in the eye. He thinks he almost made out with my date-mate without my knowledge.”

“Date-mate?” Lafayette asked curiously.

John shrugged in a weak attempt to look casual, but the facade was ruined by the way he was carefully watching Lafayette, shoulders tensed as he tried to discern their reaction. “Well, you’re using they/them pronouns and I didn’t want to call you my boyfriend, and I heard someone use the term for their significant other, and the only other alternative I could think of was ‘lover’, which makes us sound like two married people having a torrid affair in the 1800s, but it’s okay if you don’t want me to call you that, if it’s, like, offensiv-”

Lafayette watched John continue to speak nervously. He sounded like Alex, which showed just how anxious he was about gender-neutral terminology. It was strange, seeing someone be so concerned about Lafayette’s feelings and opinions on a single word. George certainly wouldn’t hav-  
They cut the thought off before they could complete it.

“You’re rambling,” Lafayette pointed out with a fond smile, making John’s mouth finally snap shut.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “I sound like Alex.”

Lafayette laughed. “I was just thinking that. Say it again.”

“I sound like Alex?”

“No, the… the word.”

“Oh,” John said, realisation dawning on his face like the sun after a long winter of dark nights and cloudy skies. The process of John’s face lighting up was a beautiful one - his skin seemed to glow in tandem to his excitement, his smile was almost child-like and there was a gleam in his eyes. “Date-mate?”

Lafayette smiled slowly. The word sounded good; perhaps it was the small remains of John’s southern accent, but the way the syllables rolled of his tongue was beautiful.

Lafayette smiled, dropping a kiss onto John’s forehead. “Je t’aime.” John didn’t answer but he pressed his lips against Lafayette’s carefully; who needed words when you could convey everything through touch?

For the second time since their first kiss, Lafayette and John found themselves holding each other in a kitchen, trying their utmost best to keep their heads above the water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here, have a little fluff before everything goes to shit. 
> 
> tumblr is [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)
> 
> (beta'd by [rainyquasars](http://www.rainyquasars.tumblr.com), check out their stuff!)


	25. Chapter 25

-THEM-

Lafayette wasn’t sure how long they were standing there, but after a moment, someone knocked on the door again.

“Okay,” John said, looking harried. “Okay, okay, okay. We’ll just tell them we’re poly. And that I know about… fuck, do we tell them we have a crush on Alex?” 

“Oui,” Lafayette said firmly before pausing. It was impossible to foresee Alex’s reaction; What if he reciprocated their feelings but didn’t want to enter a polyamorous relationship? How would that affect their friendship? “Uh, maybe?”

“We should,” John said, glancing nervously at the door. “Are we telling them about Herc too?”

Lafayette shook their head. “He seemed really pissed when I told him I liked him. I doubt he’ll be too pleased.”

Just thinking about the disgust that had been etched onto Herc’s face was enough to make Lafayette want to curl into a ball and hide from everyone.

“So, we’re poly, you like Alex but we understand that he’s in a relationship and may not want to date another person. We respect his decision, regardless. And we’re extremely sorry about not considering Aaron’s feelings in this… mess.”

“Sounds about right,” Lafayette agreed. There was a lump in their throat that was making it difficult to breathe. They couldn’t help but feel like their relationship with all three boys was on the line here, and one wrong step would ruin what had been the closest bond Lafayette had ever formed. They blinked, willing themself not to cry. This was neither the time nor the place.

“Babe?”

Lafayette smiled at the endearment. “Yeah?”

John intertwined their hands, using his hold to pull Lafayette closer and press a kiss to their lips. They would never get tired of John’s kisses.

“We’ll get through it,” John promised them, eyes bright and freckles standing out against the dim kitchen light. He was everything Lafayette was willing to fight for, everything they had ever wanted, everything they had thought they didn’t deserve. And by god, they weren’t going to let him slip away.

“We’ll get through it,” they agreed.

They shared another kiss, and all too soon, Lafayette was swallowing their misgivings away, striding towards the door and pulling it open with more vigour than was strictly necessary. Alex was standing on the other side, looking startled at their aggression.

“Sorry,” they said, dropping their gaze.

“It’s alright,” Alex replied immediately, shifting from one foot to another. He didn’t add anything. It was strange, seeing Alex have an opportunity to speak and not taking it. He was always in motion, always moving and talking and making his presence known. Now, his back was hunched over and he seemed to be making himself as small as possible.

When Lafayette glanced at John for help, he shrugged helplessly and seemed all too willing to not get involved. They curled their hands into a fist, digging their nails into the soft flesh of their palms.

“Um, so,” they began, hoping to prompt either males in the room. The silence stretched on. “I’m guessing we need to talk, oui?”

“Obviously,” John replied. Lafayette shot them a playfully scolding look.

“No time for your sass right now, Jonathan.”

Lafayette had hoped the joking interactions would break some of the tension that was threatening to suffocate the room, hanging in the air like deadly smoke and shoving itself down their throats to choke them. Unfortunately, it did the opposite, and Alex seemed even more uncomfortable.

No one said anything for a moment. Lafayette’s heart was beating wildly, thumping against their ribcage so loudly they were sure every occupant in the room could hear them. God, they just wanted this to be _over._ Knowing that they had potentially destroyed one of their closest friendships irreversibly was already difficult enough to handle, but _waiting_ to know the results was even worse. But since neither John nor Alex seemed particularly eager to speak up, it looked like Lafayette was going to have to be the one to take this horse by the reigns.

“Alex, did you want to kiss me earlier?” they asked bluntly.

Alex seemed too flustered to speak for a moment - a true testimony to the severity of the situation - but he quickly managed to regain the one skill that he favoured above all else. “I… yes. I can’t lie to either of you. Yes, I wanted to kiss you. And I’m so, so, so sorry, John, I _know_ it’s wrong because you guys are dating-”

“Alex, slow down,” John interrupted, stepping closer until his side was brushing Lafayette’s. “We’re poly. Laf already told me they like you-” a small part of Lafayette trilled when they were referred to in third person with the correct pronouns, “-and I already told them it’s okay.”  

Alex was staring at the two of them, mouth opening and closing silently. John’s hand slipped into Lafayette’s own, squeezing in an unspoken show of support. Lafayette felt their breath quicken. Alex had already been so understanding of everything that made Lafayette different, unique, _weird._ Was this the final straw?

Finally, Alex laughed. The sound, familiar and warm, made both Lafayette and John sag in relief.

“Oh god, that makes everything easier,” Alex said, finally looking John in the eye for the first time since the entire situation had began. Although John hadn’t said anything, they guessed that the lack of eye contact had probably bothered the South Carolinian. “I, wow. Great.”

“Yeah,” Lafayette nodded, grinning. “You okay?”

“Perfect,” Alex replied. He looked it too. “So, if, hypothetically, I wanted to date Laf…” he trailed off, looking at John hopefully.

Lafayette winced when they felt John tense beside them. They hadn’t anticipated this. Sharing an unrequited crush with your date-mate was one thing, but would watching said crush interact with said date-mate become too painful? Was it _fair_ to put John through that?

“That’s fine,” John said after a pause, smile clearly forced. The crinkle that always appeared at the outer corners of his eyes when he smiled wasn’t present, and his eyes seemed empty. “That’s great.”

Alex clearly picked up the clues on John’s body language. Surprisingly. “Hey, no, it’s okay if that’s alright, don’t feel like you _need_ to-”

“I like you,” John blurted out ungracefully, and suddenly, Lafayette was being taken back to that fateful movie night, where they and John were sitting on the kitchen floor, whispering so as not to wake up the others. ‘I like you’, John had said at that time too. Lafayette thought that, maybe, they should be jealous that those words were being repeated to another, but they only felt their heart swell.

Alex looked shell-shocked for the second time in five minutes. Now it was Lafayette who was squeezing John’s hand in comfort and support. They found themself praying to every god they had never believed in, hoping that Alex would reciprocate John’s feelings, that all three of them could work something out. Maybe it was unlikely, but stranger things had happened.

Alex opened his mouth to say something but was abruptly cut off by John, who clearly felt pressured to let out everything he wanted to say before Alex made a decision.

“Obviously, I don’t want to pressure you into anything, and it’s fine if you want to be in a relationship with Lafayette and not want anything to do with me, and-”

“Shut up,” Alex interrupted, and Lafayette’s breath was caught in their throat because they were _so sure_ Alex had just rejected John. But then they noticed the smile that was blooming on Alex’s face, bright and happy, hiding the darkening bags drooping underneath his eyes. They let themself relax a little. Maybe, just maybe, this would be okay. Maybe they could sort something out. For a second, they let themself imagine a future where they could call both Alex and John their own.

“The roles have reversed, huh?” Alex said dryly, still grinning when he turned to Lafayette. They cocked an eyebrow, not sure what the smaller man was talking about.

“Hm?”

Alex shrugged, still looking exponentially happy. “John’s usually the one who has to stop me panicking for no real reason and interrupt me when I start babbling. Feels nice to be on the other end.”

“No reason?” Lafayette repeated, praying that it meant what they thought it meant. Did Alex think John had no reason to panic? Because _surely_ that meant he hadn’t rejected him.

Alex stepped closer to John, who looked mildly terrified when he saw him advance. But Alex simply took the hand that wasn’t holding Lafayette’s, running a thumb lightly over his knuckles. Lafayette was close enough to hear John’s breath hitch and smiled. Clearly not a rejection then. They were so distracted by the movements of Alex’s thumb against John’s skin that they didn’t see Alex reaching out until he had taken Lafayette’s hand too. Now, the three of them were standing in a circle, holding hands and each watching another cautiously.

“Laf, John,” Alex began, gaze flicking between the two. Lafayette glanced at John, startled. They had an idea about what Alex was about to say, and they were sure John knew too. They hadn’t discussed this part. But John smiled tentatively, and nodded, and that was all Lafayette needed to know.

“Will you two go out with me?”

The hope in Alex’s eyes was heartwarming, and they smiled.

“Of course, mon amour.”

“Fuck, hell yes.”

Alex snorted. “Eloquent,” he teased. Lafayette laughed when they saw John’s cheeks darken as the other boy glanced away, embarrassed.

“Not all of us can get a profession in weaving romantic poetry, Alex,” he replied with an eye roll.

“I’m surprised you haven’t written us long letters, declaring your never-ending love in flowery language,” Lafayette taunted playfully. But Alex went silent, casting his gaze on the ground with a sheepish grin.

“Wait, so you _have?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the pain isn't over, yall
> 
> tumblr is [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)
> 
> (beta'd by [rainyquasars](http://www.rainyquasars.tumblr.com), they're my saving grace tbh)
> 
> eyyyyy at that guns and ships reference tho


	26. Chapter 26

-THEM-

Lafayette was sitting on the edge of their bed alone. Alex had insisted, now that the three of them were together, they should have a proper date, and had ran off to organise something. John had returned to his dorm for a change of clothes and Lafayette… well, they had set out the clothes they had decided to wear, but, well, they were too preoccupied to do much more than that.

They should, theoretically, be happy. They have two of the loves of their lives, ready to dote over them and cuddle them and kiss them and tell them that they’re worthy of being loved. And they _are_ happy, in a way. They’re glad, _so_ glad that the three of the managed to get through the confusion, particularly with Alex. But Lafayette couldn’t manage their facial muscles into a smile, not when all they could think about was George’s words.

God, it had been so long ago. They felt silly, getting teary-eyed because of a small argument they had with an ex-boyfriend. But George managed to worm into Lafayette’s thoughts at the most inconvenient moments, and now Lafayette was too terrified to face the three of them.

How were they supposed to explain to John and Alex that they wasn't _good_ at dating people? How were they supposed to tell them that their only previous relationship had been with George, and that had been disastrous?

 

_-HIM-_

_He's staring blankly at the wall, the words managing to simultaneously wash over him and completely consume him until his brain was ringing with the echos of insults. His hands are itching to move, to smash and punch anything that was close enough. Behind him, George is still grumbling._  
  
_"So you can get off your high horse, because we all know you're going to fail as it is," he was saying. "Can barely speak English but you want to graduate?" His scoff is entirely too scornful and, despite knowing that he should never listen to George when he was in one of his moods, Lafayette wonders if he's right. After all, there were so many students who spoke English as a first language at Columbia University, and yet dropped out. How was he supposed to be better?_  
  
_His hands clench into a fist, nails digging into the soft flesh of his palm. This was what he needs; the sweet release that only pain could provide._  
  
_"Need to get off your high horse," George was repeating._  
  
_For a moment, his mind envisions strangling George, hands on his throat, tightening until his words finally stopped, until his face turned blue, until he was sure that purple bruises would bloom across the expanse of his neck once he let go._  
  
_He feels bad immediately afterwards. This is his_ boyfriend _. How can he possibly imagine doing such a thing to him? Couples are supposed to work through arguments and, in this case, Lafayette had even been the one to provoke him. He shouldn't have put up a big fuss about something as simple as going to the library. It wasn't like he couldn't study in the apartment. Why had he insisted on leaving even when George told him he wasn't allowed go out? It should be George who's frustrated enough to resort to violence._  
  
_Speaking of, Lafayette is surprised George hadn't hit him yet. Usually, most of their arguments would end once George was able to get the anger out of his system and that usually meant a slap or a punch. Lafayette didn't mind. Everyone had their own ways of venting. It wasn't George's fault that violence was the only way to calm him down enough to initiate a calm conversation about what had happened. At this point, Lafayette would already be nursing a bruise or two._  
  
_His mind flits back to when George had slapped him earlier that week. He tries not to flinch. Maybe he should just be grateful that George hadn't got physical yet._  
  
_But even the heavy weight of guilt can't stop him from visualising the scene in which George is vulnerable in his hands._  
  
_A loud sigh drags Lafayette out of his thoughts. George is watching him, lips pursed and disapproving. "Are you even listening to me?"_  
  
_"Of course," Lafayette lies immediately. When had he become so good at lying to him? God, he's a terrible boyfriend._  
_  
George doesn't appear to believe him. "So tell me what I just said," he challenges and there's a glint in his eye that tells Lafayette that he’ll be better off answering immediately, if he doesn’t want to be sporting a few new bruises._

 _But Lafayette has only caught snippets of what George was saying and the pause stretches on for too long as he tries to recall George's words. Before he can even mumble something about a high horse, there's the echoing sound of skin-on-skin and Lafayette's cheek is burning._  
  
_"You never listen to me!" George screams. Lafayette winces when he realises everyone in the building is going to find out what a shitty boyfriend he is. "You're so selfish, I hate you-"_  
  
_"I'm sorry," Lafayette says, rising to his feet and reaching out to pull George into a hug. His hands are slapped away and George is completely inconsolable now._  
  
_"Why do you even date me if you hate me so much?" George asks, completely hysterical. "What's the point in leading me on if all you ever do is neglect me?"_  
  
_"I'm sorry, mon amour, I didn't mean-"_  
_  
"Don't call me your stupid French names," George screeches, face now blotchy red with anger. Before Lafayette can respond, there's a loud knock at the door. Both of them glance at it, then each other, and with a last, mutinous glare at Lafayette, George storms towards the door and flings it open._

_“Who the hell are you?” George asks, mouth twisted into a scowl. The small girl looks taken back, both at the lack of warmth and the tear tracks on his face._

_“Um,” she begins, glancing behind her nervously. “You guys are kind of loud… and we were hoping you could quieten do-” When George sniffs dramatically, wiping the tears on his face, she changed track quickly. “Are you okay?”_

_“No,” George sniffs again. His body language changes suddenly so that he was curling in on himself, head bowed. He looks pathetic and Lafayette hates that he was the one that made him look that way. He knows that George is exaggerating. He’s done it many times before; getting into an argument, dramatizing his hurt, particularly towards others, to make Lafayette feel bad. It’s how he tricks Lafayette into being the one who apologises first. Lafayette falls for it every time._

_It looks like this time is no different. Even if he knows George is faking it, he still wants to take George in his arms, stroke his hair, apologise a thousand times over until the tears dry, but his mind is still caught in the moment when George has slapped his hands away. He wants to comfort him but he’s too afraid of the rejection, and the humiliation that comes with it._

_The girl shoots Lafayette a suspicious look before turning back to George. “What happened?”_

_George’s laugh sounds anything but happy. “Relationship problems, dickbag boyfriend, the usual.” He sniffs a third time._

_“I’m so sorry,” the girl says sympathetically, stepping forward to rub his arm comfortingly. George’s head drops to her shoulder - they’re around the same height, Lafayette realises suddenly - and begins to whimper softly into the material of her shirt._

_It stings a little, to see George touch her so willingly and yet be so repulsed when Lafayette had attempted to hug him._

_“Shh, it’s okay… You deserve better…” the girl is murmuring soothingly, her hand rubbing George’s back in a comforting gesture. Over George’s shoulder, she shoots Lafayette a dirty look that makes him cringe. God, he must look terrible right now; not only did he make his boyfriend cry, but now he’s being comforted by a stranger just because he’s is too afraid of rejection to try and comfort him. Lafayette is reminded of why George’s tactic is so effective._

_Lafayette sits down heavily at the edge of the bed, nails raking up his forearm desperately. His knife was too far away, but his nails were the next best thing. He watched as they snagged the skin on his arm, angry red lines tracing their path._

_Maybe it’ll be for the best if George didn’t have to deal with him anymore._

_His eyes linger on the medicine cabinet where George kept his medication._

_For once in his damn life, maybe he’d be satisfied._

 

-THEM-

Lafayette knew their knife is in the top drawer, hidden underneath the sea of mismatched socks. They could reach over, pull it out now, mark their skin until they forget the past. Just a month ago, they wouldn’t even have hesitated. Just a month ago, they would have pulled it out, without question, without pause, would have cut themself until they couldn’t think outside of the blood on their skin. But that was a month ago. Now they couldn’t stop thinking about John, their sweet boyfriend who would kiss them and hold them and call them ‘date-mate’, and Alex, their newest addition to the relationship, who wrote actual _love letters_ for them, and Herc, whom they had already hurt enough with their thoughtlessness.

Before they could make a decision, their phone went off with a ‘ping’ as the screen lit up. Herc had just texted them. Lafayette’s gaze wavered between the drawer and the phone. They picked their phone up; Herc deserved, at the very least, to have his texts answered.

 

From **HERCULES MULLIGAN!!!!**

_\- hey, where are you?_

 

To **HERCULES MULLIGAN!!!!**

_-in my room, but im gonna be leaving soon. why?_

 

From **HERCULES MULLIGAN!!!!**

_\- can we meet up?_

 

To **HERCULES MULLIGAN!!!!**

_\- sure, where are you?_

 

From **HERCULES MULLIGAN!!!!**

_\- in my room, i just didn’t wanna shout lol_

 

Lafayette snorted. That was strangely endearing, and they had to squash the fondness welling up in their chest before it threatened to engulf them, choking them out until their only option was forced isolation from the other man.

 

To **HERCULES MULLIGAN!!!!**

_\- coming in a sec, i just need to do something_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY, NEXT CHAPTER IS THE HERC ANGST I'VE BEEN PROMISING FOR SO MANY CHAPTERS NOW!! also, it's gonna be herc-centric, because that's even more painful and i dont want you guys being happy for too long, ya know
> 
> beta'd by [rainyquasars](http://www.rainyquasars.tumblr.com), my saviour
> 
> tumblr is [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com)
> 
> also, in case you guys missed it in the notes of god knows how many chapters, [c'est moi](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6475903) is an _amazing_ read if you want some cute ot4 pining fics!


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FINALLY UPDATED AFTER A MONTH 
> 
> a few things about this chapter: 
> 
> 1) herc calls him mother 'mam', with more of an irish accent than he usually speaks with
> 
> 2) His sister has been accepted into a grammar school, which my lovely beta just made me realise doesn't actually exist in america (or maybe has a different name?), so i'll explain: Grammar schools are (usually state) schools that accept students based on ability. At the age of ten or eleven, kids who want to go to a grammar school will do an exam that will determine whether they are good enough to go to a grammar school. Because his sister got accepted, it means she's one of the cleverest kids in the country, and grammar school kids usually do better in further education, so there's good reason for the family to be excited/celebrating
> 
> 3) i wouldn't have updated this for probably another month if it hadn't been for four people 
> 
> alexangery ([tumblr](http://www.alexangery.tumblr.com), [ao3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/alexanger/pseuds/alexanger)), whose [2's my favourite 1](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7579648) fic blew my mind and got me hyped up again just when i was considering leaving the hamilton fandom
> 
> perhaps-im-indecisive/theother51 ([ao3](http://archiveofourown.org/users/theother51/pseuds/theother51), [tumblr](http://www.perhaps-im-indecisive.tumblr.com)), whose inhumanely fast updates were the highlights of my day, and who patiently reads through my million messages analysing every little detail without getting annoyed. also, he has the nerve to like my fic??? rude. he wrote The Balance Shifts EP, and the Events Preceding and Following Its Release. laf/herc/aaron set in the music industry, with laf and aaron collaborating on an EP and herc as a music coach. if that doesn't persuade you, then i don't know what will. read it [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7793986)
> 
> musicofthenight (can't find their tumblr but their ao3 is [here](http://archiveofourown.org/users/musicofthenight/pseuds/musicofthenight)  
> ), whose fic [Nap Time](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7749214) was a++, and who indulged my long ass comments and analysis
> 
> (all three of these people constantly write at a Hamilton speed, which kinda motivated me to write ONE chapter, because i'm smol and pathetic and nothing like hamilton)
> 
> and, of course, the beta who regularly saves my life, [fillertexted](http://www.fillertexted.tumblr.com)  
> (previous url was rainyquasars). [their ao3 is here](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fillertexted/pseuds/fillertexted)
> 
> 4) and since i'm already making my brain explode with the amount of links crammed into such a small place, i might as well add my own tumblr, which is [lafayettes-baguette](http://www.lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com). send me headcanons, short prompts, opinions, anything!

-THEM-

Herc took a deep breath, clenching and unclenching his fists in an attempt to calm himself. He couldn't remember the last time he had been so nervous. Laf was on their way, and it was too late to turn back. Instead of think of worst-case scenarios, he tried to focus on not emptying the contents of his stomach.

When he had heard Laf and John were dating, he felt like his entire world had been turned upside down. He had spent so much time convinced that his friends were off-limits that he hadn't even considered the possibility of them dating each other. It had hurt, admittedly; repressing feelings for not one, but three people was draining, and it made him slightly bitter to know that they didn't have the same issue.

And then he heard that Alex was dating Aaron, and he had been gutted, but resigned. The new relationship had only cemented the fact that Alex was completely off-limits to him, and, in a way, he thought it was better off that way. At least now, he had no excuse not to get over his ridiculous pining.

But _fuck,_ none of it had hurt as much as seeing all three of them together.

So he had made a promise to himself. He would be completely honest and tell them how he felt about them.

It’d be terrifying, Herc thought as he slowly went through his breathing exercises, but at least he’d know whether or not he had a chance. And if he didn't… well, at least he would get the opportunity to finally get over it.

There was a soft knock at the door, so much more different than the way Laf usually barged into the room in a flurry of boisterous energy and spitfire French.

“Come in?” Herc called out, bemused. Laf hadn't knocked on his door since their first year of rooming together.

The door opened slightly, and Laf's face appeared with a wry smile. “That sounded more like a question than an instruction, mon ami.”

Herc loved the way Laf spoke French, even when it was just a phrase slipped into an English sentence. They sounded so much more comfortable when speaking their native language, tongue rolling effortlessly and fluently. Unfortunately, this endearing quality made the entire situation even more difficult for Herc.

“You're the one who's suddenly knocking on my door like a civilised human being,” Herc teased. Laf pulled a face before crossing the room and settling on the space next to Herc. Their fingers went out almost immediately, searching for something to fiddle with, before playing with the corner of Herc's pillow. They didn't say anything, didn't even look at him.

Something was wrong. Laf had been too subdued when they had come in, and now they were refusing to make eye contact and fidgeting. Herc didn't know what it is, but it took mere seconds for him to decide that he wasn't going to add more to Laf's plate. They were clearly bothered with something else, and Herc didn't need to become another problem for them to deal with.

“Hey,” Herc said gently when Laf still hadn't looked at him. Laf's eyes flickered up to meet his, but they seemed to only be able to maintain eye contact for a few seconds, because almost immediately, they trained their gaze on a spot over Herc's shoulder. “Are you alright? You're acting a bit… weird.”

“I'm fine,” was Laf's response, with a distant smile that gave them the impression that they weren't really _there_ for the conversation. “You wanted something?”

“It's not important.” When Laf gave him a sceptical look, Herc placed a hand over Laf's and repeated, “What _is_ important is whatever's bothering you this much.”

“It's honestly not a big deal,” Laf told him with a hollow laugh. “I’m just being dramatic.”

Herc didn't say anything, waiting. Whatever was upsetting Laf was _big,_ and he got the feeling that they would give in to the need to vent if he waited long enough. Laf and Alex were similar in that regard; neither wanted to 'burden’ a friend, and would need proof that the other person _cared_ before they would trust someone with their emotions.

So he waited, and the two of them sat in silence for a while. Minutes must have ticked away but it felt like all concept of time and space had been obliterated in that moment, as Herc catalogued every minor detail of Laf’s face, from the little crease in their forehead, to the mole on the side of their pinky finger, to the way the sunlight from the window caught their curls, glowing a lighter brown from the rest of their hair.

It was distorting, spending so long waiting for something in still silence, and Herc felt like a limb could be missing and he wouldn't even noticed, because he was so unattached from his body. It was like wandering alone through an abandoned church, or a quiet gas station at night in the middle of nowhere. His whole sense of reality had been warped, and experiencing such a feeling in a setting that was so familiar to him made him slightly dizzy.

“I love Alex and John,” Laf said suddenly after around ten minutes of silence. Herc, who felt as though his soul had begun to drift off somewhere, was startled back to reality. “I love them, but… I don't know if they will love me.”

“Of course they love you,” Herc said, surprised. “They-”

“They love me _now,”_ Laf interrupted with a miserable frown, now picking at a bit of loose skin on their finger. “But… I'm bad at relationships. The only real relationship I've ever been in is with George, and…” They trailed off, blinking quickly. “Well, I was a pretty shitty date. I upset him a lot, and he'd always tell me that I never showed that I cared. He'd plan all these amazing dates and presents, but all I could ever think up was a boring dinner and movie. I didn't know how to be original, and he got bored of me really quickly. And I could never tell when he was upset, or what I had done to upset him.” Laf finally looked up, face scrunched in pain and misery as they grabbed Herc's arm as though pleading for him to understand. “I don't know _how_ to be in a relationship without messing up. But with two people, that's twice the possibility of ruining _everything.”_

“Laf, George wasn't _normal_ ,” Herc pointed out. It was the first time he had openly spoken about George to Laf, taking Laf's lead in avoiding the topic. But now that they _needed_ to talk about it, Herc had no idea what would upset them even more. “He was… a little messed up. He manipulated you into thinking like that. You're not even _half_ as bad as George made you out to be.”

But Laf was shaking their head, looking distressed. “I’m not saying George was perfect, but he was right about that. Our relationship wasn't just him being a douche, _I_ made him cry. Several times.”

“Did you and George sit down and talk whenever you had a disagreement?” Herc asked cautiously. Laf looked slightly startled by the question. “Did he explain what upset him? Did you have _any_ way of communicating properly after a fight?”

“Well, no, but if I was his date, then I should be able to tell what I did. I'm not a child, I shouldn't need someone to talk me through in baby steps.”

“You can't just _guess,”_ Herc said, annoyance bleeding into his tone. He saw Laf flinch and felt bad immediately. “I'm not angry at you, I'm just frustrated that he made you think like that,” he said hurriedly. “I'm sorry I snapped.”

Laf nodded slowly, brow creasing slightly to betray their thoughtfulness. “And that's… I'm guessing that's how we should've spoken after a fight.”

“It's a good place to start,” Herc agreed. “If you communicate well, you can work through pretty much any issue. Which is why you're gonna be _fine_ in this relationship. Because I'm gonna sit all three of you down and force you to talk whenever you fight.”

“You're the best,” Laf said seriously, and Herc grinned, holding out his arms for a hug. Laf didn't hesitate, launching themself across the bed and into Herc's arms, face nestled in the crook of his neck. He couldn't stop the shiver that ran up his spine at the contact. Laf was too affectionate for their own good, and clearly Herc was too masochistic for his own good. But despite it all, he revelled in the warmth of Laf's arms around his neck. There would come the time that Laf would feel uncomfortable being so loving to Herc when they're dating two of his other best friends. Lord knows when he'd be able to hold Laf next. So he closed his eyes and   rested his forehead of Laf's shoulders.

“I love you,” Laf said, voice muffled. Herc wondered if they could hear his heart threatening to beat its way out of his chest. “You're a great friend, you know that?”

He took a deep breath, trying to fight back the tears that threatened to leak from his eyes. He wondered what about him made him so undesirable that everyone could only see him as a friend. He knew he should be counting his blessings but… it hurt.

Laf finally pulled away. “What did you want to ask me?”

Herc shook his head. “It's nothing. Don't worry about it.”

Laf didn't look convinced, but they nodded. Taking Herc's cheeks into their soft palms, they leaned forward to press two, warm, chaste kisses on either side of his face before releasing him. “Thank you, mon ami.”

“You're welcome.”

They sat in amicable silence for a while, so different to the tense, anticipatory quiet from earlier. It should have been comfortable, but Herc's mind was reeling from the unsaid rejection. Would their friendship ever be the same? Would Herc ever be able to look at his three best friends without remembering how they had chosen each other and left him out? The worst part was the guilt; it _wasn't their fault_ and he felt terrible for blaming them for their preferences.

“I gotta go,” Laf said finally. “We're having our first date with all three of us.”

Herc tried to swallow the lump that threatened to choke his throat. “That sounds great.”

“Yeah, it does,” Laf said, sounding wistful. They were watching him with a strange sort of longing that he didn't know how to interpret. The silence stretched on until it was almost awkward, and it was only then that Herc understood why Laf sounded like that.

“Shit, I'm keeping you, aren't I?” he said, feeling guilty. “It's alright, you can go to your date. Don't worry about me.”

But Laf only frowned even more; apparently that wasn't the right thing to say. “What are you going to be doing?”

“I need to call home. Mam's been complaining that I don't catch up with the family enough and one of my sister's just got into a grammar school, so that's gonna take awhile.”

“You're sure?” Laf asked, brow furrowed in concern.

“I'll be fine,” Herc promised. “Go have fun with the boys.”

Laf stood up, walking towards the door with uncharacteristic cautiousness. Twice, they stopped as though they were going to say something, before continuing their slow path. Herc watched them, bemused. It was obvious that they had something to say, but Herc didn't understand why they was so reluctant to say it, especially since they had already poured their heart out to him just minutes earlier.

“Laf?”

Laf hesitated again, eyes flickering between Herc and the door. They opened their mouth, paused, closed it again, tapped a nervous beat against the wall, and worried their bottom lip before finally deciding to speak.

“I cut myself, just before I came here.” Herc's mouth fell open and he gaped unattractively at the statement. “That's why I took so long. And…if I hadn't spoken to you, I probably would have done it more, and skipped the date completely. So… thank you.”

“It's no problem,” Herc replied automatically, feeling slightly in shock. His gaze dropped unwittingly to their forearm, which was covered with a sleeve. “Thanks for telling me. That was really brave of you.”

Laf smiled at the compliment, a shy, bashful quirk of their lips that made them look unbearably attractive. “I… Thanks. It's just that… I've been trying to stop and I felt guilty that I failed, so.” They shrugged, moving to leave the room, one slender hand already resting on the door handle.

“You didn't fail,” Herc blurted, just as Laf was about to step out the door. “Just because you gave in once, doesn't mean all your effort was for nothing.” Laf looked stunned, eyes wide as they stared at Herc, who shifted under their gaze. “You’re doing well. I'm… proud of you.”

Shit, shit, shit, he had overdone it. He sounded patronising as hell, and now Laf was going to roll those beautiful eyes and walk out angrily. Herc winced, already prepared for the sharp words, but when he glanced up, Laf looked anything but angry. Their cheeks were darker than usual, and they were biting back a shy smile.

“Thanks,” they said quietly, and left the room after sending Herc one last smile.

Herc waited until the door clicked shut before throwing himself sideways on the bed and burying his face in his pillow. God, he was so _pathetic_ sometimes.

So now, telling Laf about his feelings was ruled out, and so was telling the others. Clearly, they had a lot to deal with in their own relationship, and he wasn't going to pile on more drama for them, no matter what his heart wanted. It was okay. It wasn't as though he was going to crumble to dust if he wasn't in a relationship. He could handle seeing his friends hold hands and kiss and go on dates. After all, he had been pining alone for this long, he could deal with it a little longer.

When he finally sat up, his pillow was soaked with tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my brain is still trying to compute the long note at the beginning tbh
> 
> i have no idea when the next update is going to be, but i think i might be going on a writing spree because reading so many amazing fics is motivational as hell


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy this content-less empty-as-all-hell fillerish trash chapter which i'm not at all happy with but w/e

-THEM-

Laf frowned at the clothes that had been strewn haphazardly on the bed. Most of their outfits were carefully gender-neutral, mostly so that they wouldn't be too uncomfortable when they were feeling feminine. Their closet was mostly made up of skinny jeans, button ups and hoodies, but they didn't want to wear that to their first date. Did they have _nothing_ they could wear?

But maybe there was something…

Lafayette owned a dress. It was something they hadn't admitted even to John, Alex and Herc. After breaking up with George, they had burned every feminine article of clothing, as though they could burn the toxic memories that they associated with them. But they had saved one dress that was particularly important to them. It had remained buried at the bottom of their closet, almost forgotten. Wearing a dress that belonged to another woman felt excusable, but _owning_ a dress seemed too real, too tangible, and Lafayette didn't know if they could handle it.

 

To **Mon Petit Lion:**

_exactly how private is this date going to be?_

 

From **Mon Petit Lion**

_super private, it’s in a really secluded area, i don’t think many people even know it exists_

_why?_

 

To **Mon Petit Lion**

_how many people are gonna see us, do you think_

 

From **Mon Petit Lion**

_it's kinda hard to say without giving away the date_

_there's a ten minute walk, but most of the path is usually empty_

_we’re meeting at The Bench, right?_

 

To **Mon Petit Lion**

_it’s so cute that you call it ‘The Bench’ instead of ‘the bench you projectile puked on’_

_but yes_

 

From **Mon Petit Lion**

_hush_

 

Lafayette turned their phone off, hesitating. They had already been dawdling for too long, and the last thing they wanted to be was late. They had to make a decision _now._

With one last glance at their array of clothes splayed on the covers, they pulled out a deep purple dress.

It was good to push themself. They would never get anywhere in life if they always remained on their comfort zone. At least, that's what Lafayette told themself as they stripped out of their sweatpants and shirt. Thankfully, the dress was fairly simple to put on, or else Lafayette would’ve lost courage before they had even tried it on.

They stood in the mirror, heart pounding against their ribcage. It seemed a little smaller than the last time they had worn it, though they weren’t sure if they were imagining that. It stopped mid-thigh, and they cringed at the sight of their knees on display. They’d have to find some tights, or at the very least a pair of knee-highs. But with the exception of their too-dark knees, the dress was… pretty. _They_ were pretty. It made their waist look smaller, and didn’t emphasize their lack of boobs. All they had to do was wear their hair down to make their shoulders look slimmer, and then they’d look as feminine as they’d ever be able to. They could even wear a scarf and cover half their face. With their beard out of sight, they could pass as a girl.

But still, what if they bumped into someone they knew on their way down? They felt a sharp  twinge of anxiety at the mere thought of it. Maybe they could leave their dorm in jeans and a t-shirt, and get dressed somewhere else? It would be a lot more work, but definitely worth it, they hoped.

Lafayette smoothed a hand over the delicate lace of the sleeve, fascinated by the material. It was so _pretty._

Their phone pinged with a notification, and their attention was drawn to the screen, where John’s name was displayed. They unlocked it quickly, reading the text he had sent.

 

**From Mon Ange:**

_Am the only one who’s terrified?_

 

Lafayette smiled. Although they didn’t particularly get any satisfaction from knowing that John was anything other than happy, but it was somewhat reassuring to know that it wasn’t just them blowing things out of proportion.

 

**To Mon Ange:**

_trust me, you’re not_

_it’ll be okay_

_has alex told you where we’re going yet?_

 

**From Mon Ange:**

_No, he’s insisting on keeping it a surprise_

_I don’t know what to wear????_

 

**To Mon Ange:**

_remember those black jeans you were wearing the day we stalked alex at the library?_

 

**From Mon Ange:**

_The washed-out ones?_

_Yeah?_

 

**To Mon Ange**

_trust me, wear those_

_your thighs look glorious in them_

_alex won’t be able to look away ;))_

Lafayette glanced at the time: quarter to one. Time to leave. They took one last look at the remaining clothes tossed on the bed, before carefully taking off the dress and folding it.

“You can do this,” they told their reflection. “It’s not a big deal.”

Fifteen minutes later, they were stepping out of the toilets at McDonalds, thanking any deity listening for gender-neutral toilets as they stuffed the jeans and t-shirt they had been wearing into a small duffel bag. Wearing the dress in public made them feel infinitely more uncomfortable than when they were wearing it in the comfort of their own room. They tugged the bottom of the dress further down their thighs and readjusted the scarf to properly cover the bottom half of their face.

But despite their nervousness, no one seemed to notice. The McDonalds was mostly empty, apart from a miserable middle-aged woman who was sweeping the floor and a young teen, who squinted suspiciously at them and but made no comment. They hurried out, eyes casted towards the ground.

The walk to the bench was, surprisingly, uneventful. They kept expecting someone to call out, to make a comment, a sneer, a scowl, a disgusted look, _anything._ But no one spared them a glance, and they made their way to the designated bench, stomach twisting, with no incidents.

Alex was already there, sitting next to a bulging backpack, fingers drumming against his thigh as he frowned at his phone. Lafayette kept their steps light and silent, until they were hovering behind Alex, who was still completely unaware of their presence. Then, slowly, they grabbed his ponytail and yanked it.

 _“Shit,”_ Alex cursed, jumping up and turning around, hands raised into fists. His phone fell to the floor, forgotten. He looked wild, with one shoulder of his cardigan slipping off his shoulder and his eyes wide. Lafayette couldn’t help laughing.

“Oh my _god,”_ Alex said.

“Calm down,” was Lafayette’s response, still giggling and wishing they had the mind to record Alex. “That was classic, honestly.”

“Oh my god,” Alex repeated, and that was when Lafayette realised that his statement perhaps hadn’t been about the surprise. Alex’s mouth opened and closed silently as he slowly took in Lafayette’s outfit. After panicking for so long, how had they managed to completely forget about the dress they were wearing? They were certainly reminded now, and they felt their cheeks heaten as Alex continued to stare.

“You look…” Alex began, before trailing off again. Lafayette felt their lips curl up, and they ducked their head to hide their smile. “Fuck, Laf, you look _gorgeous.”_

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” Lafayette said teasingly. It was true; Alex had never looked healthier. His skin was glowing, and his outfit was a lot more cleaned-up than usual, with a pair of washed-out skinny jeans, a plain t-shirt and a beige cardigan that Lafayette wasn’t even aware he owned. “Where’s the cardigan from?”

Alex’s smile turned sheepish as he picked up his phone, which had thankfully fallen onto grass and faced no damage. “Had to borrow it from Aaron.”

“And he’s okay with his boyfriend wearing his clothes to other dates?” Lafayette asked curiously. They had, admittedly, completely forgotten about Aaron in the whirlwind of things that were happening at once. Swallowing down the guilt that was beginning to rise, they reminded themself that it wasn’t their fault they couldn’t keep track of everything.

“Actually, we’re not dating anymore.”

All thoughts in Lafayette’s brain shuddered to a screeching halt as they froze, eyes wide. “Wait, what? You… You guys broke up?”

“No, no, no,” Alex said immediately, hands flapping uselessly. “Shit, sit down, I was gonna tell you when John got here, but I might as well explain it now.”

Lafayette sat down slowly, mind reeling as they absent-mindedly smoothed the soft material of the dress beneath their thighs. Had they broken up a relationship? They had assumed, though they shouldn’t have, that Aaron would also be dating Alex, that they had come to an agreement and had decided to try out a polyamorous relationship. But if they had ruined their relationship, Lafayette didn’t think they’d be able to forgive themself. How could they date Alex, knowing they had broken another person’s heart because of it? Watching their crush date another person was difficult enough - Lafayette knew the feeling too well - but getting a taste of dating said crush and then watching him leave at the first opportunity… Poor Aaron.

“I was never dating Aaron,” Alex said finally, hands fidgeting with the sleeve of his cardigan. This statement managed to do nothing except confuse Lafayette even further.  “I mean, well, technically, I was, but it was more of a mutually beneficial agreement than an actual relationship, and, well, he agreed to date me, partially to help me get over you guys, and partially to make you guys jealous, but then when we realised I was so pathetically into you guys that it would be _impossible_ to get over you, so then our plan kind of deviated into making you guys jealous, which didn’t even _work,_ so the whole thing was kind of pointle-”

“Alex,” Lafayette interrupted. Alex fell silent, eyes darting nervously before finally staring at his hands. He was particularly cute when he was nervous, Lafayette thought. Alex was often confident even in situations where a little bashfulness might be appropriate, and seeing him so agitated was surprisingly adorable, if not a little jarring. “How the _hell_ did you convince Aaron to fake-date you?”

Alex blinked; clearly, that question hadn’t been what he was expecting. “Oh, I promised to stop calling him at night unless it was an emergency. I’m officially no longer allowed to contact him past ten at night, up until five thirty in the morning.”

Lafayette began to laugh. It was such a ridiculous and yet sensible concept that they just couldn’t stop the giggles that were bubbling up their chest. They were wearing a _dress,_ out in public, listening to their boyfriend talk about how he fake-dated Aaron Burr to make them jealous, as they waited for their other boyfriend so they could go on a date. How had their life even come to this moment? And as their body shook with the weight of their laughter, Alex joined in, eyes crinkled in joy.

It took both of them a while to reign themselves back in. There was silence for a moment, as they recovered and, in Alex’s case, hiccupped occasionally. People walking by were shooting them strange looks, but it wasn’t until a middle-aged jogger quickly averted her gaze that Lafayette realised why they were staring.

In their excitement, Lafayette’s scarf had fallen away from their face and was hanging around their neck, showing off their facial hair. Their cheeks burned as they tugged the scarf back up. Beside them, Alex peered at them with concern, but Lafayette ignored him in favour of glancing around to see if anyone was going to comment.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Lafayette dismissed quickly. “Where’s John? He’s late.”

Alex twisted in his seat, squinting into the distance. “Huh, he is. Should I tex- Wait, there he is!”

Lafayette turned around, and, sure enough, John was jogging towards them. He had worn the jeans that Lafayette had recommended, and a soft cashmere sweater. His hair was in a higher ponytail than usual, and his smile seemed even more radiant with the sun shining down on him.

“Sorry I’m late, guys,” he said breathlessly when he reached the bench. "Laf, pronouns?"

"They, them," Lafayette replied confidently. John nodded, smiling again. Lafayette thought he heard Alex's breath hitch at the sight of John's smile, and bit back a smile of their own, empathising with him all too well.

“Shall we get going?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.maykool.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/d/r/dresses-half-sleeve-lace-dress-003930.jpg ← this is the dress laf is wearing
> 
> tumblr is lafayettes-baguette
> 
> (can you guys check out my newest hamburr/jeffermads wip??? pls?? i worked hard on it)
> 
> its so cute that you guys are so glad that aaron is okay............but you should know by now that i always give the most pain to my fave characters. what herc's going through is NOTHING compared to what i have planned for aaron in the next few chapters (probably two or three chapters til i mention it tho)


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no sad???? happy things?? cute date? i'm such a slut for fluff, here, have this chapter, it's not well-written but the date is cute

-THEM-

Alex led them through the park to a small, secluded area, surrounded by trees and empty of people. Although the day was rather warm, the shade cooled them down significantly, as they laughed at John’s guesses, that had somehow escalated from ‘feeding the ducks’ to ‘assassinating Cthulhu’. Eventually, they came to a small clearing between the trees. There, a small floral blanket had been placed in the space between two trees, and on top of the blanket, there were several plastic cups and plates that had been placed upside down.

It was obvious from the backpack, the blanket, the sheltered space and the crockery that the date Alex had planned was...

“A picnic?” they asked excitedly.

Alex turned around, arms stretched as though to say ‘tadaa’, his grin bright and breathtaking. “Took you long enough to guess,” he said, before sitting down.

“If one bug crawls on me, I’m leaving,” John stated, but his bright grin and child-like enthusiasm as he bounded over to the blanket said otherwise.

Lafayette sat down more slowly, trying to tug the hem of the dress as far down as possible. It didn’t work; sitting crosslegged made them too exposed, and they didn’t want weren’t particularly interested in flashing their underwear. Finally, they tucked their legs in beneath themself. They were sure their thighs would be cramped beyond all hell by the time they stood up, but that was a problem they’d deal with later. For now, they just wanted to enjoy the company.

The three of them were now sitting in a triangle, each with their own giddy grin. There wasn’t much sunlight reaching them through the branches of the trees, the leaves above spreading out into an endless canopy of green, but the occasional ray of light would struggle valiantly through to shine on Alex’s face. Alex, who was beginning to empty his bag, would screw his face up each time, squinting his eyes against the sudden light as he shifted a few inches to the left or right. Each time, the position of the branches would move, and each time, the light would find him again. It was surprisingly endearing.

The place Alex had picked out was beautiful, but, Lafayette thought, the company was even more so.

“Why are the plates and cups upside down?” John asked as Alex finished taking all the tupperware out of his bag.

“I didn’t want any bugs crawling in,” was Alex’s response, his voice distant as his struggle to open one container took all of his attention.

“But the ground is not even,” Lafayette pointed out. “They could easily climb underneath if they are small.

Alex frowned, a sure sign that he had realised that he was incorrect. Instead of answering, he thrusted the stubborn tupperware at Lafayette.

Finally, the food was all spread out across the blanket, some on plates, some still in their containers. Alex had even brought along an extra large thermos of… tea? Coffee? Lafayette appreciated the effort, they really did, but there was one problem…

“Only you,” Lafayette said, rolling their eyes fondly. “Only you would pack a picnic and not bring any type of sandwich.” Alex had pulled out biscuits, fruit salad, parfait, tuna salad, chicken wings and even a tupperware container filled to the brim with kebabs. But there were no sandwiches in sight. Perhaps it was only Lafayette, but every picnic they had ever planned was mainly - and sometimes _only -_ sandwiches. But then again, their only experience with picnics had been with Adrienne when they had been children, and sandwiches were the easiest to steal into the gardens.

Alex huffed, not dissimilar to a petulant child and looking far cuter than he had any right to. “I was _going_ to, but the bread would get squashed in my ba-”

“Is that _jam?”_ John interrupted, voice incredulous. Sure enough, there was a jar of raspberry jam next to Alex’s bag. Lafayette bit their lip to stop themself from grinning. Why on earth had Alex thought to bring jam to a picnic, with nothing to spread it on? Several small packets next to the jam caught their attention. They looked familiar, and Lafayette’s mind flashed back to the McDonald's he had been in earlier that day.

“Never mind that, why did you bring ketchup?” they asked, struggling to contain their laughter. “To dip our fruits in?”

“You guys don’t appreciate my efforts,” Alex said sulkily. He raised his carton to his mouth, staring at them balefully as he sucked the straw.

“It’s really difficult to take you seriously when you’ve got a drink from the kiddies section.”

Lafayette accidentally snorted, almost inhaling the small piece of mango they had put into their mouth just seconds before John’s comment. They choked for a second before bursting into laughter at the ludicrosity of the entire date.

“Moving on,” Alex said purposefully, though the large grin on his face told them that he wasn’t particularly bothered. “Can we just talk about how gorgeous Laf looks today?”

John whooped loudly, completely shameless as he leaned back to fully appreciate Lafayette’s form. Lafayette felt blood begin to rush to their cheeks, but they laughed, their hand coming up automatically to cover their mouth.

“I could swoon,” John teased, fanning himself dramatically.

“You guys are ridiculous,” they stated, cheeks aching with their wide grin as they watched Alex pretend to faint. “It’s just a dress.”

“A _gorgeous_ dress on a gorgeous person,” Alex corrected. John nodded firmly, curls bouncing in his enthusiasm. Lafayette didn’t tell them that they were terrified their dress would ride up high enough to show their scars. Now wasn’t the time; the atmosphere was too light to be ruined by their inability to stop self-harming.

“Shall we do a toast?”

“With your kiddies drink?” Lafayette asked, still grinning. Alex stuck his tongue out, but raised his carton of juice. John raised a cup of hot chocolate - so _that’s_ what the thermos contained - and Lafayette, giving in to their pleading looks, raised their little mug of fruit salad.

“To Lafayette, the fairest of them all!” John announced.

“To the some of the most beautiful people I’ve ever had the pleasure of setting my eyes on,” Alex added.

“To screwing cisheteronormativity!” Lafayette tagged on.

“To crushing society’s perception of what a relationship should look like!”

“To crushing all of society. Every single person. Godzilla is back and he’s going to squash us into purée.”

“...What the _hell,_ Alex?”

“What? I had to distract myself _somehow_ this morning, and I’ve been meaning to watch that movie for ages.”

“To having a crush on your best friend when you’re already dating your other two best friends,” John said, lips pulled into a frown.

They all sobered at the mention of Herc, and Lafayette felt their lip tug into a frown. There had been something off about Herc earlier that day, when they had knocked on the door of his room. What with the worry of being late for the date and their own slight misgivings about how well they would function in a three-way relationship, they hadn’t pushed, but… maybe they should tell the others. After all, John and Alex cared about Herc just as much as they did.

“Herc seemed… off, today,” they said finally. The other two looked up sharply, brows furrowed in concern before they even knew what was going on. “I’m not… I don’t know what was wrong, or even if I was looking too much into it, but… he seemed a little upset.”

“Well,” John said gloomily. _“I’d_ be upset if my three best friends were all dating each other.”

“That’s because you have a crush on your three best friends,” Alex pointed out, tone dry.

“Who’s to say he doesn’t?” Lafayette said unthinkingly, before biting down on their tongue until they were sure to draw blood. Alex and John were both looking at them curiously, and it was too late to not elaborate now.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know,” Lafayette shrugged, suddenly feeling self-conscious. What if they were wrong? The only thing that hurt more than unrequited love was having _hope_ in an unrequited love. They didn’t want to give Alex any ideas that might hurt him later on. “It’s just… sometimes, he looks at Alex weird, and it just comes across as… well, less than platonic, at least.” Alex's mouth had fallen open, and he looked like he didn't know what to say. “That's just what it looks like to me,” Lafayette hurried to clarify.

John looked thoughtful. “You know… I _have_ seen him doing the whole… you know, lingering gaze, kind of thing.” His lips, previously pursed in thought, now stretched into a wicked grin, and he reached over to nudge Alex slightly. Alex finally managed to close his mouth, but his cheeks were flushed a dusky rose colour that made Lafayette smile fondly.

“Someone's got a crush,” they sang teasingly. “And it's not just you.”

“Shut up, he probably doesn't,” was Alex's immediate response. “But… no hard feelings, right?”

“So you admit he does?” John said immediately.

 _“No,”_ Alex said firmly. “But… on the off chance that anything like that _does_ happen, it won't affect what we have here… right?”

“It won't,” Lafayette promised. They loved Herc, but they loved Alex too and they weren't going to let jealousy take away the gift they had been given.

"I swear,” John added.

And for now, that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr has changed to [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com), in protestation to this fandom's lack of appreciation for my perfect child
> 
> i already have the second chapter written and honestly, i really enjoy writing the cute fluffy parts of this fic, so you guys are totally welcome to send me any cute stuff you want included! i've already got a onesie party lined up, most of the ideas supplied by fillertexted, and i'm still thinking about how aaron and laf are gonna develop their relationship. if i don't add it to this fic, i'll write it as a one-shot that i'll include in this series!


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm,,,,,,,,,,,,, not happy with this chapter, but its been hanging around in my drafts for too long and its pissing me off, so you may as well have it

-THEM-

The conversation continued onto lighter topics, as they argued about coffee, Thomas Jefferson, alien life, and pets (Lafayette was extremely disappointed to find that John was a dog person). The arguments themselves were pointless, but seeing Alex's face turn red as he listed all the reasons why Thomas Jefferson was the human embodiment of the bubonic plague was ridiculously entertaining, and there was something beautiful about being able to talk about everything and nothing under the secretive shade of the trees.

“These lemonade bars are amazing,” John said, crumbs spilling out of his mouth. “Did you make them?”

“Yep!” Alex said proudly. “Aaron can’t cook for shit, so he called me over to bake some stuff to give to some society or other. I stole a bunch.”

“They’re amazing,” John repeated, stuffing two more into his mouth. His cheeks bulged, making him look like some sort of deformed chipmunk. Lafayette’s hand flew out and grabbed their phone from the ground in record time, snapping a quick picture of John and the ridiculous face he was pulling. It was slightly blurred, but still made Alex snort when they leaned over to show him, ignoring John’s dramatic pout.

They stopped talking, and the food was slowly devoured. The kebabs had been demolished in minutes and Alex was slowly making his way through the chicken wings. The tropical parfait, despite having warmed slightly, was particularly good, but after three servings of it, Lafayette didn’t think they could even look at it without feeling queasy. John had finished all the lemonade bars alone, and was now nibbling on a broken Chocolate Digestive.

“Me and Adrienne always used to go on picnics,” Lafayette said after a long silence. They weren’t sure why they were telling them, but Alex had already perked up and John had even put his biscuit down, so there was no going back now. “Our parents were always too busy, and we weren’t allowed to have many friends, so it was always just us two.” They smiled wistfully, remembering the days when they would run down corridors, socks slipping on the wood floor, carrying as much food as their small arms could hold. “We’d steal food from the kitchens, and the cook would even help us. And we’d lay it out in one of the gardens. We used to spend hours there.”

There was a short silence. They squirmed slightly, wishing they had kept their mouth shut.

“Adrienne sounds lovely,” John said finally, with a smile. “Do you guys still keep in touch?”

“Yeah, she owns a coffee shop,” Lafayette told him, face brightening at the memory of the small coffee shop and Peggy’s shyness when standing in front of Adrienne. “Peggy has a _huge_ crush on her.”

“What?” John asked, leaning forward in excitement. Lafayette giggled, giddy with the mere thought of sharing their latest gossip. Peggy was usually the one Lafayette would tell their gossip too, but John was apparently just as good a substitute, considering the way he was leaning in already, eyes bright.

“Your childhood must have been really lonely,” Alex said. His brow was creased, and his eyes were fixed firmly on his carton of orange juice. It was strange to see him so despondent, and the crease on his brow was completely uncalled for. Lafayette frowned, confused by the sudden interest. Alex had never been one to turn away from drama in their friend group, so it was strange to see him pass up an opportunity to gather more dirt. Even John was looking at him strangely.

“Uh, yeah, I guess,” they offered. “It wasn’t too bad though. I had Adrienne, and I was pretty close with my butler.”

Alex still didn’t look satisfied, but he didn’t say anything, lips pursed as he frowned at the blanket. Lafayette shared a concerned look with John, before leaning over to rest their hand on Alex’s knee. “Mon cher, it’s _fine._ It wasn’t too bad. I didn’t need more than my best friend, and my parents supported me financially anyway. It wasn’t some sort of… tragic backstory, okay?”

There was a long pause, in which Alex looked like he was battling with himself. “Okay,” he agreed finally. “I just don’t like the idea of parents being… well, absent.”

Lafayette thought of Alex’s past, of how is father ditched him, his mother died, his cousin that committed suicide. How could Alex have all the people who loved him disappear, and then worry about _Lafayette’s_ past? Despite not seeing their parents all that often and particularly their father’s little patience with them, they had a model childhood, with lots of money, a huge house, and a best friend that stuck with them no matter what. And here Alex was, with a backstory to rival any protagonist's, perturbed by Lafayette’s teen life?

Something wet fell just above Lafayette’s eyebrow, and, thinking it was perhaps a small damp leaf, they brushed it away. But no sooner than they had done so, another fell, and they looked up to see that, through the gaps of the leaves, the sky had turned a sombre grey.

“Uh oh,” John muttered, head tilted up and exposing the long line of his neck. Another raindrop fell onto his cheek, sliding down until it hovered at his jawline, a mockery of a tear.

 _“Shit,_ the weather forecast said there’d be no rain today,” Alex cursed. His face was twisted into a scowl at the downhill turn the date appeared to be taking. Poor Alex; he had always been somewhat of a perfectionist, and Lafayette knew that he hated his plans not being perfect. Lafayette knew they had to distract him, or else his mind would run ahead at the speed of light and assume that the entire date had been a failure. 

“Race you back to your place,” Lafayette told them, grinning wickedly.

It worked. They scrambled to shove everything back into Alex’s bag, but it was much more difficult than taking it out. Their hands keep bumping into each other clumsily, and Alex and John accidentally bang their heads together in their haste. This set them all off into a giggles, and they end up helplessly laughing even as they attempt to fit everything into the bag. Several containers ended up in Lafayette’s duffel bag, squashed between their shirt and their jeans, and John had one Tupperware jutting out of his pocket awkwardly. It takes several minutes, and by the time all the containers are safely put away, it’s pouring heavily.

“I need to change,” Lafayette announced, suddenly desperate. “Guys, I can’t go back like this! People will see!”

Their heart was lodged firmly in their throat, and it felt a little like they couldn’t breathe. Surely John and Alex wouldn’t force them to walk out like this? A date in a secluded space with only their two boyfriends was one, but they couldn’t walk back to the dorms in a dress. It was… too much, too fast, they couldn’t do it, surely they weren’t expected to… god, no, they couldn’t imagine it. Their mind, the traitorous thing, kept supplying them with images of Alex and John forcing them out, parading them around and telling everyone what a freak they were. They _knew_ John and Alex weren’t like that, they knew their boyfriends would never force them, but it was too easy to edit their memory, to replace George’s face with one of their own and relive the humiliation-

“Under that tree,” Alex said, nodding towards a particularly big tree. Lafayette sprinted towards it, where the leaves and branches spread out to block the rain. They shot a grateful at Alex, and received a nod in return, as the two politely turned away. This made Lafayette snort - they had seen John and Alex change in front of them plenty of times, but they respected the privacy they had been given, and changed in record time.

Then they ran. The ground is slippery, making them stumble repeatedly, and they kept stepping into puddles and splashing muddy water on each other, but they were laughing, clutching their stomachs in equal parts discomfort and exhilaration. They ignored the stares of the strangers, clearly bewildered by the three students flying down the street and cackling at the top of their lungs, and instead urged each other faster. Lafayette had never felt more alive, with the rain slapping their face, their hair flowing behind them and the burning ache in their muscles as they ran.

When they got back to John and Alex’s room, exhausted and soaking wet, John groaned suddenly.

“What?” Lafayette asked, startled by the sudden sound. Next to him, Alex began to sit up with a concerned frown.

“I dropped the tupperware,” John told them sheepishly.

This earned him a pillow to the face.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 30 chapters!!! 50,000 words!!! i've never written this much *ever* and i would never have managed it without all the kudos and comments you guys bless me with 
> 
> i don't know if i should have the next chapter with herc or with aaron....... i was thinking herc, since the happiness of this chapter would kinda contrast herc's sad stuff, and ya know, make it more painful. but let me know what you guys think!! i'll be picking whichever one is most popular with you guys
> 
> tumblr is [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com)


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back............. for the first time in three weeks. i was doing what was supposed to be a teensy bit of research on hand embroidery for herc, and i've slowly been sucked into knitting facts and different stitches... and now i wanna start doing hand embroidery again. i still remember a few of the stitches from four years ago. as well as the bitch ass teacher who complained that i was always 'distracted' if i so much as touched the tip of my hijab
> 
> you guys asked for a herc chapter, so the aaron chapter has been pushed back even further. poor aaron. 
> 
> GUYS, I'M DOING THE NANOWRIMO THING!! FOR JE M'APPELLE LAFAYETTE!! i'm on there as h_farah, pls be my buddy, i'm lonely and need motivation to write this fic
> 
> as an apology for the late chapter, i made this chapter quite a bit longer and a lot more painful/gay

-HERC POV-

Herc had returned from the store, and, instead of making a beeline to his own room, stopped at Laf’s room to get the spare keys he had forgotten by his bedside drawer. He was sure that they were still on their date (and the sharp stab of jealousy struck his heart again), and he had been hoping to snatch it up before they returned.

Instead, he walked in on Laf, John and Alex sprawled across the floor. Their clothes were soaking wet and piled on top of the drawer, and the rainwater was steadily dripping and seeping into the rug; he could almost hear Laf's complaints already. Alex seemed to be half-asleep, eyes glazed and not quite shut as his chest rose and fell to a steady rhythm. Laf was facing away from him, body curled up like a docile kitten in the sun, his almost-inaudible breathy snores filling the otherwise silent room. John was the only one awake, scrolling through his phone with his stomach playing pillow to Alex’s head.

The domesticity and affectionate nature of it all was not particularly surprising. Even before they had started dating, they had been extremely close, and cuddle sessions were a good way to wind down after a long day. Herc could almost picture himself lying with them, Alex resting on one of his arms and the other curled around John or Laf. But something was _different._

If his friends were dating, did that mean he was no longer privy to those touches? Surely it'd be awkward to be enjoying time with boyfriends and datemate, and having to deal with a third (fourth?) wheel that insisted on tagging along. Herc had no idea how he was supposed to get through the rest of his uni life without their comforting touches and warm embraces. Sometimes, they were the only things stopping him from giving up and dropping out. If he didn't have that…

John noticed him at the doorway, and his face lit up immediately. He seemed so overjoyed at the mere sight of his presence, and Herc felt his heart ache.

“Hey,” John said, trying to sit up but, upon hearing Alex's grumbles, remained where he was. “Where d’you come from?”

“Shop,” Herc replied simply, holding up the plastic bag in his hand. The wrappers of sweets crinkled, and already Herc wished he was alone in his room, grimacing his way through an ocean of sour sweets and maybe getting some hand embroidery done. Watching his friends cuddle was getting a little too painful to handle.

Except John's free arm was patting the space next to him with a hopeful smile. “Join us?”

And _god,_ it was tempting. It would have been so easy for him to lie down next to them, maybe share the sweets with John and laugh at the different expressions Laf pulls in their sleep. But he knew it wasn't that simple. He couldn't just _barge_ into other people's relationships and demand to be treated the way they treated their significant others. John might have been offering now, but it'd just make it all the more painful when he realised that _wasn't_ something he wanted.

“Nah, not feeling it,” Herc said instead, shaking his head. John's face fell so fast it would have been comical if it hadn't been so sad. His eyes seemed bigger when he wasn’t smiling and _dammit,_ was he giving Herc puppy-eyes? It was like John existed for the sole purpose of making sure that Herc was in as much pain as possible.

Herc pushed away the feeling of regret and trudged to his room, feeling more alone than ever.

Once his door was firmly closed and, after a moment of hesitation, locked, he let himself slump against the wall, thoroughly exhausted. The effort of pretending he was okay was a lot more than he could handle, and he was ready to hide under a blanket and ignore all human interaction. First, he had bumped into Samuel Seabury, and the man was _convinced_ that they were friends, which had ended up with Herc suffering through a life story he didn’t give two shits about as they stood in queue to pay. Then, he had been fooled by the calming of the rain, as he always was, and was stepping out of the store when the clouds decided not to hold back and unleash their rage on him. And after all that, walking in on his three crushes cuddling together on the floor? It was _not_ Herc’s day.

He got out his knitting supplies, as he always did when distressed. He hadn’t spent much time on mindless embroidery recently, what with being too busy with the semester’s work, but there was a certain comfort in being wrapped in a warm, thick blanket, hearing the soft pattering of the rain increase in volume from the safety of his warm room, his fingers going through the same repetitive actions until he could let go of all the hurt, anger, frustration and jealousy, and just _be,_ with no expectations or responsibilities.

He didn’t know how long he spent there, but watching the purple piece of felt turn into a myriad of different stitch types was too entrancing for him to look away to check the time. He kept sewing, and sewing, and sewing, until the six-by-six inch was completely filled and he was closing off the last cross-stitch. He pulled out another material - this time poplin cloth, larger and a more soothing teal colour, and got to work again. There was no need for thought, there was no need for emotion, there was only the crimson thread and the feeling of the needle pricking his thumb like a Sleeping Beauty that desperately yearned for eternal sleep to escape the harshness of reality.

Minutes - or hours - later, there was a knock at the door. Herc jumped, surprised at the abrupt reminder of the outside world, before hurriedly setting down the poplin cloth and his needle and hurrying to the door. He prayed to any deity that was listening that it wouldn’t be John-

“Hey,” John said, smiling brightly.

Dammit.

A small part of Herc wanted to slam the door in his stupid, gorgeous, freckled face. Another slightly larger part wanted to curl up in his bed and cry about the unfairness of it all. But the overwhelming majority of his brain was chanting ‘kiss him, kiss him, kiss the cute boy’, and his fingers itched with the urge to grab his cheeks and plant one right on his lips.

“Hi,” he replied gruffly instead. He got the feeling, somehow, that John might not be appreciative of one of his best friends trying actively to ruin his friendship. “Uh, you wanted something?”

“Can I not talk to my best friend anymore?” John joked, leaning against the doorframe. That, alone, was enough to signify that something was wrong, because usually John would have already strolled in and made himself comfortable on Herc’s bed or at his desk. And although he was grinning, there was a discernible tone of hurt in his words. Despite himself, Herc felt a sharp stab of regret. No matter how much he resented fate for placing him in the worst situation possible, John was not someone who could hurt without immediately feeling sorry.

“Of course you can,” Herc told him, and there was something in his voice that strained to answer the hurt in John’s, to tell him, without actually forming the exact words, that it wasn’t his fault. John seemed to understand - his smile seemed sweeter and more sincere. “So how did you manage to escape Alex’s clutches?”

Alex was a notorious cuddler. It wasn’t uncommon for Herc to wake up to find the small man curled up against him, arms wrapped around Herc’s frame as though terrified that he would disappear. Thanks to his erratic sleep schedule, he also fell asleep ridiculously quickly. This meant that every movie night ended with him trapping someone in his arms and refusing to let them leave (though it was less a matter of _letting_ them, and more that others couldn’t handle the frown that surfaced whenever they shifted in his grip).

John laughed, throwing his head back. The action made his curls bounce, and Herc tried not to become too entranced with the movement of his hair and the way his eyes twinkled merrily. “I think he’s still pouting in his sleep.”

Herc snorted. Alex was extremely expressive in his sleep, and it was equal parts adorable and hilarious.

John settled on Herc’s bed, throwing himself backwards the moment he sat down. He had taken off his clothes from earlier, Herc noted, and was wearing a soft cotton t-shirt that didn’t belong to him and a pair of sweatpants. He looked right at home, with his hair sprawled on his pillow like an angel’s halo and the blissful expression on his face. He looked beautiful, and Herc’s gaze lingered for a while before he shook himself out of his trance and picked up his needle again. Once he started a stitch, he refused to leave it until it covered the perimeter of the material in a neat circle, and this particular satin stitch was especially annoying to look at when unfinished.

Neither spoke for a long time, and the only sounds in the room was steady puffs of breath and Herc’s needle scratching through the poplin cloth. Herc almost forgot about John, as focused as he was on his needle. Every thought fled his mind until there was nothing in the world except the needle and cloth, and the repetitive motions his hand completed without thought. He was so lost, in fact, that when John spoke, he almost dropped the entire cloth.

“Are we okay?” John asked.

“Yes,” Herc answered immediately, tightening the stitch. His satin stitch was really starting to get sloppy. “Why would you think we’re not?”

“I don’t know,” was John’s response. “You just seem… upset.”

Herc didn’t know what to say to that. How was he supposed to tell John that seeing him with Alex and Laf _hurt?_ “Well, I’m not,” he said lamely instead. The needle missed the spot Herc had been aiming for and entered the cloth half an inch to the left. Herc cursed under his breath, and then set to the task of removing the needle without ruining the cloth.

John sighed. At the sound, Herc turned around to see John staring at the ceiling with a face so forlorn that it made his heart ache. “Sometimes, it seems like you don’t like us being together.” When Herc didn’t say anything, shocked into silence, he hurriedly continued. “I mean, I get it, it must be weird-”

“No, no,” Herc interrupted. There was one thing going through something alone, but it was a completely different thing for John to feel like it was _his_ fault. “It’s not-”

“But if you have an issue with our relationship-” John continued, his voice rising in volume.

“I _don’t-”_

John sat up. “Okay, but _if_ you do-”

“Which I _don’t,”_ Herc said loudly. He set the needle down. The last thing he needed was John to think that Herc was _disgusted_ by their relationship when it was the exact opposite, and god, it made Herc cringe to think that, if John hadn’t known that Herc was pansexual himself, he would have assumed that he was homophobic. He wouldn’t - he _couldn’t -_ let John think that he hated them. “I just…”

He was all too ready to deny it, to brush it off as feeling ill, or maybe the stress of due assignments, but when he met John’s eyes, filled with hurt, anger, confusion and distress, the words caught in his throat. He wasn’t sure whether it was the intensity of John’s stare, or the sudden reminder of the conversation he had shared with Laf, but he couldn’t breathe for a second.

_‘If you communicate well, you can work through pretty much any issue’._

Those had been his own words. Herc had never been a hypocrite and he didn’t plan to start now. And so, with a deep breath, he spoke again.

“It’s just… I’m not sure how this,” here, he gestured vaguely towards John, earning a quizzical stare. At least he didn’t look angry anymore. “Is gonna affect me, ya know?”

John’s eyebrows furrowed, to create a look that reminded Herc, somehow, of a raccoon. It was strangely endearing, and Herc had to look away so as not to distract himself from the serious conversation they needed to have, no matter how much he tried to run away from it.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you guys are dating, and that’s _fine,_ you’re actually kind of adorable-” very true, perhaps a little _too_ true, “-but I just don’t know where the boundaries are anymore.” Understanding began to dawn on John’s face like a golden sunrise after a chilly night, and the last of the creases in his forehead disappeared. Herc continued regardless - if he didn’t get it all out now, he’d never be able to say it. “It’s like when you guys were on the floor now. I didn’t know if I could join without making it weird.”

“But you _always_ used to cuddle with us,” John pointed out, and the creases reappeared almost as fast as they had disappeared. At least now it was just confusion; Herc would never have been able to handle John being angry with him.

“That was when all four of us were friends,” he explained patiently. God, this was so much more difficult than he had anticipated. Crushes were way more trouble than they were worth. “But now it’s three people who are dating, plus the one friend that keeps trying to squeeze into their dynamic and ruin the mood.”

John began shaking his head halfway through the second sentence, and by the time Herc had finished, was shaking it so hard that his ponytail fell a little loose, the hair tie reaching the nape of his neck. Herc couldn’t help but laugh, nor could he help noticing the way John’s face lit up at the sound. How the hell did John manage to make him smile even in the worst situations thought up by the devil himself? Perhaps it was a testament to how Alex’s description of him as the ‘human embodiment of sunshine’ was wholly true. Perhaps it was a testament to how much Herc loved him. Perhaps it was both. Perhaps it was neither. Herc wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

“You’re _always_ welcome to join us,” John told him, taking a step forward, then another, then another, until he was standing only inches away from Herc, and then closer. Herc’s breath caught in his throat, and he stared in equal parts confusion and awe of the sheer number of John’s freckles. There seemed to be a lot more when he was standing closer.

But then John was coming even closer, until Herc was forced to lean back against the desk to create some vague semblance of personal boundaries, and John was positioned in between Herc’s legs. Herc swallowed, unsure of what to do or say, and instead of letting his gaze drop to John’s lips as he so desperately wanted to do so, he looked away, gaze fixed on the wall. What the hell was John doing?! He wanted to ask, to demand answers, to find out if John was mocking him or if he was drunk or if there was some other reasonable explanation for the strange phenomenon.

“Seriously,” John said quietly, and _god,_ Herc could feel his breath tickling his own cheek. It was getting harder to keep looking away. From his peripheral vision, he could see John leaning in even more. “You’re always welcome to join us.”

Herc was sure their heart stopped beating. He opened his mouth to say something - though he wasn’t sure what - when the door opened to reveal Laf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol how gay
> 
> fanart made by [shakespearesocks](http://shakespearesocks.tumblr.com)!!! link is [here](http://shakespearesocks.tumblr.com/post/153727927682/youre-always-welcome-to-join-us-john-told-him%0A)! it's gorgeous, and i'm seriously in love!
> 
> [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com)


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nanowrimo is whooping my ass but if it means i get 50,000 more words of fic updated then it'll be worth it

-THEM-

Lafayette swung the door open, expecting to see Herc alone. When they had woken up to find John missing, they had assumed he had gone to his own dorm; the last thing they expected was to see John crowding Herc against the desk. They had only wanted to briefly thank him again for his advice earlier, but the sight they found was much more interesting. Herc was leaning back, but not as far as he could have, and looked somewhat interested, if confused. In fact… he didn’t seem wholly opposed to the position.

But then Herc turned to him, eyes wide and panicked. He looked like a deer caught in headlights (which shouldn’t have been as adorable as it was),and, frankly, it wasn’t completely unjustified. After all, Lafayette would have been just as afraid if they had been walked in on with someone’s boyfriend. Except Herc was well aware that they were poly, and Lafayette wouldn’t have been surprised if he had enough faith in John to assume that he had already discussed it with Lafayette and Alex.

John took the opportunity to press a swift kiss against Herc’s cheek. Lafayette barely had the chance to see Herc’s surprise before John was bounding towards the door, grabbing Lafayette’s hand and dragging them out with him.

Lafayette didn’t say anything until they were in the kitchen, safely out of earshot. They they burst.

“You _didn’t?”_ they said, grabbing John’s shirt in their excitement.

John grinned, unabashed and smug. “I did. I _told_ you I could do it.”

“Oh my god,” Lafayette said, eyes wide with awe. “Oh my god. Oh my god. I have never respected you more than I do today, my dearest John Laurens.”

A smile grew on his face, two lines like a distinctive ‘greater than’ and ‘less than’ symbols appearing on either side of his mouth. Lafayette didn’t think they had ever seen him so happy; they knew that John had a lot of issues that he refused to talk about, mostly surrounding his dad, and they were okay with not pushing for details unless they _really_ needed to. But it meant that John was never quite at peak happiness, something that Lafayette identified with all too well. They knew that, even when he was doing something he enjoyed, a part of him yearned to curl up in bed and never move again. But now? He looked _genuinely_ happy, from the bottom of his heart, like the little lead weight in his soul had been temporarily sucked out of him.

Lafayette leaned in to kiss him, and when their lips connected, it felt like there was nothing wrong in the world.

As though sensing the good cheer in the room, Alex stumbled in, bleary-eyed and confused as he blinked against the harsh light of the kitchen. He paused at the doorway, squinted at Lafayette, then at John, then looked up to frown at the light, before walking towards the coffee machine, grumbling something under his breath. He looked like a bird whose feathers had been ruffled the wrong way, with his hair artfully tussled and his clothes creased and damp. John and Lafayette exchanged a fond look.

“You're going to catch a cold if you stay in those clothes,” Lafayette told him. Alex was still wearing the slightly damp shirt since the return from their date, minus his cardigan. It was clearly uncomfortable, but Alex simply shrugged and made a strange grunting sound.

There was a moment of silence, as they watched him attempt and repeatedly fail to work the coffee machine.

“What time is it?” Alex said, after missing the same button twice. His voice was gravellier than his usual nasally tone, and Lafayette willed themself not to shiver. It didn’t work, and John, whose side was pressed flush against Lafayette's, shot them a knowing look.

“It’s around five,” Lafayette told him, instead of denying or confirming John’s unasked question. They waited with bated breath for the anticipated response - not a week went by without Lafayette, John or Herc turning Alex’s phone alarms off and letting Alex sleep in an attempt to make sure he didn’t end up having a stroke, a last minute effort after hearing horror stories from John's dorm. Although they always made sure to only use this method when he had nothing important due and any life-changing appointments, it always ended with Alex sprinting straight to his laptop and continuing to work himself to death.

This time, however, there was no affronted expression, no panic, no downing scalding coffee in a few gulps before turning on his laptop and speed-writing an essay that wasn’t due for months. Instead, Alex grumbled under his breath again, poking at the coffee machine as though his actions would make it speed up.

Lafayette and John exchanged a look again, this time, one of confusion.

“Did he not hear you?” John asked in a hilariously loud stage-whisper. Alex snorted in disdain as he poured his coffee.

“I heard you alright,” Alex told him, turning around with a proud, but still sleepy, smile. “I just cleared my schedule for today so I could focus on you guys.”

Lafayette raised an eyebrow, genuinely taken back by the gesture. It might not have seemed like much, coming from anyone else, but it was almost impossible to drag Alex away from his work. It didn't matter how big the occasion, if he had work to do, he wouldn't hesitate to skip it. Lafayette had _never_ seen Alex clear his schedule ever. The seemingly small action had managed to shock them into silence, and they stared at him, unable to think of any words that effectively express his gratitude and appreciation.

 _“Dude,”_ John managed to say. When Lafayette glanced at him, they couldn't tell if the light was reflecting in his eyes or if tears were gathering there, but the overall effect was pretty heartfelt. “You didn't have to do that?”

But suddenly, another more important thought occurred to Lafayette. “Alex, you know you don't have to give up your work to be in a relationship with us, right?”

When Alex's gaze dropped, Lafayette knew they had hit the jackpot. They opened their mouth to say something, stepping forward as though physical touch would convince Alex more than their words could. But John's hand shot out to catch the sleeve of their shirt and shook his head.

“No,” he announced. The first thing Lafayette thought was that John was stating that Alex _was,_ in fact, obliged to throw away his career for them. Judging by the panicked look Alex was sporting, as he froze completely, he was not the only one. But then John continued to speak and their fears were alleviated. “We're going to sit down and talk about this like adults. To Laf's room.”

And, upon seeing John's determined face, who were they to argue? And so all three of them shuffled to Lafayette's room.

They ended up sprawled on Lafayette's bed, after Lafayette had forced Alex to change into some dry clothes and complained thoroughly about the wet carpet. It was a tight fit - the bed had clearly not been designed for three adults - but they managed to make it work, somehow. Lafayette's head was resting on Alex's thighs, who had twisted himself into an uncomfortable-looking position where he was leaning half against the wall and half against John. John, meanwhile, had managed to end up with his head tucked into the crook of Alex's shoulder. In a few minutes, someone would shift away, complaining that they were uncomfortable (from the looks of it, it seemed like it would be Alex this time), and someone would need to get up to retrieve a phone, and someone would suddenly remember something they had forgotten to do, and the magic would be broken, but for now, they got to enjoy the shared heat and childish giggles as John's nose tickled a sensitive spot on Alex's neck.

“So,” John said after a long pause, in which all three of them struggled on how to bring up the topic. “Alex, what made you feel like you needed to clear your schedule for us?” He sounded somewhat like a talk-show host interrogating some poor celebrity that had been thrown to the wolves. “I mean, don't get me wrong,” John clarified hurriedly. “It was sweet and all, and we appreciate it, but what made you feel like you _needed_ to do it?”

“Wow,” Alex said in an impressed voice instead of answering the question. “You're actually really good at this. You should totally be one of those people that interrogate criminals.”

Not the exact occupation Lafayette was thinking of, but it made them laugh to know that both they and Alex were thinking the same thoughts when John was trying to have a serious conversation. “Mon cher, you're awfully unsubtle when you're deflecting,” they teased, making Alex huff.

“I was _getting_ to answering it, thank you very much,” Alex said, pinching Lafayette's arm lightly. “Um…”

And he fell silent, clearly unsure of what to say. Lafayette turned their body so that they were facing the ceiling rather than away from their two boyfriends. The new position revealed that Alex's facial hair was growing a little rebellious under his chin. “Would it be easier if we asked yes-no questions instead?” they offered. Herc would have been proud to see them communicating, though it was admittedly easier when it was not their own issue they were talking about.

“Yeah, please,” Alex said in a small voice. Lafayette knew how much he hated seeming stupid, and Lafayette's question had probably made him feel so, even if it was something he needed. Especially if it was something he needed. Merde. Perhaps they were not as good at communication as they thought.

John took charge again. “Did you feel like you _had_ to clear your schedule for us?”

“Yes.”

“Do you feel like you'll have to do it again?”

“Yes.”

“So it's not a one-time thing?”

“No.”

Lafayette chimed in. “Just to clarify, you didn't do it willingly, correct?”

A deep breath, making John's body move with his as his upper body rose slowly and fell again, defeated. “Yes. But I swear it's not your fault. You guys don't pressure me into anything and I'd tell you if you were-”

“We know, love,” John said soothingly. Alex's mouth closed at the endearment, and Lafayette took the opportunity to ask another question.

“Do you feel like you need to put in extra effort in because you're afraid we'll leave you behind?” It was a shot in the dark, but apparently one that hit the target regardless; Alex covered his face with a hand before mumbling a muffled 'maybe?’

“Is it because we're poly?”

“No.”

So it was general abandonment issues… Suddenly, the effort Alex has put into the date and his frustration at the rain ruining their original plans made a lot more sense.  Lafayette had no idea what to say to reassure Alex. Surely, countless other people had recited words of 'forever’ and 'always’, before picking up their bags and leaving. It was likely that Alex wouldn't believe those words anymore. Lafayette had to show him with their _actions._ They had to prove that they, as well as John, weren't leaving now nor in the future.

Instead of telling him this, they picked up his hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it. Above them, John leaned in to kiss Alex sweetly. It was a beautiful view from below, but even more beautiful when he saw Alex's small smile as John pulled away.

"I know you guys won't leave,” he said, and even he believed otherwise, which he probably did, it was okay. Lafayette and John were going to prove it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall i'm going on medication for depression and anxiety and i dont wanna get my hopes up in case it makes no difference but i'm also doing exactly that lmao 
> 
> tumblr is [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com)


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here, have some fluff. you deserve it.

-HIM-

“Uno!” Alex crowed triumphantly, slamming the card down with such force that it was in serious danger of ripping. John rolled his eyes.

“Fuck you,” Herc said, lips pulled into a frown as his hand hovered uncertainly over his cards. “Seriously, fuck you.”

Lafayette stuck his tongue out at Alex, and received a smirk in return. Before then, Lafayette had been the closest to winning, with only two cards left in his hand. But then Alex had managed to put three cards down together, bringing him down to only one card, hence his shout of 'uno’. John still had five cards, and, after a particular vicious Plus 4 attack, Herc was struggling with eleven cards.

“I hate this,” Herc grouches as he set three 6 cards down. “I hate you, Laf.”

Lafayette snorted. He had been the one to put down two Plus 4 cards for Herc, making him pick up eight more cards from the pile and pushing him even further away from the finish line. He opened his mouth to make a disparaging mark, before quickly changing track. 

“Mon amour, you know you love me,” he said instead, stretching out a hand to rest on Herc's thigh. It would not have been an action out of the ordinary - Herc was well-adapted to Lafayette's touchiness - except his hand was much higher up than it usually was. If he stretched his pinky out, he could easily touch Herc's belt, and his fingers were lightly brushing the inside of Herc's thigh. Closer than Lafayette had intended, sure, but he wasn’t exactly complaining.

In his surprise, Herc dropped a card, revealing a Plus Four card. 

Lafayette grinned, feeling successful. Operation Seduction was working well. 

FLASHBACK

_ Laf, Alex and John were sprawled across the floor, wet clothing peeled off, thrown across the room and onto the drawer. Their date had ended several hours ago, and upon entering the room, they had done nothing but peel off their wet clothing, thrown it onto the counter and then collapsed on the floor. They were still there now, too comfortable in the warmth of their bodies to stand up and be production, and they curled against each other, as though arms wrapped around waists and legs thrown over bodies would protect them from the outside world. The soft huff of their breaths and distinctive shampoo aromatics were like drugs that made them dizzy with love and wiped away any memory of outside commitments and responsibilities. It felt safe. It felt like home. _

_ “I swear to god, he's going to be the death of us,” John grumbled, twisting his body into an unnatural shape so that he could see Lafayette's phone screen easier. When he obstructed Alex's view, he earned himself a light slap to the side of his head.  _

_ “It isn't fair,” Lafayette whined, turning the phone back to themself to appreciate the photo on their screen. They had been inconspicuously stalking Herc's Instagram page - a regular incident, if they were being honest - and had managed to end up 198 weeks into his photos. The one particular that they and their boyfriends were admiring showed Herc at the beach with his mother, one arm around her shoulders and his defined torso on display for all three of them to drool at. They could barely touch the screen for fear of double-tapping and alerting Herc to their questionable hobbies, but they couldn't help stroking the screen as though that would allow them to feel the texture of his skin. “I'm pretty sure he's doing it on purpose.” _

_ Alex had been suspiciously silent throughout the whole admiration process. Lafayette had assumed it was because he had been struck silent by the beauty of the photo (Lafayette had lost their grasp of words both French and English upon seeing the way the light shone behind Herc like an angel that had graced earth with its presence), but when he opened his mouth, it seemed like he was more concerned with something else _ .

_ “Are we supposed to just… sit around and wait for him to make the first move?” _

_ John made a confused noise and Lafayette turned to raise an eyebrow at Alex.  _

_ “I mean… I didn’t expect to get this far, you know? I thought I’d be cursed to pining from afar - and up close - for the rest of our friendship, but now I’m dating both of you and I… would never have believed it if you told me a couple of weeks ago. I mean, I took a wildly improbable chance, so… why not take the chance again?”  _

_ Alex had that light in his eyes again, the bright one that warned of a passionate fire raging inside him, the glinting one that showed he was already formulating a billion plans to, the one that had made Lafayette fall for him. It was… impossible to say no to. Lafayette was terrified of rejection, sure, but it’d be a lot easier with two other people by his side, right? They could brush it off, pretend it was a joke, laugh, and then cry together behind locked doors. Wasn’t that the whole point of being in a relationship? Tackling things together and sharing the brunt of the pain? Polar bears had wide feet to balance the pressure on the ice so it wouldn’t crack under their weight, and perhaps it was a little strange to compare a relationship to a biology lesson in a long-forgotten middle school classroom but it fit, just like the three of them fit like pieces of a puzzle that they didn’t know they were part of before meeting and falling into each others’ eyes. They wouldn’t even consider it if they had been alone, but with two people they loved by their side, maybe they could handle it. _

_ “Are you saying we should woo him?” John asked, looking interested.  _

_ Maybe all of them could handle it.  _

_ “That’s exactly what I’m saying,” Alex said. He looked even more excited now, sitting up and almost vibrating with energy. Lafayette knew that he was itching to begin now, and was restraining himself only for their sake. “If he’s not into it, we’ll stop.”  _

_ “I’m still pretty sure he likes you, Alex,” Lafayette added. “Even if he’s not into us-” here, they jerked their head at John, “-we could find a way to make it work. He could date you, and you could date us.”  _

_ “Pretty sure there’s a name for that,” John mumbled under his breath, looking thoughtful. “There’s triads - that’s us - but then there’s V, and then…” _

_ “I know he’d be mine and John’s metamour,” Lafayette contributed. They had learnt the word after stumbling across it a while ago, whilst still exploring poly relationships. During their relationship with George, they also had a crush on one Angelica Schuyler (something they hadn’t admitted to John and Alex, and were not planning to). After hours of meticulous research and nail-biting, they had finally told George that they were poly. He had reacted rather well, telling them only that they could have crushes as long as they remembered that George was their love, and that they weren’t allowed to date anyone else. Lafayette remembered kissing George hard in gratitude, thankful that they weren’t being cast away, and George had laughed against their lips, bright and playful, before pulling away and pressing kisses down their jaw, joking that Lafayette would run off with another man soon and that he had better make the most of it while he could. It hadn’t been until later that George had used it as an excuse to accuse them of cheating, of not loving them, of a thousand allegations that had made Lafayette cry and beg and- _

_ “Laf?”  _

_ They snapped out of their thoughts to find John and Alex peering at them with worried eyes and creased brows.  _

_ “I’m fine,” they responded to their unasked questions. “So we’ve agreed that Operation Seduction is a-go?”  _

END OF FLASHBACK

“Shit,” John cursed. As the person sitting on Herc’s left, he knew he would be the one who would face the brunt of the card. On  _ his  _ left, Alex began to laugh. It started off as a giggle that refused to stop, and slowly evolved into full-blown hysterical laughter, bending over at the waist as his eyes shone with unshed tears. The other three stared at him, bewildered, until he finally managed to control himself long enough to breathe properly. He began to wipe tears away from his cheeks with a wide grin, not explaining his sudden fit.

“Are you feeling okay?” Herc asked, partly amused and partly genuinely worried about Alex's strange behaviour. 

“Are  _ you  _ okay?” Alex repeated, still grinning as he nodded his head towards the ten cards still crammed in Herc's hand.

“Ooh, snap!” John crowed. Lafayette covered their mouth, feeling guilty for laughing when Herc turned to him with a dramatically hurt face. .

“I’m sorry, mon ami,” Lafayette said when he couldn’t handle being stared at with such sorrowful eyes any longer. Herc didn’t look appeased - perhaps because Lafayette was still struggling to muffle his laughter. “If it makes you feel better, at least I don’t have another Plus 4 card to give you?” 

“Oh, yeah, I feel  _ so  _ much better now,” Herc grumbled, tucking the card back into the pile splayed strategically in his hand. 

However, it seemed like Lafayette had spoken too soon. The card that was in the middle was a Green 8, but Lafayette’s last two cards where neither green nor eight. With a pout, he picked up a card from the pile: a Green Turn card. 

“I got something,” he exclaimed quickly before Herc put another card down. They set the Turn card on top of the Green 8, thus changing the direction of the play. He realised, a moment too late, that it was a bad move; the Plus 4 he already knew was in Herc's hand would fall on him instead of John, and if someone didn't change the direction of the game again, it'd be almost impossible to win. He cursed. 

“Well done, Laf,” Alex said conversationally. Lafayette was too busy panicking to even turn and stick his tongue out. “Thanks, by the way.”

“Huh?” Lafayette said, just as Alex set down his very last card: a Green 4.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Herc yelled, looking tempted to throw down his cards in frustrated defeat, over the sounds of Lafayette's loud accusations of cheating and John's incoherent shouts. 

“That's gotta be cheating,” Lafayette protested, picking up the card and examining it as though it would speak to him and tell him of Alex's fraudery. 

“How the hell-”

“-still have  _ eleven  _ cards-”

_ “-fake,  _ you cheat-”

Alex sat through their complaints silently, looking adorably small and triumphant, like a child who had managed to steal the last cookie from the jar. He looks so proud of himself that Lafayette couldn't even bring himself to be bitter at his early victory, especially not when Alex looked sweet and bright in the glow of the light.  Grumbling playfully under their breaths, the remaining three continued playing, with John now setting a Yellow 4 to match Alex’s last card at the top of the pile. It was Herc’s turn now, and Lafayette prayed that he wouldn’t set the Plus 4 card down until after Lafayette had won. 

Herc seemed like he was having something of a dilemma, staring at his card with increasing confusion. Lafayette knew his pain well; the last time they had played the game, he had ended up struggling to keep up with thirteen cards in his hands - six more cards than he had begun with. With so many colours and numbers, it was difficult to choose a card to set down, as well as checking for any other cards they could set down in one go.  

“Here, do you want me to help you?” Alex offered, standing up to walk over to Herc, who, on instinct, hid his cards from him immediately. “Hey, I’ve already won, remember? I stand nothing to gain.” 

Pulling a face at the reminder of Alex’s ridiculously quick finish, Herc agreed. “Fine, but if you tell this lot what my cards are, I’m never letting you borrow Mr Washington.” Upon seeing three sets of confused stares, he elaborated. “The turtle teddy. I named him.” 

Lafayette began to laugh. All he could think of was the  _ real,  _ human Washington overhearing them arguing about who got to sleep with him that night.

“I already named him Salvatore though,” Alex complained, pouting, as he made his way around the circle to Herc. Instead of sitting next to him, as they had all expected, he perched himself onto Herc’s lap, looking ridiculously pleased with himself as he squirmed in his new seat.

Herc looked like he was having difficulty formulating words. Operation Seduction was  _ definitely  _ working  well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is very filler-y? I was going to really focus on the game but most of it ended up being the flashback
> 
> it's pure fluff from here on out!! no more angst!! apart from herc joining the triad, here's the stuff i've got lined up before this fic ends:
> 
> -reintroducing george and explaining why all that shit happened  
> -samuel seabury is a fuCKING DICKBAG but george isn't  
> -aaron, in particular, him helping laf explore his gender  
> -laf becoming more confident in feminine clothes
> 
> and then that's it!! we're almost reaching the end! i'm SHIT at estimates, but i reckon it might be between ten to twenty chapters? i'm gonna miss writing this, but maybe i'll finally finish someone looking pretty and start writing some marliza fics
> 
> as for the rest of the universe, i want to look at peggy's relationship with adrienne and what happened after she got her number, some fluffy shit with no plot for the ot4's dates, a fic showing how alex asked aaron to fake-date him and i'll be writing a few alternate endings! so i'll be picking around five chapters and saying "what if this happened instead?" and writing an ending based off that. thank you to raven4183 who gave me the idea
> 
> tumblr is [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com)


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just really wanted angelica in here okay

“They’re flirting with me,” Herc said, tone thick with disbelief.

“It does sound like it,” Angelica said neutrally, looking somewhat amused by Herc’s exasperation. “I can’t think of any other reason why they’d grope your thigh, sit on your lap, and corner you against a desk.”

“They’re flirting with me,” Herc repeated. His brain couldn’t get past that small fact, and he had been struggling to process it every since that fateful afternoon when John had pushed him against the desk and left him no room to breathe. He didn’t think his heart had been beating at a normal rhythm ever since. It was just attack after attack after attack, and Herc barely had time to breathe before they were upon him again, slowly killing him with soft touches, lingering fingers, and warm bodies hovering just  _ slightly  _ too close. 

Throughout the card game yesterday, Alex remained in his lap. It had been okay, at the beginning, he had grown used to the warm weight, and could pretend it was one of his many siblings again. But then Alex had purposefully shuffled back - he  _ had  _ to know what he was doing - until his ass was directly against Herc’s crotch. Herc had made a strange, strangled sound that he wasn’t proud of, and had carefully avoided Alex’s eye when said boy turned around to give him a smile that was far too innocent to be real. 

Then the game had began again, and Alex was forced to go back to his original seat. Herc hadn’t known whether to be glad or disappointed, and settled for trying to avoid thinking about the incident at all. He hadn’t been particularly successful, and found his gaze continuously wandering back to where Alex was sitting opposite him. Laf and John’s smirks had only made the whole thing even more embarrassing.

Then Laf had decided that it would be a good idea to walk around in nothing but an oversized hoodie that had originally belonged to Herc. It felt midway to his thigh, and the collar of the hoodie was hanging just slightly too low, displaying more neck than it had been designed to. Herc had choked on a Skittle when he first saw him, eyes watering and all. Lafayette had ended up thumping his back, but the close proximity did nothing to help Herc get his breath under control again. 

And then, as though they were each trying to out-do each other, he had came back from a lecture to find John lounging on his bed in nothing but boxers. Herc had spluttered, completely unprepared to see a half-naked cute boy sprawled on his bed as though it was an everyday habit for him. John had looked up when he heard the door opening and shot him a shit-eating grin, before going back to his phone. Although Herc had an assignment to finish, he had turned around and walked back out. 

It had continued for four days, four excruciatingly painful days in which Herc was unsure if he was in a heaven more perfect than he had imagined, or in the pits of a hell designed especially for him. It had become commonplace for them to link fingers with him at any moment, to pinch his cheeks in adoration and then press a kiss to sooth the ache there, to give hugs that lasted too long, and forehead kisses that ended too quick. At one point, Laf had even slapped his ass as Herc was walking away. 

Now, he was in the library with Angelica. She had agreed to meet up with him on the terms that they would study, and  _ only  _ study, without being dragged into an impromptu makeshift therapy session to cope with his crushes. He had agreed, but now, after only ten minutes of reading the absurdly thick book, he began to do exactly what he had promised not to: drag her into an impromptu makeshift therapy session. 

“It isn’t fair,” Herc complained. “I’m pretty sure they’re doing it on purpose.” 

“Flirting usually  _ is  _ on purpose.”

A frustrated sigh. “You’re not being helpful.” 

“And you’re not being helpful towards my studying, but here we are,” Angelica sighed, giving up on the International Relations book she was reading and shutting it with a resigned look. “Fine. Alex, Laf and John are flirting with you. Correct?” 

“I’m  _ pretty sure  _ that’s correct,” Herc offered, sounding unsure.

“Then you know what that means, right?” Angelica prompted.

“That I should run in the opposite direction before I embarrass myself?”

This earned him a mildly disappointed look. “Or maybe that they like you? That’s also a possible option.” 

_“_ _Or_ they could be making fun of me.”

“Or you could be acting like a child,” Angelica stated, making Herc pout exaggeratedly and give her the best puppy-eyes he could offer. It made her laugh, which he counted as a victory, but then she continued giving him adult advice which he wasn’t particularly ready to take. Angelica was all for ‘facing responsibilities’ and ‘taking action’, especially in situations where Herc’s entire being yearned to curl up with a blanket and his knitting supplies until the issue stopped existing. “You can’t just curl up with a blanket and your knitting supplies until the issue stops existing. You’ve got to  _ do  _ something.”

Well, there went that plan.

“That sounds great, apart from the part where it doesn’t,” Herc grumbled, letting his head drop to the book he had abandoned. It made a dull ‘thump’ sound.

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” Angelica asked, her voice strangely soft in a way Herc had only heard twice, ever. “Isn’t this everything you were asking for? You’ve got all three of your crushes interested in you, and it sounds like they want you to join their relationship. What good will it do for you if you pretend it didn’t happen?”

She was right, of course, as she always was. Herc sighed, the sound muffled by the hardback cover of the book.

“It’s just... I’m scared.” It was the first time he had admitted it out loud. He almost backed out, but Angelica looked encouraging, and he had already dragged her away from her studies. He owed her this. “I don’t know how well I’ll fit in with their little group when they’ve been together for so long. John and Laf have been dating for a while now, and they know  _ everything  _ about each other. They know where their boundaries are, how they fit in together, and everything. Then  _ Alex  _ came, and, well, he storms in like a hurricane and carves out his own space for himself. But I’m not  _ like  _ Alex. I can’t do that.”

He sat up, his heart feeling like it was made of lead and slowly making its way down to his stomach. “I feel like I’ll just end up feeling left out,” he finished.

Angelica nodded. “Well, it is a valid concern. But think about all the attention they’re giving you now, and how much time they’re dedicating to flirting with you. Do they look like they’re going to make you feel left out?”

“But  _ everyone  _ likes the chase better than the actual catch,” Herc told her. His voice began to rise in his frustration, and he was quickly hushed by other students around them.

“Maybe,” Angelica said reasonably. “But maybe that’s something you should talk about with them? Everything can be solved with a discussion.”

Herc remembered when he had told Laf to talk to Alex and John, and somehow the memory transformed into the night Laf had tried to tell him that he liked him,  _ more  _ than liked him, the same night that Herc had found Laf kissing Alex on the steps. He had been angry, god, he’d never been more furious in his life. He had thought Laf was toying with him, that he was nothing but some quick entertainment or maybe just wanted the thrill of cheating. And when he found Laf kissing Alex instead... Well, that had only reinforced that Laf wasn’t  _ really  _ interested in him. After all, if Laf had  _ really  _ liked him, then why would he have turned around and kissed the  _ next  _ guy?

Herc thought he knew the feeling of guilt, but it was _nothing_ compared to when he realised that Laf was actually poly. Knowing that he had been given a shot, and that he had thrown it away. What would have happened if he had gone along with it? He wasn’t entirely sure. 

After Laf had not acted on his words again, Herc had assumed that it meant nothing, that it was a mistake, that he didn’t mean it. Otherwise, why would he ignore it and pretend the whole incident had never happened? It had been logical to assume that Laf just wasn’t interested anymore, or had never been.

At least, that was  _ before  _ all the strange behaviour for the past half week or so.

“Hey,” Angelica said, snapping her fingers in his face and effectively bringing him back down to earth. “Does that mean you’ll talk to them?”

Herc sighed. “Sure, why not? But let’s get coffee first.”  

* * *

-HIM-

“It’s working,” John said, bursting into the room. Laf looked up from his laptop, startled, to find his boyfriend in his boxers, eyes bright with excitement.

“What is working?” Lafayette asked. The words scarcely left his mouth before John was speaking again. 

“That stupid operation thing,” John told him, making his way over to the bed and nudging Lafayette to make him move up. Lafayette did so, but not without a healthy dose of grumbling.

“Once again,” Lafayette said patiently, turning back to his laptop to continue the assignment that was going to be late, if he didn't speed-write the hell out if the conclusion. “'Operation Seduction’ is a perfect name.”

“Sorry, darling, I love you and all, but it still sounds dumb,” John told him, leaning over to kiss his cheek when Lafayette pouted playfully. “But it's working. Herc was staring at Alex's ass as he walked away, and then he just put his head in his hands.”

Lafayette snorted. Alex had been, by far, the most invested in the Operation after being told that he'd be the worst flirter by John. John later admitted to Lafayette that he'd only said it to rile Alex up, but the small man had taken it to heart and was putting even more effort into seducing Herc. This included bending over at any given opportunity, something Lafayette and John were delighted to witness. It appeared that Herc was not the only one benefiting from this operation.

“Do you think we should just ask him out now?” John wondered aloud. 

“I don't know, but I do know that I cannot afford to have this assignment be late,” Lafayette said, still distracted as he typed furiously. “Je suis  désolé  but-”

“No, no, it's fine, you finish off your work,” John said, kissing him one more time. “I'm off to spend more time sprawled on Herc's bed in a position that conveniently means my legs are open.”

“You never sprawl in  _ my  _ bed in a position that conveniently means your legs are open,” Lafayette complained. He received nothing more than a flick to the forehead. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the abrupt ending................ this is very filler-y but also kinda cute so i like it. mostly because it's herc pov and i love herc pov
> 
> anyway! would you rather have the alex, laf and john go up to herc and ask him out, or herc to go up to them and ask them "yo what the hell is going on"? i'm gonna be writing both, eventually, but i need to decide which one goes in this fic and which one will be an alternative chapter
> 
> tumblr is [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com)


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's just say, as a black, muslim, bisexual, immigrant dfab, i am SO glad i'm not in america. praying for everyone who is afraid for their life in the aftermath of this disaster. there'll be a lot of racism, islamophobia, homophobia, anti-immigration and general hate in the streets, and a lot of awful people will be crawling out of the woodworks, so please be careful and look after yourself. put your safety first.

-THEM-

Laf, John and Alex were at the coffee shop. It was, in particular, Adrienne’s coffee shop, and they were mostly only there to watch Peggy distract Adrienne from her work. The two were adorable, and their conversations were regularly paused to grin as Adrienne tucked a strand of Peggy’s hair behind xyr ear. It was obnoxiously, tooth-rottingly cute, and they relished in it.

“We need a firm plan of action,” John said, as he waited for his latte to cool down. John was awful at handling hot foods, and the slightest rise in temperature in his mouth would make him yell out. Five minutes had already passed, he still made no move to pick his cup up again. “So we know _exactly_ what we’re doing.”

“What, so we can make him choke on a Skittle again?” Alex grinned. Lafayette had told him about what had happened in their regular update sessions, and Alex had never let it go since. He had found it _hilarious,_ and was apparently considering suffocation and near death as a sign of victory. Or perhaps he was entertained by hearing about how Lafayette had panicked and thumped his back so hard that it had made Herc groan in pain. They weren’t sure, but they felt guilty for both.

“I told you, it was _scary,”_ Lafayette complained.

Alex shook his head fondly, before taking a sip of the caffeine-loaded drink on the table in front of him.

“What are our strengths?” Lafayette asked, after shooting Alex a disgruntled look and earning a snicker in return. “We all know Alex’s strength is his ass-”

“Glorious, really,” John added with a lewd smirk. Alex laughed, but neither John nor Lafayette missed the way his cheeks seemed slightly pinker than before.

“And his eyes,” Lafayette continued, as though they hadn’t been interrupted. “Give him all the puppy-eyes in the world, until he pushes you against the wall and fucks you.”

John, who had just been building up the courage to try and sip his latte again, snorted with such force that the cup swayed and some of his drink spilled out onto his hand. He cursed loudly, setting it down quickly with a chink and making more hot coffee sway over the surface to drip down the sides. A middle-aged woman in the corner shot him a dirty look, before turning back to what looked like an erotica book in her hand.

“Control yourself, Laurens,” Peggy called from the counter, where xe was still flirting with Adrienne. Xe was holding Adrienne’s hand, presumably admiring the long fake nails that had been painted a deep crimson colour.

“Sorry, Pegs,” John apologised sheepishly.

“Yeah, Laurens, _control_ yourself,” Alex repeated in a snooty, teacher’s-pet type of voice that reminded Lafayette of the few years they had spent in a posh private school before being tutored at home.

“Shut up,” John grumbled. “I take back what I said about your ass.”

This made Alex gasp dramatically, his face taking on a look of comical disbelief and betrayal.

 _“Moving on,”_ Lafayette emphasized, shooting both of them a look. “What about John can he use to his advantage?”

“Freckles?” Alex offered helpfully.

“Yeah, sure, lemme just rub my cheek against his arm until the magic fairy dust that’s disguising itself as freckles brainwash him into falling in love,” John said with a straight face.

“Not a bad plan,” Lafayette added, grinning.

“Okay, first of all, that was _unnecessary,”_ Alex pointed out with a pout. “I meant that, maybe stand really close to him? Because then your freckles are clearer and maybe _then_ they’ll brainwash him into falling in love.”

It sounded like a good idea. The amount of times that Lafayette had been entranced by John’s freckles up close was impossible to count, and they were pretty sure they spent at least two-thirds of their time in awe of the sheer number of freckles, which was a _lot_ more than they looked from afar. They opened their mouth to agree, but was interrupted by another voice.

“Who are you brainwashing into falling in love?” Adrienne asked, looking distinctly disturbed by the conversation. She sat down at the chair next to Lafayette, and Peggy slid into the chair opposite her.

“What’s this about brainwashing?”

“We’re not brainwashing, per se,” Alex quickly explained. Adrienne looked even more worried upon hearing ‘per se’, and Alex must have realised this, because he hurried to explain. “We’re trying to seduce Herc.”

“Why?” John mumbled under his breath, looking tired. “Why do we keep using the word ‘seduce’, it’s so _cringe-”_

“Quiet, little one,” Peggy commanded him. Using ‘little one’ to refer to each other was some sort of inside joke between the two, one Lafayette had never quite understood.

“So how’s it going?” Adrienne asked.

They exchanged unsure looks.

“Good,” Lafayette answered finally. “At least, we think so. He’s responding, but it’s kind of difficult to tell if it’s a positive or negative reaction sometimes. So we’re going to up our game even more.”

“You should wear that dress you wore to the date,” Alex suggested. He leaned forward, elbows on the table and resting his head in his hands to give Lafayette a salacious look. “After all, _we_ could barely look away.”

 _“The_ dress?” Adrienne asked, looking interested. Lafayette had almost forgotten that she had been with them when they had bought it; a humid day around two years ago, the two of them had walked into a store - Adrienne in long, confident strides, Lafayette with shifting eyes, fidgeting fingers and the general look of someone who was ready to stuff something off the shelves and into their pockets. She had been great, talking casually and holding dress after dress up against her to estimate how it’d look on Lafayette, before quickly ushering them into a vacant changing room. She had taught them how to fix straps, to tie bows, to adjust dresses so that their lack of breasts was not so palpable. Lafayette, now, was suddenly overcome with a sudden wave of regret. When had they and Adrienne grown apart so? They had grown up spending every minute of their day together, and now they were limited to texting and the a visit a fortnight. They found themself missing her - not only that, but they missed the _memories_ she represented. They missed the warm days of France, the way the language flowed so freely from their tongues, the blissful summers where they would hide from their tutor in bushes of roses, giggling and hushing each other. The days were simpler then.

And yet, had they remained in those memories for all their life, they would never have met Alex, or John, or Herc. They would never have seen the world outside those pearly gates in one corner of France.

They resolved, from that day on, to spend more time with Adrienne.

Lafayette let none of this show on their face, and instead smiled. “Yeah, that one. I wore it to our first date with all three of us.”

Adrienne clapped her hands together, excited. “Oh my god! Where did you guys go?”

“Picnic,” Alex said, taking a sip of his drink again.

“It was amazing,” John added. “Alex planned the whole thing himself, and there was this one spot in the park where there’s literally no people walking past, and there was loads of trees, and it was super romantic.”

“That’s gay,” Peggy snorted, before paused. “And surprisingly cute. Who would have known?”

“And then it rained,” Alex added, disgruntled. “Because the world loves to conspire against me.”

“I liked it,” Lafayette argued. “It was a cute ending. Like something that would happen in a romance novel.”

“Ah ça tu t'y connais, pas vrai?” Adrienne asked with a smirk. She had always made fun of them for reading romance novels since an extremely young ages, and falling in love with the idea of a perfect, fairy-tale ending. Lafayette stuck their tongue out at her.

They _definitely_ needed to spend more time with her.

* * *

 

The next couple of days commenced with even more flirting. Lafayette, despite their misgivings, introduced the return of Herc’s hoodie, and had continued to torment him by strolling into his room wearing nothing but the hoodie, some boxers and a pair of thigh-highs that Adrienne had donated to the effort. Herc didn’t choke that time, thankfully, but he did splutter and end up leaving the room after only a second. They counted that as a victory.

Alex had taken their compliments about his ass to heart, and was would take the opportunity to bend over whenever and wherever possible. The number of times that Lafayette had caught Herc’s gaze lingering had been ridiculous. This, coupled with the fact that Alex had officially turned Herc’s lap into his own personal chair, meant that he, too, was currently succeeding in Operation Seduction.

John was spending all his time being as physically affectionate as possible. It was no longer uncommon to see John leaning over Herc, brushing their hands together, lightly touching his arm when in conversation, rubbing non-existent ink stains from his cheeks and otherwise finding any opportunity possible to touch him. Lafayette could feel Herc’s pain from afar.

And, so that they could properly gush over their successes, they made a groupchat between the three of them.

 

**-OPERATION SEDUCTION-**

**J** : guys

 **J** : guys

 **J** : guys

 **J** : GUYS

 **J** : GUUUUYYS

 **L** : mon cher

 **L** : how you say

 **L** : CHILL OUT  

 **A** : istg laf your english is perfect, why do you still pull that fake ass ‘how you say’ bullshit

 **L** : how you say

 **L** : fuck you

 **J** : okay but before this turns into an actual fistfight

 **A** : but we’re texting???

 **J** : shut up

 **J** : guys

 **J** : i’m going to be massaging herc’s back

 **L** : good idea!!!

 **J** : with oil and everything

 **J** : he’s shirtless

 **J** : i cant do this

 **J** : operation seduction abort

 **L** : you’re finally accepting the operation name? ;)

 **J** : no, it still sounds stupid

 **A:** maybe kiss him, like, at the top of his spine

 **A** : you did that to me once and it was super nice

 **J:** that’s a great concept in theory and all, except i can barely breathe rn

 **J:** i’m not smooth enough to pull that off when i’m slowly suffocating

 **J:** shit shit guys he’s lying on his front and he’s waiting for me

 **A:** confess your love

 **J:** am i supposed to sit on his ass????????

 **L:** his ass looks really firm tbh

 **J:** unhelpful

 **J** : but correct

 **J:** but also unhelpful

 **L:** enjoy, mon cher!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so most people asked for herc to go up to the trio rather than the other way around (8 vs 3)! i've already written the chapter where they go up to him, so i'll be posting that as an alternative chapter, and i'm writing the actual chapter now
> 
> quick question! for the alternative chapters, should i post them as separate fics, or should i post all five of them IN this fic? because the second one requires me to wait until i've finished the entire fic, which idk if i have the patience for
> 
> tumblr is [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com) (pls message me if you need someone to talk to) (and also if you want the hamilton bootleg lmao)


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao so i was only meant to post one chapter, but i also posted this one? which is longer than usual too. consider it a consolation for the election results.

-HIM-

It had been a nine days since Operation Seduction had first began. Nine days of torture for Herc, and nine days of ultimate frustration for Alex, Laf and John. They progressively became more and more unsure as the days passed by. Surely Herc understood that they wanted to be more than friends, right? It seemed impossible to misinterpret, but he made no move to show that he understood their intentions. Finally, they were running out of ideas and morale.

“This isn’t working,” John said, voice muffled by the pillow his face was buried in. “What if he just doesn’t know how to tell us ‘no’?”

“Don’t say that,” Lafayette said immediately, but the thought had been plaguing him for the past couple of days too. There was no other reason he could think of as to why Herc would not respond. He swivelled in the chair at his desk in an attempt to distract himself, watching the room spin around until it was just a blur of muted colours. Alex, who was pacing up and down the room, appeared even more distorted than anything else in the room, becoming streaks of warm brown and grey. It was as though, if he spun fast enough, the entire world would become nothing more than strikes of blurred paint of a canvas and all his problems would disappear. Of course, it was impossible, and he knew he’d have to face the situation with Herc at some point, but it was nice to pretend he had an escape sometimes.

“This is ridiculous,” Alex fumed, pausing in his pacing for a second. “This isn’t working. We need a new plan.”

“One that _isn’t_ called Operation Seduction, hopefully,” John muttered.

“You’ll come to love the name soon,” Lafayette promised.

Alex ignored both of them. “We should just confront him.”

“And say what?” John asked, finally sitting up. He looked defeated, and it made Lafayette’s heart ache. “‘Hey, Herc, we love you, and we’ve already pretty much told you, and now all we’re waiting for is your heart-shattering rejection!’ He _knows,_ there’s no point in telling him again.”

“But we need to be _sure,”_ Alex argued. “I can’t just, just _hang around_ forever, not knowing if he still likes me or not. Even if it’s a ‘no’, at least then we can work on getting over him, right?”

It was sound logic, one Lafayette couldn’t argue with. There was no point in remaining in some sort of stagnant, precarious state of uncertainty when all it would do was eat away at them until it was all they could think about.

“I agree,” Lafayette added when John opened his mouth to disagree. “We can’t carry on like this forever.”

John sighed, dropping back down onto the bed heavily. Lafayette felt bad, and pushed himself out of the swivel chair to cross the room in a few strides. He sat next to him, and John looked up to shoot him a smile, one that Lafayette returned.

“Fine,” John said finally.

“Wait, wait, you don’t have to do it,” Alex said, sounding startled. He sat on the bed next to them, so that he was next to John’s head whereas Lafayette was by his feet. “I wasn’t trying to pressure you into doing it, I just wanted to tell him about my _own_ feelings. Did you think…?” He trailed off, his face twisting into a guilty grimace.

“Maybe it’ll be easier too, if we tell him we like him first?” Lafayette offered. “If he decides he wants to join our relationship, it might be less daunting to tell him that you like him too. Or you could just choose not to, at all.”

John was silent for a moment. With his face still firmly planted into the soft cotton of the pillow, it was impossible to tell what he was thinking. Though his face had never been the most expressive anyway - his face showed very little emotion other than genuine happiness, and otherwise his facial muscles remained firmly in place. It had been one of the things that had intimidated Lafayette the most when he first met him. Lafayette always relied on watching people’s faces to determine whether he was coming across as too strong, or too much, or if he was annoying others. It had been something he had always known, with a blank-faced father who only gave a split-second notice before exploding in anger. Where others would give some sign of warning - some sort of sign of annoyance before Lafayette would back off - his father, Michel, had mastered the art of showing no expression in order to succeed in his life of politics.

“Okay,” John said finally. _“Maybe_ I’ll tell him. But I’m not making any promises.”

Lafayette wasn’t particularly surprised. John was terrified of making advances on guys, particularly after growing up in an extremely homophobic environment.

“We’re not asking you to,” Alex reassured him, running a hand through John’s curls and tugging on the tip of his ponytail slightly.

“Don’t worry, mon cher.”

* * *

Half an hour later, Alex and Lafayette were marching up to Herc’s door, both hiding their quaking hearts with a thick facade of confidence they couldn’t bring themselves to truly feel. John was still at his dorm, and had called them just as they were entering the building to give them a quick peptalk. He seemed significantly more cheerful now that he realised he wasn’t forced to confess his feelings.

Alex and Lafayette were waiting outside the door now, hesitant to enter. Alex was holding Lafayette’s hand, and he squeezed his fingers in a last attempt at calming himself. This was it. Their relationship with Herc was on the line, and, in a few minutes, he would find out whether he had managed to destroy it in one, fell swoop. The fear of ruining a friendship he had taken months or years to build had always been the biggest reason as to why he was so reluctant to confess to his crushes. The last time he had tried to do so, Herc had assumed that Lafayette was making fun of him, or maybe taking advantage of him, or _something._ He still wasn’t sure what had been running through Herc’s mind at that time.

And yet, here he was again. As though he didn’t learn from his first rejection.

“You ready?” Alex asked. Lafayette turned to look at him, and those inky blank eyes that blinked back seemed to fill him with the strength to nod and reach towards the door handle.

Deep breath. He opened the door.

It swung open easily. It seemed strange, somehow, considering the amount of mental effort Lafayette had put into find the courage to even approach the handle. And yet here they were, hands linked and jaws clenched. Herc was sitting at his desk, as casual as ever, and glanced up at them with a warm smile that only served to make Lafayette even more nervous. If this all went disastrously wrong, would he ever see that smile directed towards him again?

Before he could dwell on his thought, Alex was speaking.

“How busy are you right now?” he asked. Seeing the oh-so-confident Alexander Hamilton bite his lips in nerves was surreal, to say the least.

“Not very,” Herc said, half-distracted by the words he was typing on his laptop. “Sit down, I just wanna finish this sentence.”

They sat on his bed, both of them perched on the edge and exchanging glances as they waited for Herc to finish. Lafayette felt like he could barely breathe, let alone speak coherently enough to ask his longest ever crush out on a date. Could he really do this? Now that he was finally in the room where it would happen, he found himself second-guessing his ability to carry the plan out. He glanced at the door; oh, how he yearned to run away! His heart ached to sprint until all he knew was the rhythm slaps of his feet against the slabs of concrete, until everything was far, far away and there was no such thing as fear or anxiety.

But alas, he was here, and he was determined to get through it, if only to support Alex.

After several gut-wrenching moments, Herc closed the lid of his laptop with a flourish, and turned around to smile at the two.

“What’s up? You guys seem really nervous.”

Lafayette bit back a laugh. ‘Nervous’ was the understatement of the century, at this point. ‘Feeling like his heart was ready to drop out of his body’ was possibly a more appropriate way to put it.

“So, you must have noticed...” Alex began, looking at Lafayette with uncharacteristic anxiety. His fingers were squeezing Lafayette’s hand so hard that he had to tap his knuckles with his thumb to remind the smaller man that he was not some sort of stress ball with no sense of pain or feeling. “Um, that we’ve been a lot more,” here, he paused, searching for a word.

“Affectionate?” Lafayette offered. Frankly, he was surprised he managed to say that one word.

Herc seemed nervous, which was strange, considering _they_ were supposed to be the ones who were afraid of the following conversation. Nonetheless, his fingers picked at the hem of his sleeve, until one of the threads had been picked out. The material bunched slightly, as he continued to pull at it. “Um, yeah, I noticed. Is there any… reason for it?”

Alex glanced at Lafayette, looking lost. It felt unfair of Lafayette to make Alex talk throughout all of this, so he answered Herc’s question instead.

“We like you,” Lafayette blurted. Dammit, did he not know how to _ease_ into something? He had made the exact same mistake last time, and it had ended up with Herc pushing him away. Apparently, he hadn’t learnt anything since then. But Alex was looking at him with encouraging eyes, so Lafayette focused his gaze on the wall, too scared to meet Herc’s gaze, and continued to speak, even as his heart pounded hard enough to break his ribcage. “That is, me and Alex. And, we’d like, um, for you to date you. We’ll understand if you don’t want that but… we’ve loved you for so long, and, at the very least, we wish that you give us a chance to prove how much we care for you. I know it might be a little… shameless, on my part, considering I’ve already told you my feelings before, and I know that didn’t go down so well-”

“So you were serious?” Herc asked. “It wasn’t just… like, a replacement for Alex?”

Lafayette felt a sharp twinge of pain whenever he thought of Herc’s assumption that Lafayette had been using him as a substitute that night. At least, now, he finally had the chance to set that misconception straight away.

“Yes. I loved you, I still love you, and I think I will always love you. You were there when even _I_ wasn’t on my own side-” Herc had known about Lafayette’s self-loathing a year or two ago, and had been the one to usher him to a therapist, “-and I can’t think of anything I would love more than to wake up every morning with you, Alex and John. I love your smile, your eyes, your laugh, the way to focus so much when you’re knitting, the way you hug me tightly sometimes, _everything._  I care for your happiness like I care for my own, and I swear, if you could give me the opportunity to do so, I would make sure-”

Alex nudged him, cutting Lafayette off in the midst of his rambling. When he looked at him, Alex nodded his head towards Herc. Frankly, Lafayette would prefer to not look at the other man at all, but it seemed like actually interacting with him would be inevitable.

Herc was crying. _Crying._ Tears were slowly and silently spilling over to slip down his cheeks, leaving glistening trails on his cheeks. He seemed to be struggling to wipe them all away, and finally settled to dig the heel of his palm into his eyes. He sniffed, and Lafayette and Alex exchanged alarmed looks.

“I get your point, Frenchie,” he said finally, his voice croaking and making Lafayette feel even more guilty. “I… Shit, man, what the fuck.”

Lafayette hesitated. “Are you… okay?”

“I can’t tell if those are good tears or bad tears,” Alex mumbled. “Um, Herc, could you… tell us if you’re alright?”

“I’m alright, I’m alright,” Herc managed to say, sniffling. “I, um, fuck, man, that was intense. What is with you French people and your shitty romance bullshit?”

So Herc didn’t seem like he hated him, and he wasn’t pushing him away like last time. Lafayette laughed, mostly in relief than in humour. Even if Herc didn’t like him back, at least he didn’t _despise_ him. It was a small comfort, but one he was willing to take refuge in. His biggest fear had been ruining his friendship, and if that could remain intact throughout all of this, there was a chance that, just maybe, everything would be okay.

“Man, I was so _convinced_ neither of you liked me in that way,” Herc said, wiping away the last of his tears with the back of his hand. “I thought I had proof and everything. When you didn’t talk about that night, I thought that meant you didn’t really mean it. And I thought… I thought Alex _knew_ I liked him, I practically admitted it to you, so I assumed that you told him, and, and-” he looked at Alex, who seemed to be speechless, “And you didn’t bring it up, so I thought, I thought…”

“You thought we didn’t love you?” Alex asked in wonder, as though awed that anyone could ever consider the possibility that his heart wasn’t filled from corner to corner with Herc’s soul.

“I… Yeah.”

Lafayette couldn’t remain across the room any longer - not when he needed to _touch_ Herc, just to cement the reality - and he stood up quickly, moving to where Herc was sitting at his desk. It was a spontaneous action, and by the time he was standing in front of him, he still had no idea what he wanted to _do._ But Herc was already looking up at him, and he had to make a decision quick, so he awkwardly placed his hands on both of Herc’s shoulders, standing between his legs and looking down at him. Herc gazed up, with wet yet loving eyes.

“I love you,” Lafayette told him, with a confidence he had never felt before.

Herc didn’t say anything for a moment, looking overwhelmed. Lafayette didn’t blame him - after all, he had been watching his three best friends date each other all this time. “I’m starting to think you _like_ seeing me cry,” he managed finally.

“Never, mon amour." 

He realised, throughout their conversation, Alex had remained suspiciously quiet. In the thrill of knowing that Herc didn’t hate him, he had almost forgotten. He glanced over at him now, to see Alex smiling at both of them. He cocked an eyebrow, a silent enquiry of his silence, he was answered with a bright grin.

“I didn’t want to get in the way of your moment,” he explained. “So, Herc, what’s your answer?”

“Yes,” was the immediately reply. “A billion times yes. Always and forever.”

And with that, Alex was bounding towards the two of them, throwing his arms around Herc’s neck and pressing a kiss on his cheek that was so sloppy it made Herc laugh.

The next hour passed with kisses and touches being exchanged between the three, and Lafayette had never been so happy in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr is [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com)


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost finished!!

-HIM-

And thus the guidelines for their relationship was born. It was a little more complicated than their previous arrangement, in which everyone was dating everyone, but now that they had someone in their relationship that was dating _some_ but not all, there was a serious talk about rules and hard limits. They had chosen Alex and John's dorm for this conversation, and all four of them were seated with a carefully arranged gap between each. As much as Lafayette wanted to reach over and play with Alex's hair or press a kiss on John's freckled cheek or bury his face in the crook of Herc's neck, he understood that the affectionate touches could wait until after the conversation. Which was… hard, to say the least, especially when Alex just happened to be wearing that oversized hoodie that originally belonged to Herc. It made him look even smaller than he actually was.

Most of the conversation was led by Alex. He seemed to be the most confident and it was him who suggested pretty much everything, including scenarios that Lafayette hadn’t even considered. So far, they had agreed that John and Herc wouldn’t go on a date with the others without making sure that the other hadn’t planned anything. Neither would be overly affectionate in front of the other, and there would have to be warning texts if they were going to have sex in one of the dorms (a statement that had made Lafayette’s cheeks burn. It was a reasonable request, especially since it was so common for all four of them to walk in on each other, but hearing it be said out loud was… a tad too much).

John appeared to agree with almost everything, nodding every time someone so much as opened their mouth.

“Jacky,” Alex said, raising an eyebrow, “Do you even agree with this stuff or are you just pretending to be okay with literally everything?”

“What? Of course I do!” John protested, with no hint of surprise at the nickname. Lafayette wondered where it had come from, and came to the conclusion that it must be an inside thing between the two. Strangely enough, he didn't feel jealous at all. “I don't mind any of it.”

“John,” Herc said gently, brows furrowed in concern. “I don't want to force you into something you don't want and I especially don't want you to feel like I'm taking them away from you. I need to know _seriously_ if you're okay with it, and I have no problem backing out of this if you're not.”

“We're all going to need to be honest with each other if this is going to work,” Lafayette added, and perhaps it was the tentative but understanding smile Lafayette sent towards him, but this was when John broke.

“This is…” John hesitated, and only continued when Alex nodded encouragingly, “probably _really_ selfish, but I don't really want to see you guys kiss in front of me? Like, other touching is fine and cheek kisses and stuff, but… I don't think I'd be able to handle seeing you guys kiss.”

“That's completely fine, and it's _not_ selfish,” Herc said firmly. “I'm cool with that.”

“Me too,” Alex chirped in, and Lafayette nodded in agreement.

And thus the conversation moved on. More rules, more guidelines, more boundaries that didn’t make them feel more suffocated, but allowed them to feel more safe and sure in their relationship.

And if John’s gaze kept lingering too long at Herc? Well, it wasn’t Lafayette’s place to point that out. At least, not yet.

* * *

The first thing Herc did as a boyfriend was to take them on a date. There was no preamble, no fuss, nothing much to organise, just them on a coffee shop date to one particularly cute little cafe Lafayette had been eyeing recently.

Which was nice. Lovely, in fact! Lafayette was thrilled at the idea, and was almost vibrating in excitement as he picked out some clothes to wear. But the only issue was… John was alone.

“Mon cher, I do not want you to be alone,” Lafayette said, shrugging on a jacket and making their way over to his bed where John was sprawled. His legs were splayed so that they were taking up as much space as possible, and he had a book propped up against his chest. It was something about sea animals. He was very carefully structuring an image of carelessness and apathy, but Lafayette knew him well enough to know that this was not the case.

“I’ll be fine,” was John’s immediate response, the words tumbling out of his lips with little thought. “I’m busy reading.”

John’s eyes weren’t even moving, and were instead fixed on one spot of the page without the tell-tale flickering that reading usually showed. Lafayette did not point this out.

“Listen,” Lafayette said, poking John’s side to get his attention. When John didn’t look up from his book, he did it again, but with more force. This made John’s finally look away from the page, hissing in pain. _“Listen._ I love you with all my heart, and it pains me to know that you’re not happy. And I _know_ you’re not happy without Herc. It's so obvious, mon amour, we can see it in your eyes-” Apparently the wrong thing to say, because John immediately looked alarmed, sitting up slightly, so Lafayette hurriedly added, “Only because I know you so well. But don't you see? If you love him, you can have him! Do you _really_ think he'll say no?”

John still seemed hesitant. “I mean, I guess it's possible that he _won't_ reject me, but… I don't know. It's scary saying it out loud to him, you know?”

Lafayette paused to think. He could see where John was coming from. Even before [the phone call he had with his father](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6932455) recently, John had been nervous about admitting his crushes on guys. Lafayette could still remember vividly how he looked when he first told Lafayette he loved him, hazel eyes blinking furiously, hands quivering with anxiety, shining eyes revealing tears under the harsh kitchen light. Even then, it had only been because Lafayette had cornered him about it, and he hadn’t particularly seem inclined to bring up the conversation topic himself. It hadn’t been as bad when they were talking to Alex for the first time about being poly and possibly dating each other, but perhaps it was because John and Lafayette were in an equal amount of shit, and they could hold hands through the shitstorm. Or perhaps talking to his father had made everything worse. Lafayette was willing to bet on the latter.

God, what wouldn’t he do to fight Henry Laurens?

“Would it be easier,” Lafayette began slowly, “If he brought it up first?”

“What do you mean?” John asked, watching Lafayette warily. He put the book down, giving up on all pretence of reading.

“I mean, if I find out whether or not he actually likes you, I could encourage him to come to you, instead of you having to bring up the topic? After all, the issue here is not that you are unsure whether or not he likes you, but how to talk about it, non?”

“I mean… I guess that’s the _biggest_ issue right now, but I’m still not one hundred percent sure he’s even interested.”

“I’ll ask, if you want. And then we’ll take it from there.”

John’s smile was so sweet and trusting that Lafayette couldn’t help but lean in to press a kiss against his lips. John’s hand came up immediately to rest on Lafayette’s cheek, thumb caressing the prickly hairs of his beard, as he deepened the kiss. Just as Lafayette buried his own hand in John’s curls, the other man pulled away.

“Laf, sweetheart?”

Lafayette raised an eyebrow, twirling one lock of John’s hair between his fingers. “Yes?”

“You should wear the leather jacket,” John said with a wicked grin. “The others won’t know what hit them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i started this fic on the 20th of december in 2015, and i'm hoping to finish it on the anniversary! hence why i've cut it a little shorter. but don't worry! all the other scenes i wanted to put in this fic will be posted separately, and will be in this series
> 
> im sorry this chapter is a little shorter ahhhh
> 
> tumblr is [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com), insta is [dreamers_and_schemers](https://www.instagram.com/dreamers_and_schemers)


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alex's pov
> 
> enjoy!

-HIM-

The lighting was soft, with warm orange bulbs hovering over them to cast golden hues on everyone below. The low ceiling and brown-beige theme resulted in a fashionable yet welcomingly homey atmosphere, that was only further reinforced by the wide smile the barista shot them immediately upon their arrival. Luckily, the coffee shop was mostly empty, with all tables but one unvacated.

It was lovely, and Alex would have had no complaints… Except it was _slightly_ expensive. Alex could feel his lips tugging into a frown at the sight of the prices various drinks costed. Why the hell would anyone pay that much for a coffee? It made Alex's brain ache, and he could almost feel his wallet burning a hole through the fabric of his jeans, as though reminding him of his inability to throw money about as carelessly as his dates could. But he pushed away his financial misgivings, instead shooting Laf and Herc a bright smile.

“This place is nice,” Laf said enthusiastically, returning the barista's smile before examining the menu intensely. He appeared to have no issue with the prices, and even Herc looked chilled out, shoulders relaxed as he asked politely for a vanilla latte. Which meant that it was only Alex who couldn't afford this. Perfect.

“It's a little expensive, don't you think?” he murmured to Herc as Laf excitedly drew the barista into a conversation about coffee beans. He had carefully made sure his tone was as neutral and noncommittal as possible, but Herc seemed to pick up on the issue almost immediately.

“This is my treat,” Herc said, warm smile stretching his lips as one arm came up to wrap itself around Alex’s frame. Alex would be lying if he said that he didn’t feel a flutter of excitement in his chest at the touch, but he couldn’t help it when Herc was so much bigger than him. There was something thrilling about feeling small and safe in someone’s arms, though he would never admit it out loud.

“I can pay,” was Alex's immediate argument. He couldn't, of course, and wallet was practically shaking its metaphorical head in disagreement, but his pride told him that he _needed_ to fight back. This constant urge to satisfy his pride was really going to have to stop soon.

“I know, and you can pay next time, but for now, let me do this for you.” Alex must have still looked hesitant, because Herc leaned in to kiss him. Herc had ridiculously perfect lips, full and firm against Alex's own, so honestly, you couldn't really blame him for leaning into the kiss, one hand came up to rest on the larger man's shoulder.

They broke apart at the sound of an accented voice said, “Mes amours, I understand that you are excited, but perhaps we should order first.”

Herc pulled away, looking sheepish as he shot an apologetic grin at the barista. The sight of his smile alone was enough to make her melt. Alex didn't blame her; Herc looked unfairly cute when sheepish.

“Perhaps,” Alex agreed, looking back at the menu. He felt bad for not paying, and promised himself that he would pay next date.

Once they ordered, they settled at one of the tables by the window. It was a bright, cold day, and although the sun blinded everyone with its intensity, there was a chill that snuck through gaps to permeate the room. Laf was chattering away, looking happier than he had ever been, eyes bright with excitement as he recounted a tale about a kitten he had seen yesterday. He was wearing that _stupid_ leather jacket which Alex loathed with every fibre of his being. It was ridiculously hot, and Alex could have sworn that no house even needed central heating if they had a framed picture in every room of Laf in a leather jacket talking about kittens. Herc was no better, wearing a white t-shirt that stretched over his chest obscenely and a jacket that emphasised the broadness of his shoulders. He was leaning forward, clearly enraptured by Laf's story, though Alex definitely saw his gaze drop to Laf's lips more than once.

Which left Alex. Small. Pudgy stomach. No muscles to speak of. Soft arms instead of perfectly sculpted biceps. Stretch marks. Chub. His body wasn't exactly what people would call conventionally attractive. And although Alex was usually the first to tell people to screw conventional beauty standards and love their bodies, it was so much harder when applying that logic to himself. He could tell people they were gorgeous all day, every day, but himself?

“Alex, are you listening?”

“Yeah, sorry,” Alex apologised quickly. Laf didn’t seem pissed, and was only watching with an amused smile. “Carry on.”

“Well, thank you for your permission to do so,” Laf replied, and when the hell had the Frenchman learned to sass back like that? His sarcasm startled a laugh out of Herc, a low, rumbling noise like the far-away sound of water rushing through a stream in an idyllic forest, or the familiar sound of a distant purring engine. “Anyway,” Laf continued, “So I asked him if he only shooed the cat away because he was scared, and I was completely joking, but he said yes! He was _scared_ of the little kitty cat! It was so small and perfect and pure, and this man was terrified! He hurt a little kitty because he was scared!”

“Outrageous,” Herc agreed, exchanging a grin with Alex.

“How dare he?” Alex added, shaking his head solemnly.

“Do not mock me,” Laf said indignantly. “I was seconds away from punching him!”

“One vanilla latte, one hot chocolate, one caffe mocha and one slice of cheesecake,” the barista called, and Herc stood to retrieve their orders. Alex watched him away, admiring the broadness of his back, when Laf leaned forward, looking urgent.

“We need to find out if Herc likes John,” Laf hissed, gaze darting quickly to the counter where Herc was stood. Luckily, their table was on the opposite side of the shop, and Herc appeared to be asking the barista a question.

“What?”

“You know how John gets a little scared about asking guys out? So we spoke just before I left, and he said he wouldn’t be as scared if he knew exactly how Herc felt.”

“Without telling him how John feels, I’m guessing?”

“Yeah, just play it cool.”

By the time Herc was back in his seat, miraculously balancing three drinks and a small plate, the two had a mission.

“How do you _do_ that?” Alex asked, watching in awe as Herc set the drinks down. “I can barely walk through a door without hitting my head against the frame.”

“It’s called not being sleep-deprived,” Herc teased.

“Ouch,” Laf added.

“I can’t think of a comeback for that,” Alex admitted sheepishly, making the other two laugh. “But I’ve been sleeping loads better recently.”

“I know, I was talking about it with John,” Herc said with a bright smile. “I don’t think I’ve seen you this healthy before, well done.” He paused, grimaced, then added, “Sorry, that sounded really patronising, didn’t it?”

“Just a tad,” Alex laughed, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel bitter about it. As strange as it sounded, he _liked_ it. There was something satisfying in having his efforts validated, and it felt nice to that the others had noticed that he was _trying._ He knew that John and Laf didn’t mind him spending time on his writing, and he was willing to accept that, but the least he owed them was to not look like someone had smeared black paint under his eyes. Suddenly, an idea occurred to him.

“Hey, speaking of John, he’s been looking pretty good too recently, right?” Alex asked in what he hoped was a nonchalant voice. Considering Herc’s confused expression and Laf mouthing ‘not subtle!’ across the table, it did not seem that he had succeeded.

“I mean,” Herc began, glancing at Laf with furrowed eyebrows, “I guess? I don’t know.” Of course, Herc wasn’t going to start waxing poetic about their other boyfriend, especially when the three of them were on a date and said boyfriend was absent. Alex didn’t blame him - if he was in _his_ situation, he’d deny finding John attractive at all. It would be impossible to get him to admit anything unless they came somewhat clean. No point beating around the bush.

Laf opened his mouth to add something, but Alex interrupted. “Okay, this isn’t going to work. Herc, how do you feel about John?”

“Alex,” Laf said, scandalised.

“We know he likes him anyway!” Alex said in defence. Now that he thought about it, maybe he _should_ have gone with a little more discretion. Oops. But, at the very least, Alex was completely aware of Herc’s little crush on John, and it seemed so was Laf.

Herc looked taken-back, and his eyes darted around the shop as though looking for someone to save him, but the barista was preoccupied by her phone, and the couple at the table had gone before Alex, Herc and Laf had even sat down. When he realised that there was no escape, and no one was going to appear out of nowhere with a conveniently timed excuse to drag him away, he let his gaze drift back to the table again, taking a sip of his drink before speaking.

“Um, well, he’s a great friend,” he tried. When Laf raised an eyebrow, he sighed. “And really attractive, too? I’m not trying to ruin this dynamic we have, because what we have now is _great_ and I’m cool with keeping it that way, but… he’s, um, kinda hot.”

Alex felt a grin stretch across his lips. Laf looked similarly ecstatic, eyes bright and biting his lip as though trying to contain himself.

“Who said anything about _ruining_ the dynamic?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this chapter feels kinda filler-y but it actually has something that i've been meaning to address for quite a while now. i wanted to show that, even though laf has his own issues and insecurities that have been shown throughout this fic, that the others have shit they're dealing with too. we've already seen a sneakpeak with the shit that's been going on with john in the fic 'beyond words' which is also in this series, and i've mentioned his father. but i mostly chose to write this chapter in alex's point of view because i wanted to show that he's got some shit too, and i'm gonna be exploring that later on in the series
> 
> also, i just really wanted to show the three on a date okay 
> 
> (i've got four days to finish this fic!! four days to write two chapters!! ahhhh!!)
> 
> i'm sorry for my complete inability to shut the fuck up, but can we just appreciate this fanart made by [shakespearesocks](http://shakespearesocks.tumblr.com)??? it's based off chapter 31 and i've posted it in the notes of that chapter too, but i wanted to show it off again here. link is [here](http://shakespearesocks.tumblr.com/post/153727927682/youre-always-welcome-to-join-us-john-told-him%0A)
> 
> tumblr is [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com)
> 
> (two days!!)


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the date was supposed to finish last chapter but i wanted to include a little something extra!!

-HIM-

The conversation was moved swiftly along, despite Herc’s confusion and bewildered questions. There wasn’t really much they could say without admitting that John also had a crush on Herc. It was probably obvious to Herc, especially considering their reactions to his confession, but the last thing Lafayette wanted was to break John’s trust by confirming it. It wasn’t his place to say. 

Regardless, Lafayette and Alex continued to exchange gleeful looks throughout the rest of the date.

Although part of Lafayette was screaming to text John  _ now  _ and let him know of the good news, another part of him wanted to just enjoy the moment. Alex had snapped out of the distracted daze he had been in at the beginning of the date and was beginning to warm up, laughing at Lafayette’s stories and teasing Herc. It was nice, and it felt like home. Lafayette felt so light it was like his entire soul had been filled with air and was slowly rising. Perhaps it was the relaxed atmosphere of the coffee shop, or maybe the way Alex and Herc quarrelled over the cheesecake, knocking each other’s spoons out of the way in order to get the strawberry first. After a few moments in which the only sounds were the clatter of their spoons against each other, Herc finally surrendered, allowing Alex to swallow the entire strawberry in one bite, a triumphant grin spreading across her face.

“I don’t even know why I fought so hard for that strawberry,” Herc mourned as Alex chewed. “I don’t even  _ like  _ strawberries.” 

Cue an outraged gasp from Alex. 

“I can’t be friends with anyone who doesn’t like strawberries,” Lafayette said huffily.

“Doesn’t Thomas hate strawberries?” Herc pointed out. 

“Thomas doesn’t know the meaning of friendship  _ anyway  _ so that shouldn’t be a problem,” Alex added. He punctuated this statement by stabbing the cheesecake with his spoon, making the biscuit bottom crumble.

“Mon amour,” Lafayette scolded. “Be nice.” 

“But he’s a dick!” 

Herc began to talk about his next project, and spouted all his research on ball gowns on them. It was adorable to watch, perhaps mostly because Lafayette could never imagine being so excited about a few pieces of fabric. He didn’t understand a lot of the words Herc was saying, but it was all too easy to get carried away with his excitement. 

“Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask you something for a while now,” Herc said, cutting his explanation of hip girths short to turn to Lafayette, face strangely solemn. The sudden seriousness made Lafayette’s heart drop. 

“I think it’s a little early in this relationship for a proposal, don’t you think?” Alex said dryly. This made Herc laugh, and Lafayette felt his chest ease up a little at the familiar sound. 

“Not that I would refuse,” Lafayette added cheekily, revelling in the way Herc covered his face with a hand, almost as though he was shy. It was quite something to behold. 

“Not quite a marriage proposal, no,” Herc corrected him, “I just wanted to know if you’d model for some of my dresses?” Lafayette’s eyes widened, but before he could say anything, he was rushing to add, “It’s fine if you don’t want to, but I want to look at dresses on more masculine bodies and I just thought-”

“Yes,” Lafayette said firmly, interrupting him. “I’d love to.” 

The corners of Herc’s eyes crinkled up adorably, as he bit back a smile. Unfortunately, this meant that Lafayette could barely look away from Herc’s canines digging into his full bottom lip.

“This  _ is  _ starting to feel like a marriage proposal. Why aren’t  _ I  _ being proposed to?” Alex said, pouting. Lafayette turned to him immediately. 

“Mon amour, will you join us in our expedition to make the perfect dress for someone other than cis women?”

“Do you even need to ask? Hell yeah!” 

* * *

The plan was set. The three of them had a long discussion about how it was going to work, and each of them knew exactly where they needed to be at what time. They had originally planned to complete their little mission at one of the dorms, but John had moved to the library instead. With a little adjustment to their plan, they were now ready.

At the current moment, all four of them were sitting around a circular table. Herc was pretending to read a book, something about fashion through history, but he had remained on the same page for the past five minutes. On his left, Alex was typing furiously on his laptop. His fingers were moving across the keyboard so fast that Lafayette was genuinely worried that he had completely forgotten about the plan, and instead had fallen into a world of his own writing. It would not have been the first time that Alex had grown distracted by essays. John *-was next to him, and appeared to be the only one of the four that was actually studying. His neat box writing was scrawled across several sides of lined paper, the ink smudging slightly across where his hand brushed over the words before they had dried. He was wholly immersed in his work, and didn’t even look up for second, meaning that he was unaware of the knowing looks the other three were exchanging. And on  _ his  _ left was Lafayette, not even attempting to create the illusion that he was revising, and instead scrolling through his Instagram feed to pass the time. He was in the process of writing an adoring comment on a shirtless picture Thomas Jefferson had posted, when Herc cleared his throat loudly. 

“Hey, do you want food?” he asked with such nonchalance that Lafayette had to remind himself to applaud him later for his amazing acting skills. He knew that, if he had been in the same position as Herc, he would have been shaking with nerves. 

“Food sounds good,” Alex said. 

“Sure,” John replied vaguely. 

So far so good. “I’m craving pizza,” Lafayette told them. He wasn’t nearly as good an actor as Herc was, but so far, John was too absorbed in his work to notice whether his speech sounded more stilted than usual. “What toppings do you guys want?” 

“Tuna,” Herc said just as John said, “Chicken.” 

“As long as there’s no pineapples.” 

“What is your issue with pineapples, Alex? Why can’t you let me be happy?” 

“I’m trying to save you from a life of lies and blasphemy, Laf, you should be thanking me.” 

“Jalapenos?” John suggested hopefully.

“You know I can’t handle hot stuff.” 

“We haven’t had anchovies in a while.” 

“Ew, what the fuck, Herc?”

_ “Fine,  _ we're ordering one cheese and tomato,” Lafayette said with a dramatic sigh. This was an argument they had every time someone mentioned pizza, and it always ended with ordering a cheese and tomato. Everyone knew how it would end, but it was always fun to bash each others’ topping choices. This time, however, Lafayette was too jittery about making sure everything went to plan to let the argument continue. “And one chicken and pineapple.”

“Do you want me to order?” John offered, already pulling out his phone. 

“No, it's fine, I've got it,” Herc said calmly. How was he not in the drama department?

And each of them returned to what they were doing. Alex was typing once again with the same ferocity as earlier, the familiar sound of John's pen scratching across the paper continued, and Lafayette ended up playing Candy Crush Saga to pass the time. He could see Herc typing on his phone, and hoped that John wouldn't notice that he was taking much longer than usual to order. 

Then Herc's phone was back in his pocket and all they could do was wait. 

Lafayette felt probably a little  _ too  _ invested in the entire debacle. Repeatedly, he found himself staring blankly at the sweets on his phone screen as he considered the best - and worst - case scenarios. But could you blame him for wanting his boyfriends to be happy? All he could think about was the way Herc's face had lit up as they went through the plan, and the longing gaze he often caught John shooting at Herc. Just months ago, he would have said that being in a romantic relationship with any one of them would be impossible, and yet, here he was. And the feeling was… Incredible. Could you blame him for wanting the people he loved to experience that feeling with him?

He began playing another game, this time 2048. This one was much more competitive for him than Candy Crush Saga, and, in seconds, he was completely absorbed in the game, until all thoughts of pizza and boyfriends and dates and fled from his mind.

The next thing he was aware of was the 'thump’ sound of two pizza boxes on the table. Lafayette looked up, startled by the noise, to see Alex's triumphant grin. 

“Ooh, finally. I haven't eaten since breakfast,” John admitted, reaching forward to open the box. Both Herc and Lafayette looked at Alex with alarm - had Alex stacked the boxes correctly? That one minute mistake could ruin the effect, but Alex sent them both a reassuring smile. 

All three of them watched with quaking nerves as John struggled to open the lid of the box. When he did, Lafayette watched his lips move as he mouthed the words he knew were written on the inside. 

“What the hell?” John muttered before opening the second box. Lafayette's leg wouldn't stop jiggling for a second, and he could barely imagine what Herc was feeling. He could see from across the table that every muscle in the broader man's body was taut, and Alex looked like he too was a victim of the building anticipation, his entire body thrumming with nervous energy.

After what seemed like a million years, John looked up with disbelieving eyes and a wide smile.

“Yes,” he breathed.

Looking back, shrieking in excitement and jumping out of his seat to pull Alex into a hug was probably not the most appropriate behaviour for a library, but getting kicked out was worth it.

On the inside of the first pizza box was the words, “NOT TO BE TOO CHEESY BUT…”, and on the second, “WILL YOU GO ON A DATE WITH ME?”

Finally, all four of them felt complete.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaaaaand we're done!!
> 
> tumblr is [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com)


	40. Chapter 40

G

so I finished the fic on the anniversary! i'm a notoriously slow writer, hence why it took me an 365 days to write only 60k words lmao

but this isnt the end of this universe! as i've mentioned before, this series will be continued in the form of shorter oneshots. these will be split into:

BEHIND THE SCENES where i explore certain scenes that are mentioned in this fic but not actually detailed, e.g. john's phone call with his father, laf modelling dresses for herc

ALTERNATE CHAPTERS which explore what would have happened if one detail had been changed, e.g. what if herc confronted laf+john+alex rather than laf+john+alex confronting herc?

OTHER CHARACTERS. this entire fic is focused on ot4, so i want to explore other relationships, like laf and adrienne's friendship

so far, the fics i'm definitely writing or have already written are:

laf modelling a dress for herc

onesie party!!

john's father calling

the story of the turtle teddy named Mr Washington

how alex managed to get aaron to fake date him (when he actually asked for permission)

what if alex never asked for aaron's permission to fake date him?

body issues with alex

adrienne’s relationship with laf (plus her less-platonic relationship with peggy)

aaron helping laf to understand his gender and them bonding over being trans

and any other prompts you guys send me! if you liked this fic, check out other hamilton stuff i've written

last but not least, THANK YOU!! you guys are the best readers and every comment you guys send me boosts my motivation by x35! i can't believe this fic has gone from a 1k mullette one-shot to a 60k ot4 fic, but it would never have been possible without you amazing readers.

honorary mention goes to **onlyplusharold** and **somekindoffan** , both of whom left ridiculously enthusiastic comments and messages that always made my day and pushed me through the times when I wasnt getting as much feedback as i hoped 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr is [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> send me prompts either through the comments or to my tumblr, which is [hhhercules-mulligan](http://www.hhhercules-mulligan.tumblr.com)! and be sure to check out other trash ive written, but i can't guarantee quality


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